Resignation

As some people would put it, "That's life."

I just received news that struck me the wrong way. It shouldn't have affected me the wrong way, but it did. There is nothing I can do now to change the way I feel. Maybe in the next few days or so, it would just fade into my subconscious like everything else, but as of the moment, I feel... off. And to top it all off, this confusing state of affairs happened just about the time when I was experiencing my own confusing state of affairs. The exhilaration of having back the "shivers"; then the disappointing realization that the "shivers" may be something temporary; then back again to the exhilaration. Who knows what it will be tomorrow?

I don't know what to think, don't know what to feel. I am both happy and sad. I know what I want yet don't. Sometimes, I just don't want to think anymore. I just want to sleep and stay in bed until somebody picks me up and places me in a mental hospital.

Weird. I had a blast last night in Eastwood. I actually felt alive and hopeful and optimistic that things will finally be back on track and that I wouldn't be a stranger to myself anymore. But Sunday came and everything just kinda backtracked. So instead of sleeping at 11 PM with a smile on my face, I'm actually still up at 12 AM with my brows together and my lips pursed together in all seriousness.

I am once again a wreck. And then I'll try to hide these things again from all the people around me. And I'll succeed in deluding myself that I am OK. And everyone will think I am OK, because I feel OK. But at the end of the day, or during some really quiet time, my mind would begin to wander, and I would be faced again with the reality that I am not OK.

As some people would put it, "That's life."

Boy, did that shrug and sigh of resignation feel so apt.

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Course C

...a huge chasm [separates] love for the subject and actually understanding it, and that... is practice.

You just know this post was forthcoming, didn't you?

Guys, I'm panicking. Seriously. I know you've heard this a thousand times before, but I really am. My fourth actuarial exam (the exam that will catapult me to Associateship, which is, like, a very cool thing) takes place less than two weeks from now, and I feel like I'm not prepared for it. At all. Granted, the coverage of the exam is kinda fun to study (unlike that dreadful Course FM exam, which I truly loathed), but still. There's a huge chasm separating love for the subject and actually understanding it, and that chasm is practice. I don't have much time in my hands right now to engage in that vital step. And, given my skewed priorities, I'm not sure if I'm going to survive.

Hay, I shouldn't even be blogging, but here you go.

Good luck to me and my future.

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Of Tags and Labels

Can anyone help me find a way around this?

After playing around my labels for a bit, I realized that they weren't working the way I expected them to. By clicking on one of the tags listed on the right side of my blog, I anticipated that the page would show all entries posted under that particular tag. Unfortunately, this is not the case. What the page shows are entries that were posted under that tag only for a single month. That kind of defeats the purpose entirely. Can anyone help me find a way around this? I would NOT like to use Blogger beta at all.

P.S. And while we're at it, I just discovered that my site looks really crappy when seen in other computers that do not have the fonts that I use. I'm going to try and find out what these fonts are later (as it's 4 in the morning and I still have to study and I just feel so goddam tired), and I'll post links so you can download them. So that you'll see what the site really looks like with cool fonts and everything! :)

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JSA

...but when it came, I felt... used.

I expected this, and even wished for it, but when it came, I felt disappointed. And empty. And used.

Maybe I didn't wish for it, after all.

Maybe I can't live life the way I have planned it.

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Christmas

...something about this year's holidays [is] honestly ticking me off.

There's just something about this year's holidays that's honestly ticking me off. Every time I hear Christmas songs being played on the radio, or conversations involving the upcoming holiday season, I get immediately irritated. This is something new, given that 1) I love the Yuletide season, and 2) good things always happen during holidays. And this one is no different.

First, I'm not going home for Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I would love to spend Christmas at home, but then my parents came up with a more brilliant solution. Instead of Kerwin spending time with them in Davao (for the umpteenth time), why not send Kenneth, the younger brother who has never been to Manila ever, over? I'm so thrilled with the prospect that I'm actually planning Kenneth's "schedule" as early as now.

Second, the cool girls (AKA the MA's) and I are devouring Angela's hamon de bola all over again. It was such a fun and memorable time last year when we just ripped the box apart, shredded the meat with our bare hands, and stuffed all that fatty pork in our hungry mouths. And lapped our hands right after. Hee. Okay, so we weren't that uncouth, but still. Those were very, very good times.

Third, the Mathtenistas (AKA BS Math Batch 2005) are having our traditional 2nd Simbang Gabi gathering in the Bellarmine Field this December 16. This get-together is even more special now that Fred, like Maita before him, is leaving the country to pursue his studies, perhaps permanently. I sorely miss my blockmates, especially Joey, Sam, and Toj (who's going to be my date!), so this is something I really need and really look forward to.

So what's ticking me off? Christmas is a good thing, is a great thing even, so what's with all the negativity?

Hay, it's shallow really. My insecurity is just taking its toll on me again. Let's leave it at that.

(Hmmm... this post actually came out as more positive than negative, after all. Yay me for keeping the bullshit in.)

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The Adventures of the Dark-Skinned King, Episode 2

"Pink. Blue. Red." What did these colors mean?

Greetings folksmen and subjects of His Royal Highness. Here I am again, the lowly observer whose sole job is to follow the king's every step. Eons have passed since you've last witnessed the king's adventures, but it's only because he was busy attending to so many pressing matters, and I just had to follow. You must know how it is, ruling over kingdoms. Or maybe you don't know, that's why you're so eager to hear all about my chronicles.

In any case, here I am. What tidings do I bring? Not much, I fear, except for the little fact that the dark-skinned king has found himself a little obsessed over his new fascination. What has caught the eye of the young man? I'm not quite sure, either, but it has something to do with trains. Yes, trains, not the expensive chariots he frequents when he's in a hurry. Trains.

Like I said, I'm not quite sure what exactly about trains the king found so interesting. I'm not really allowed to come close to him, so I cannot ask. My curiosity reached a point, however, when I just had to approach him. One night, when he was on one of his train trips, I inched closer and closer to him until we were only a few feet apart. Thank heavens he did not see me. I then listened. I was absolutely intrigued to hear the king mutter to his courtsmen, "Pink. Blue. Red." Colors. I wondered what these colors were. What did they mean? What did they signify? I stepped out of hearing's reach almost immediately, when I saw that one of his subjects broke away from the king's circle and started walking towards me. I was able to escape, of course, but with that lingering feeling that I should have listened more.

Trains. Pink, blue, and red. What was the connection? I must say this has given some depth to the king once again. I never thought of him as someone who could be obsessed with something (or someone, come to think about it), but there you go. My chronicles never lie. I never lie. I write down what I see. I guess it's up to you, loyal subjects of the king, to figure this one out. As for me, I continue to follow the footsteps of the dark-skinned king.

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Extra! Extra! Watch All About It!

...the Amazing Race X rocks!

Just to kick things off. My favorite reality TV show of all time, The Amazing Race, is clearly going back to its original, hardcore roots. My favorite season of all time, Season 5, is still coming out on top (probably because of my tremendous love for Colin and Christie), but tasks-wise, rules-wise, and mechanics-wise, Season 10 is just so much more superior! No more excessive bunching and bunching that renders almost the whole leg worthless (the bane of Season 6), no more boring tasks (the bane of Seasons 6-9), no more mugging and begging during NEL's (the bane of Seasons 7-9), and as yet, no more uneventful Yields (the bane of Seasons 5-9). What are in place? A diverse cast (though the elimination of the Moslems and the Indians in the first leg watered this down a bit), really trying and well-thought-out tasks (ascenders, woohoo!), a shake in mechanics (middle-of-the-leg eliminations, east-to-west travel), a real penalty for coming in last on an NEL, and no one team dominating the entire race! (Well, Colin and Christie did come in first on almost every leg, but it was because Colin had fantastic airport skills in particular and a great grasp of race mechanics in general.) Can you scream "Hallelujah?" The season just gets better and better!

In other news, Pinoy Dream Academy. My roommate knows the disgust I felt watching the first few episodes of this show. I told him, "What is this, Pinoy Big Brother all over again?" After several weeks of watching the Expulsion and Probation Nights, though, I have come to love PDA. Which is a strange thing, given that I've sworn allegiance to Philippine Idol even before the show aired. Well, I guess those are the operative words: ...even before the show aired. When it finally did, I found that I had neither love or affection for the uninteresting finalists, the washed-out set, and the crappy sound system. Which, you know, should have been pre-requisites for a successful Idol franchise.

Anyway, back to PDA. As I've said, I have come to love the show. And while the start was a little shaky and leaning towards Big Brother, the show finally realized its mistake and started showing what viewers have been expecting for it to air all along: the classes, the performances, the songs, the rehearsals, the reviews, the teachers, the lessons, the evaluation. Of course, with Laurenti Dyogi in the commander's helm, there's bound to be a sprinkle of Yeng-RJ and Iya-JR love stories, as well as the appearance of family members to induce drama, but I simply ignore these by not watching the episodes where these romantic interludes are shown. In the greater scheme of things, these have even become bearable.

Why, you might ask. One, I believe the show is truly improving. It learns from what fans have to say, and it picks idea from them. The shift from drama-based to talent-based (it did shift, in my opinion) episodes is a clear example of this. Now we get to see more of the scholars' progress in singing and performing, rather than what kind of childhood experiences they have had. Two, the performances of some of the scholars are just awesome. Those that immediately spring to mind belong to Yvan, JR, Yeng, Panky, Emman, Ronnie, and Irish. With these handful of great acts, I can basically ignore those that suck (Kristoff, I'm looking at you.). But this brings me to my third point, which is that the show's elimination process rocks! Thus far, all those that have been eliminated do not deserve to remain in the show any longer. Sooner or later, with the 5-probation = expulsion rule, Kristoff, Michelle and Rosita are going to get the boot. I also have to say that the three-level elimination works better than depending solely on votes or solely on judges. Gone are the days when those who are popular outlast those who are good. Good job, PDA!

More power to these two shows!

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After the Storm

I'm back, happy(ier)...

It's been a while, guys. And trust me, I feel better. Thank you for everyone who've been there during those rough times. I appreciate all the support. Nes and Shirls, thank you for the comments below. You hit me where it mattered most. Jel, thank you for the response in your blog (although it hurt my head just figuring out how it could be a response :p). Coming from you, it means simply everything. Everything.

Well, I'm back, happy(ier). Good. Great.

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Karmic Retribution

...two days ago, I would have written this.

[Note: If not for the technical problems our computer faced two days ago, I would have written this. The tone of the entry does not necessarily reflect how I'm feeling now, but it sure as hell reflects how I felt two days ago.]

In Grade 4, during a class meeting, our president asked if there were issues or concerns that needed to be addressed by the class during that time. One of the members of the group I led raised her hand and told the class, "I think Kerwin is an irresponsible leader." She saved herself the trouble of sugarcoating her words. I cried in front of everyone.

In Grade 5, I experienced another issue with responsibility. Two of my groupmates drew faces and wrote "Kailan tayo pa-practice ng ating sayaw? Boo! Nye nye nye nye nye!" on my intermediate pad paper. They did this while I was away, so I did not know it was them until they told me much, much later. I cried upon seeing the anonymous messages. I was once again the elected leader of that group.

In Grade 6, I lost the P500 my parents gave me as payment for the required grade school yearbook. Knowing I would be asked about it, I stole P500 pesos from our sari-sari store just so that I would be able to present something. I was indeed asked, but I was also found out when my uncle discovered the original money inadvertently thrown in the garbage bin. My father made me vow never to do it again, with my right hand raised and my left hand pressed against the Bible, appearing as though I was a witness on the court stand. That same year, I spent the P500 playing PlayStation with my friends.

In Grade 6, one of my friends shouted at me that she did not need me in her life.

In the summer of 2000, before entering my 4th year in high school, I joined the AJSS, held here in Manila. I thoroughly enjoyed it, but in the course of that stay, I managed to alienate my friends back in Davao. Three of them were pissed at me, and another two were slightly pissed because the others were pissed. One of them came back from her trip in Italy without buying me any pasalubong, because she was pissed. When the air cleared and we were able to talk about what happened, they were pissed because I ignored them, and apparently I came across like an arrogant jerk. Pissable, indeed.

In 4th year high school, my girl best friend waged a 6-month silent war against me, the onset of which was marked by an eloquently written but nonetheless painful e-mail with the subject of: "You Are Such a Jerk." That same year, another best friend wrote me a Post-It note saying, "I don't think I can talk to you right now."

Before entering college, one of my closest guy friends told me something so heartfelt and so personal about himself that I knew he needed all the support he could get at that critical juncture in his life. I chose to stay away instead.

In 2nd year college, one of my closest friends told me that I had betrayed her. Our friendship ended at that point. That same night, someone who's been nothing but kind to me told me that I had betrayed him.

In 4th year college, I betrayed someone special again.

In my 1st year of work, during one of my infrequent vacations, my parents told me that they had the impression that I had no concern for them or for my brothers.

In my 2nd year of work, one of my officemates, perhaps the one I was closest with, got mad because she felt I did not have enough time for them. That I failed to reach out as actively as I could have. I cried once again.

And now, this.

Could four different periods in my life be wrong?

I am not a good son.
I am not a good brother.
I am not a good friend.
I am not a good lover.

Stay away from me. I will just hurt you.

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Taking A Much-Needed Break

...I think I deserve a very long break.

On the heels of that last entry, and on the heels of so much going on in my life, I think I deserve a very long break. I am fortunate to have planned one in advance. Of course, back in February when my Papa and I were scheduling my vacation, I had absolutely no premonition whatsoever that these events were going to happen. Back then, circumstances were different. Perhaps even I was different.

Anyway, vacation time is here. I'll be off to Davao tomorrow, and will be back Friday next week. This break is far from what I've been accustomed to back in college (with sem breaks and Christmas breaks and what-not), but I'll take what I have during these hard times. Besides, my leave couldn't have come at a better time. In Davao, I can recharge myself. In Davao, I can renew myself.

Till next Friday, guys. I will miss you.

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Transference

...this blog stays despite eveything...

If you look at the right side of this site, you'll notice that this is the third blog that I have created. The first two "died" because of two different reasons-- the first due to betrayal, the second due to boredom. Given recent life-changing events, it would seem like a good time to change blog sites anew. Except that I will not. Not this time.

Recovery is not easy. It never was. Up until now I cannot honestly say that I have recovered. But I can try to reach that moment when I can be happy with myself once again. I can attempt to reach that point when I don't suddenly stare into space thinking of what-ifs and suddenly fall into uncomfortable silence thinking of if-only's.

Yet in my quest of finding new meaning in the future, I have to face what I have done in the past. I have to remember, so that I may learn. Hence, this blog stays despite everything that has happened. Life is a continuous series of events, both happy and sad, both good and bad, and this blog will attempt to emulate that.

Despite the pain. Despite the sorrow.

In hopes of sunshine after the rain. In hopes for an enlightened tomorrow.

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Early Mornings, Early Nights

Not love lost, for that will forever remain.

The mornings are the worst. The mornings are the loneliest. Especially that moment when I have my hand on the door, that moment when I have to leave again for work. I hesitate, because I know something's missing. Something's not the same. I linger on for a while before finally stepping out of the room to leave. But my footfalls are now a little bit louder, and the closing of the door a little bit firmer. Just so I'll be noticed. Just so I can say, "I'm still here."

Work distracts me, and I feel better.

The nights are even better and I am thankful. There's still that distinct pang of pain that can only be sadness caused by a lost love. Not love lost, for that will remain. And I want it to. The nights are better, even with that pain, because the contact remains. The conversations remain. And the loving remains. The nights are better up until that point when I have to sleep, when I have to face the full force of the sadness once again. When my thoughts tell me that I have to leave in the morning a little bit earlier again, and at night, sleep a little bit earlier again.

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Of Ends and Beginnings

- - -

My heart bleeds.

It's so painful.

It hurts so bad.

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- - -

Deep Within

i'm tired.
i'm confused.
i don't want to think anymore.

that's what i've always done.
think and think and think some more.

why can't i just have fun?
why do i always have to think?

i want to be in a happy place.
i want to be blissful: in a beach, in a resthouse, in a bar.
away from everything.
away from every single thing that causes me sadness.
with a glass of juice, or a pillow, or a beer in hand.
alone, but not really alone.
talking to the sea, talking to the birds, talking to some random stranger.

no one i know is with me.
in this place, i am in a bubble.
protected. defended. secure.

i worry about nothing.
i worry about no one.

because in the end, there's just me.

i deserve to be alone. i think i'm meant to be alone.

i am terribly, terribly tired.
i am terribly, terribly sad.

just.
sad.

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Post-Birthday Happy Happy

Needless to say, I am a happy 22-year old.

My 22nd birthday would not have been the same if not for the people who greeted me, texted me, called me up, posted me as one of their topics in their blogs, and even thought of me and realized that it's my birthday but decided not to greet me because I didn't greet them on their birthdays. Thank you! Even when I'm in my old age and locked up in a mental asylum (a fine place to be in your last days, I think), I shall remember each of your faces.

I must especially thank my mean girls for providing me with one heck of a surprise. I love the fitting shirts and that funky belt! I have already plans of using them as weapons to flirt. But of course, of course, my loyalties are with you guys always. Thank you!

I must also thank my youngling and youngling-extension friends in the Actuarial Department! Exposing me in all my nakedness (well, not really), poking fun at my tremendous height (well, also not really), and providing with more weapons of flirtation (what's with all the flirtation, huh?) was truly an unexpected twist in what was turning out to be a very happy day. Thank you!

Finally, I'd like to thank Jel for that wonderful treat in the Spaghetti Factory! Please never leave me? Please? Haha. Thank you!

Needless to say, I am a happy 22-year-old.

(I'm sorry for that morbid image involving lunatics in caged cells-- I have no intention of being locked up during the next few decades, so there is no need to worry.)

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Post-Birthday Melancholy

In my vulnerability, I am light, and in my lightness, I am free.

Melancholy is a state of being that strikes me often, hard, and unexpectedly. When I get melancholic, I feel like I'm floating in limbo, at peace with myself and everyone, and yet-- and yet there's something amiss. There's something lacking about something that which I truly do not understand. I cannot pinpoint the exact reason for this melancholy. It just is.

I am melancholic right now. By definition, I do not know why. It does not distract me from work, thankfully. It's one of the better things that this state of being sends my way. I become productive in this state: I study better, I work faster, I think in clearer terms. It feels as if all my defenses-- heavy, clunky, and definitely not worth the weight-- have been put down. In my vulnerability, I am light, and in my lightness, I am free.

I am free. And yet I am not free.

Everything about this is a paradox. I am free because I feel light. But if I were truly free, then melancholy wouldn't make me feel as though I'm missing something. This nagging yet mercifully distant voice weighs me down. And if something is pulling me down, then I cannot soar, and therefore I am not free. And yet I am.

If anyone can make any sense of what I just wrote, tell me. I've been searching for answers since time immemorial, and have found none as yet. Consider this your share in promoting world peace.

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Kingdom Expansion

Travel on... to the land of Multiply.

The king has decided to expand his kingdom beyond the borders of Blogspot Land. Although the new land contains exactly the same letters and laws as that present in Blogspot, citizens will be surprised to see that the place is actually more visual in nature. Those clamoring for a portrait with the King can find themselves happier there. Travel on, citizens, to the land of Multiply.

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August 13

Happy birthday to me!

This is going to be very short: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

[Added 12:23 AM.] My birthday's over. I'm officially starting life as a 22 year old. I don't know what awaits me out there, but I'm sure it's going to be exciting. Friends, get ready for another dose of the Dark-Skinned King!

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Rent-isms

...don't you want your [boy] hot?

Some thoughts taken from the wonderful movie Rent (such a give-away as to how the movie review would go, hehe):

"How do you document real life when real life's getting more like fiction each day?"

"There's only us, there's only this, forget regret or life is yours to miss, no other road, no other way, no day but today..."

"Open your door, I'll be your tenant, don't got much baggage to lay at your feet. But sweet kisses I've got to spare. I'll be there, and I'll cover you."

"I think they meant it, when they said you can't buy love, now I know you can rent it, a new lease you are my love..."

"To days of inspiration, playing hookey, making something out of nothing... to communicate, to going against the grain, going insane, going mad..."

"...food of love, emotion, mathematics, isolation, rhythm, power, feeling, harmony, and heavy competition..."

"Every single day, I walk down the street, I hear people say, 'Baby's so sweet.' Ever since puberty, everybody stares at me-- boys, girls-- I can't help it baby..."

"Take me for what I am, who I was meant to be... and if you give a damn, take me baby, or leave me. No way - can I be what I'm not, but hey - don't you want your [boy] hot?"

I understand that what I wrote above are lyrics from the soundtrack rather than original thoughts, but you can be assured that each has a purpose as to why they're there. Hee.

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A Tale of Two Bees

...the Jollibee in Powerplant stings, while the Jollibee in Guadalupe soars...

It was the best of Bees, it was the worst of Bees. One lay at the heart of cosmopolitan grandeur, the other lay at the heart of metropolitan bourgeoisie. But alas! None has ever experienced a discrepancy as great as that which struck the two artificial Bees. The supposedly classy Bee was yet the more obnoxious, stinging its victims with helplessness and a feeling of impending loss. The supposedly un-classy Bee was yet the more hospitable, spreading its nectar far and wide with super speed and unprecedented efficiency.

The first Bee can be found, as of the moment, in a little mall called Powerplant. The second Bee can be seen hovering about Guadalupe, near the MRT station. For those who are getting annoyed with this parallel way of blogging, what I'm saying is simply this: the Jollibee in Powerplant stings, while the Jollibee in Guadalupe soars above expectations.

It would not be difficult to find the irony in this. The rich patrons frequenting the Powerplant mall would not be so keen with unresponsive waiters, wrong orders, and spilled drinks. In other words, they are less tolerant with inefficiency than those, say, frequenting the Jollibee in Guadalupe. One would expect a fantastically efficient staff in all Jollibee outlets, but even more so in places where standards are exceedingly high. Unfortunately (and how unfortunate I was, indeed), this is not the case in Jollibee Rockwell. Jittery, slow, caricatures of blunder: these are but few of the negative terms to describe the staff.

On the other hand, the people manning the Guadalupe branch of Jollibee are icons of cleanliness, friendliness, and most important, efficiency. Anyone who buys their food there would never have to wait for their food for long; will be informed if the food is going to take some time; and will be given, more or less, an accurate estimation of the time that's going to be needed for waiting. The waiters and servers themselves are courteous, quick-minded, and don't look as though their grandmothers have died last night. Without fear of stepping into the boundaries of hasty generalizations, I would have to say that they are the best staff I have ever encountered in fastfood outlets. More power to them.

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