To Be a Better Man

I am a changed man, and I am not liking it.

I have had a hard time writing this entry. There's a point I want to say, but I just can't figure out how to do it. Then I realize I'm just trying to be grammatical and coherent again. There's really no need to create a "perfect" intro to this one. It's just as simple as this:

I am a changed man, and I am not liking it.


I am not liking the way I look at myself, the way I think of other people, the way I treat my friends and loved ones, the way I handle my problems, the way I cope with really difficult situations, the way I deal with the past, the way I approach life in general. This is not me 9 years ago. This is not me 6 years ago. Heck, this isn't even me 2 years ago.

But then, the human spirit is a resilient force. There comes a point when it gets tired of all the drama, the envy, and the pain. It learns to withstand further stress. It learns to adapt. It learns to compromise. And I am in that situation right now. I am negotiating with myself to make myself a better man. With the help of those who love me, care for me, and believe in me, I am going to get there. Like an angel with wings spread wide, I am going to soar on greater heights, in higher flight.

I am going to get there.

And with that, I'm back.

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The Start of All Things Happy

2007 is shaping up to be one of my favorite years ever.

2007 is shaping up to be one of my favorite years ever. I don't know if this is just an illusion, given how much my 2006 sucked, but I would like to believe that this year is awesome as it is.


Seemingly proving my point, I received two awesome news this morning. The first news involved my brother, Kenneth. One of the reasons why Kenneth visited me this holiday break instead of me going back home to celebrate Christmas with them was because my parents wanted me to introduce Kenneth to Manila culture. Kenneth is soon to become a college freshman here in Manila, and given his "innocence" (nyakers), we wanted, as much as possible, to make his transition from Davao to Manila life as less stressful as possible. Of course, all these preparations would be for naught if Kenneth didn't pass the Ateneo or UP entrance exams. Well, guess what? The ACET results are in, and my brother passed. Yebah! Never had I doubted Kenneth's chances, but still, it's nice to see the "ACCEPTED" mark written beside his name. Wee!

The second piece of awesome news involved one of my wish list items. One of my earlier entries below had this written: And en route from the United States (I'm getting ahead of myself here, writing down what has not yet happened, but what the heck, I'm going to risk disappointment anyway) is my red iPod Nano! Again, guess what? Brian didn't disappoint. Brian soared above all expectations. My new iPod Nano is indeed on its way from New York City, and it's bound to arrive here in Manila by Wednesday or Thursday this week. Whew! Talk about having a blast! I'm so excited to see this beautiful gadget!

Life can be truly amazing sometimes. After beating me black and blue last year, it's now bringing me sunflowers in wooden little baskets, and making me ride the pink unicorns for free!

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Three Kings

...it's not just a coincidence, but something more.

It's amazing. I'm inclined to believe that it's not just a coincidence, but something more. But I'm also doubtful if my father actually thought of all these. The gap between the ages is just too far apart, and besides, I've been told that my godmother gave my father my name. Anyway, before anyone starts complaining they're beginning to feel out of place, here's what happened.

I was doing one of my year-end entries for my blog when my brother Kenneth mentioned that his name, Roy, actually also meant "king." I didn't believe him. Ray, from the Spanish "rey," meant "king." But he insisted. So we went to this site, and we found out, unsurprisingly, that Ray does mean "kingly" or "royal," but then we also discovered (to Kenneth's glee) that Roy does mean "king"! Amazing. We then joked that our older brother's name, Ryan, could not possibly mean "king," but what do you know? Ryan means "little king"! My brother and I stared at each other and laughed our asses off. Who would have thunk it? We couldn't believe that our parents actually meant for that to happen, so we just chalked it up to coincidence. It's just utterly surreal, though. Until now, I keep telling those who are willing to listen how great this discovery is. And it only took us 15 years to find out.

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Year-End Series: Plans, Plans, Plans

Year-End Series

Now, we've come to the last part of my Year-End Series. After describing some of my pet peeves and pet loves; after revealing both thankful and tactless thoughts on the most prominent people in my life during 2006; and after providing a short but comprehensive summary of the year that was, it's now time to disclose what my plans for the future are. I'll try to be specific as possible, and I'll try to write down resolutions for each aspect of my life. Here they are:


Work:

1. Never work on a Sunday again. It's only fun when you're in the company of friends. Even then, there's that nagging feeling that you guys shouldn't be having fun in the midst of work: you guys should be having fun outside it.

2. Avoid coming in on a Saturday. There are ways of not having to work on weekends, I'm pretty sure. And I'm also pretty sure that I haven't done all of these ways.

3. Be home by 8 PM. I'm not saying that I should leave the office by 8-- I should be home by 8. This means that I should be out of the office by 6 to 7. I will only stay longer if 1) there's a project that needs to be rushed, and 2) this project cannot be done at home. Like I said, there are ways of not having to extend my stay in the office.

4. Reduce chatting time. I have reason to believe that the chatroom is where much of my lost productivity goes. Cutting down on the virtual talk can very well be the key in accomplishing more during the 8 hours allotted to work.

5. Speed up on the studies. Slack not, human! Think faster, but also think better. This is the hardest part to change about work, but I will try. I will really try.

Lifestyle:

1. Eat less. Continue with the fish and seafood "diet". I have accomplished much in 2006 when I cut down my rice intake from 2 cups to 1. Unfortunately, what I lost in rice I gained in everything else. Haha. Now that I know the eating ways of the Actuarial Division, I would adapt accordingly.

2. Find a physical activity to engage in. Chris suggests badminton with Paul. Despite my limited motor skills, I can do that, I think. Jogging (like what Jel has started to do) is difficult, given my 830 schedule. Getting a gym pass will only be worth it if someone tags along. I wouldn't want to do all the exercises alone. That would probably be a ticket to embarrassment.

3. Sleep earlier. Now that I'm vowing to go home earlier, I have no excuse to sleep later. If I get my early rest, I then have no excuse of arriving late at work. I then will have ample time to prepare myself psychologically for the rest of the day.

4. Spend less, save more. I'm not sure I can cut down on the money spent on taxis. Oops. I can cut down on food, I think. And on coffee (once I get my Starbucks planner). Hay, this is such a difficult resolution. But like any other resolution, I would have to try.

5. Another reason why Lifestyle resolution #4 is so difficult to achieve. Perhaps I should strike it out now. Haha. Resolution #5: look good. This is simply a vanity thing. Buy better-fitting clothes. Buy clothes! Buy shoes that fit. Buy shoes! Smell good, look good, feel good. Toj has an idea, and perhaps I can adopt it here: risk more. Like what she says in her blog, "Trying new things everyday isn't so bad at all." I concur.

6. Read more about current events. Subscribe to Time or Newsweek or Reader's Digest. I've started this year by reading outside my usual brand of fiction (Stephen King and his posse), and I've found it to be quite satisfying. Especially the nonfiction kind. They say truth is stranger than fiction, and perhaps I can delve into those literary pieces, as well.

Personal Relationships:

1. Be nicer to others. Not in the passive sense, but in the active one. Go out of my way to make people feel better about themselves. I'm not going to plan Any Big Thing, but just little acts of kindness. Like what most self-help books would say, "A Little Deed Goes A Long Way."

2. Be meaner to others. Yes, meaner to others who deserve the meanness. This year, I have no plans of being trampled upon again. I'm sure this is quite difficult, the most difficult one to implement among all my resolutions, primarily because who I am is innate to me. I've grown this personality for 22 years, and a sudden shift to the "dark side" is going to take some time. But whatever. After all I've been through in 2006, I cannot honestly say I haven't changed.

Those are my plans for 2007. Even now, I'm sure I won't be able to accomplish all of them. But optimistic am I. This is for my own good, why shouldn't I attempt to make myself better, right?

Right.

Have a very merry 2007, everyone! :)

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Year-End Series: The Year 2006 in Review

Year-End Series

Let me just say it aloud, right here at the onset: 2006 sucked. But then again, I'm getting ahead of myself, and already generalizing. Here's a short summary of the year, month by month.


January: Received news that I passed Course FM after months of anticipation. I got a 17 over 25 in a test that had 18 as its previous passing mark. I was on the bubble for weeks, and when the results came, I was happy as hell. Started studying for Course M, having heard the future Actuarial Idol's performance on the exam.

Also: my phone got stolen on the 2nd of January. My 5-year old phone, my gift from my high school graduation, the phone I've learned to love, got nabbed by a thief inside our boarding house room. The freaking phone was just beside me on the bed. Tsk tsk. Maybe it was nature's way of saying, "Replace that ancient gadget." In any case, because of the kindness of Joey's mom, I got a new phone, the Sony Walkman 550i, during the last week of January.

February: Weeks of studying at work interrupted when the big guns from Hong Kong arrived. Company projects were given. I was shipped off to PELAC. Transportation became so much less of a burden. Met new friends.

March: Continued secret project in PELAC. First experienced going home beyond 6 PM because of work. Moreover, also first experienced the wonders of vomiting induced by consuming unrealistic amounts of alcohol. The pressure of MAP graduation began to be felt by everyone.

April: I am not sure if anything happened during this month. I studied more for Course M, I guess. Ah, wait. First met Mr. Centeno in a meeting with Ms. Jess, Ms. Avic, and Steve Clark. It then dawned on me that these were my future bosses. I grew more excited about the transference.

May: Everything was set. I was told I would be going to Actuarial. That was happy news. The MA Program was over. That was sad news. We were told about our final destinations: some were happy, some were satisfied, others became depressed. To keep ourselves intact, and to keep our friendship whole, we went to Ange's resthouse in Pililla. Site of the now infamous Jacuzzi. Surely, these were great times. And then, graduation. Sad times once again.

And oh. I took the Course M exam. Difficult. The PAK scores, however, pushed me to be optimistic.

June: Entered Actuarial. It was a wonderful transference, to say the least. I believe, among the 8 of us in MAP, I had the easiest time adjusting to post-MAP depression. Must be the people who were in the department. Several of them were within spitting distance from my age, and a notable few made my first few days very pleasant. Had my first videoke session. Went to Batangas with them on my first week, got drunk, and slept.

Work-wise, I suddenly felt inadequate. My Excel skills, which in MAP I thought were good enough, could not even compare to the rest. I questioned my own ability to learn what others have learned; I became quite insecure. I first became appalled at myself during the time that I accomplished only one bullet point for the day. I shared these insecurities to my other MA friends, and they felt the same way. I felt better, knowing that we were all struggling. It wasn't me, it must be the newness of the jobs.

I became fatter. At the end of the month, I have gained more than ten pounds.

I received my bonus. I invested in PAMI and saved in China Bank.

July: Such an interesting month. And perhaps the month that triggered all the other months that followed.

First worked on a Saturday. I was quite proud of it during that time. I'm sure it was not necessary to work on a Saturday at that point, but I did. Just to test the waters, so to speak.

And speaking of testing the waters... this was the month of knowing. This was the month of discovering. The discoveries were a result of a straightforward question, and a test that eventually paid off. The repercussions were extreme, to say the least, but these could be told another time. The important thing is: it all happened in July.

But wait, there's more! I learned that I passed the Course M exam. Yebah! Unfortunately, due to some pressing deadlines, I was not able to study for Course C right away. What a very bad decision.

But wait, there's more!

There was four.

August: My birthday! I turned 22. I didn't realize it at that time, chalking it up to melancholy, but I was already on the verge of the biggest depression of my entire life. The question playing on my mind right now is this: if I knew in advance what would happen, would I have been able to stop it?

September: Heartbreak. Hardships. Despair. Depression. A temporary reprieve in the form of a vacation. Karmic retribution. Kerwin, interrupted. Kerwin, lost. Bouts of self-pity. Bouts of self-hate. The worst month of my entire life. And I'm not exaggerating.

John Mayer in Comfortable: "Can't remember, what went wrong last September; though I'm sure you'd remind me, if you had to. Our love was, comfortable and... so broken in..."

Green Day in Wake Me Up When September Ends: "The innocent can never last... wake me up, when September ends."

October: The time of recovery. I learned to expand my horizons to include other people. I learned to become more conscious about myself. This, I believe, was the time when I became more vain. If I were to put an exact month on those initial moments of vanity, it would be October.

In other news, I started to fear more about my Course C exam.

November: Took the Course C exam, got a 22, one less than the usual passing mark. And with that, I returned once again to the time when I just finished the Course FM exam. I was on the bubble once again, with weeks of nail-biting anticipation ahead of me. If I pass, then I would be promoted to Actuarial Associate. If I don't pass, then I would have to endure the new exam syllabus, as well as the utter humiliation I would be taking from my own self.

On a more personal note, I learned that some people suck. Just when I was recovering, someone comes along to aggravate the wounds. It's not the person's fault, not really, but I can't help but think that it could all have been avoided. I couldn't believe I almost plunged into depression again!

December: Spent half of this month organizing the Actuarial Christmas party. It ended a little below my expectations, but I think we managed it well.

In other news, this was the month of shocking changes. The most "abrupt" month, if that even makes sense. It bothered me a little, but then I got over it. I learned to accept things as they were, and not make a big fuss over them. To help me achieve this, I adopted the mantra: "Be nice, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." This helped me in feeling happiness I haven't felt for some time. Being good is good.

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As you can see, 2006 was bad, but it wasn't devastatingly bad. I managed to recover from the mid-year crisis I underwent. Of course, the remnants of that time are still with me; I doubt if these embers will ever fade. I'm not one to complain, though. Perhaps it's good that I have these experiences with me, to help me become a better person, to help me become a better man. In the future, I may be able to look at that time in my life and feel, not a stinging sense of regret and sadness, but a refreshing sense of having grown as a person, of having learned from my stupid mistakes.

Here's to a happier 2007! :)

Next up in the Year-End Series: Plans, Plans, Plans.

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Year-End Series: Good Boy/Mean Boy

Year-End Series

I have decided to write a 4-part series of blog entries to mark the end of the hideous 2006, and the start of what I hope will be a better 2007. To start things off, let me begin with a list of things I loved and hated in two-oh-oh-six, and will probably still love and hate in two-oh-oh-seven.


Pet Peeves

1. People who smoke while walking in public. For some reason, it is only this year that I found this to be extremely annoying. And for some reason, it is only in UN, just after my morning commute, that this happens. Trekking the road from Taft to the office has become quite an obstacle course; in the end, I feel like I haven't showered at all. I suggest a punishment that requires using the offender's face as an ashtray.

2. Commuting. Now that I've mentioned it, it is also in 2006 that I learned to hate commuting. Why, oh why is it so hard to get a decent FX in the morning? Why, oh why is it so hard to get a cab in UN? Why, oh why do I need to squish and grind with other people in the MRT and LRT? (See Hate entry #3 below.) Why, oh why do I feel like taking a shower again when I take the jeep to work? Why, oh why isn't there a direct route from Guadalupe to UN? Why do routes have to stop at Pedro Gil? Can't they drive a little bit farther, like, one station away?

3. People invading my personal bubble. That is, people who bump and grind into me while I'm out there walking in the street or grabbing the poles in the MRT and LRT. I feel slighted everytime someone bumps me while I'm walking. I'm pretty sure it's not intentional, but can't people make a conscious effort to avoid other people? Isn't there what David Hume calls convention? Hay. Back off, people! Back off!

4. Being late. This may come as a surprise, but I hate being late. It absolutely wrecks the beginning of my day when I come in late. I am a firm believer of psychological readiness, and everytime I'm tardy, I just entirely miss preparing myself for the day ahead. Result? Grumpiness that lasts the whole morning. The weird thing about all this is that, back when I was still an MA, I had no problems with tardiness. Hmmm...

5. One-line text messages. Haha. This is a minor pet peeve that has the ability to grow into a major irritation. Please try to squeeze in more words in your messages. Please don't be satisfied with a one-line-- or worse, one-word-- SMS. First, it makes me feel as though you haven't put too much thought in composing. Second, it makes me feel as though I'm not worth the extra words. Third, sayang ang piso mo, dude. And while you're at it, please add a smiley, just so I know you're not mad at me. I'm paranoid that way.


Whew. That was easier than I thought. Now, for the hard part:

Pet Loves

1. Getting in a Crosswind FX or a cab with leather seats. At rare times like these, I feel like the world is at peace with me again. I just love the feeling of being able to ride such a wonderful and fabulous public utility vehicle. Never mind the traffic-- in the first place, it has never been a pet peeve, and in the second place, what's there to worry when you're having such a luxurious ride? Better prolong the bliss, right?

2. Chris and Nicole. And, to a lesser extent, DJ Mo. The radio programs of these two sets of personalities never fail to intrigue me or bring a smile to my face. Jologs na kung jologs. We have to take happiness whenever we can find it, no matter how embarrassing. More power to Christsuper, Nicolegiala, and the Forbidden Questions of DJ Mo! Here's to another year of suppressed laughter and surprise.

3. Unsolicited Positive Reinforcement. UPR, for short; morale boosters, in other words. By definition, UPR's are unexpected kind or encouraging words received by someone from his friends, acquaintances, or even total strangers. No matter what the intention of the sender, the effect must be the same: a sudden boost of happiness, a sudden jolt in life. Given this, it's not surprising to know how much I love these UPR's. There's nothing like an unexpected text message or Friendster testimonial to really make my day.

4. Terms of endearment. Aben, Abs, Bansy, Boks, Kelwin, Ker, Kerwinette, Kerwit, Wing, Wing-Wing. It's not called terms of "endearment" for nothing. These words silently say to me: "I like you, and I'm letting you know. I just don't want to be too obvious about it." Of course, I might be too presumptuous. At the very least, calling me by these names tells me that you still respect me enough to address me by my real identity. (Hee. It's so hard justifying such a shallow source of momentary glee.)

5. Getting that perfect picture. I'm in a quest to find the perfect picture angle. More often than not, I fail to achieve this. It's quite "fulfilling," however, when I feel like I've got it, when I feel that the picture captured one of my handsome moments. Like I said in my Friendster account, 2006 is my year for vanity, so I'm more conscious about these things. And it's nice to receive affirmation.

I'll stop now before people start throwing tomatoes at me. Hee.

Next up in the Year-End Series: Things I Want to Say to People.

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Taking A Much-Needed Break

...I think I deserve a very long break.

On the heels of that last entry, and on the heels of so much going on in my life, I think I deserve a very long break. I am fortunate to have planned one in advance. Of course, back in February when my Papa and I were scheduling my vacation, I had absolutely no premonition whatsoever that these events were going to happen. Back then, circumstances were different. Perhaps even I was different.

Anyway, vacation time is here. I'll be off to Davao tomorrow, and will be back Friday next week. This break is far from what I've been accustomed to back in college (with sem breaks and Christmas breaks and what-not), but I'll take what I have during these hard times. Besides, my leave couldn't have come at a better time. In Davao, I can recharge myself. In Davao, I can renew myself.

Till next Friday, guys. I will miss you.

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Sleepy

Everywhere I type. Everywhere I write.

Posts to follow:
1. Review of Rent, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, and Superman Returns.
2. Review of The Old Spaghetti House, Burgoo, Pizza Hut Bistro, and Jollibee Rockwell.
3. Review of Heroes of Might and Magic V.

Studies to follow:
1. Withdrawal Experience Study
2. PA Expense Study
3. Group Industry Statistics

Everywhere I type. Everywhere I write. I cannot help myself. I'll always go back to writing. Only one thing can stop me, and that is sleep. So I'll stop.

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