Just So You Know

Just so you know, this feeling's taking control of me...

With the advent of my new iPod, my music library has expanded quite considerably. I am no longer content with just listening to songs that I "accidentally" encounter. Instead, I search for the newest songs out there and download them! I am definitely trying to catch up with the times.

One of the more recent songs I heard (and ultimately loved) was Jesse McCartney's Just So You Know. I've always pegged Jesse as Aaron Carter's competitor, but with this song, he proved me wrong. He is so much more mature than Aaron could ever attempt to be. You know what? The song actually touched me. The beat and the melody may be pop, but the beat and the melody betray the meaning of the song's lyrics. Listen to it, and you'll see what I mean.

You can check out the lyrics below.



I shouldn't love you but I want you
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

I shouldn't love you but I want you
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus:]
Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus]

This emptiness is killing me
And I'm wondering why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I'm waiting here...been waiting here

[Chorus]

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Random Ramblings from the King

I'm going back to work tomorrow.

I'm going back to work tomorrow (or today, it's already 2 AM, but whatever). It's been a fun 6 days' worth of vacation. I just hope I've learned my lessons, whatever these lessons may be.

I'm just babbling here, but please let me. I'm in that melancholic mood again. Everyone's asleep already, so I'm just here, hanging around. I'm about to sleep in awhile. Maybe that's why I'm just randomly writing. I'm making myself sleep.

This is such a pointless post. I can't even say what I have to say.

Like I said to my friend, AA, it's amazing what life throws at you. Curve balls! Or maybe boomerangs. Haha. AA, let's talk! Let's talk talk. I have a lot of things to share. Maybe you can be my psychiatrist or something.

I'm going to work tomorrow. I'm going to work tomorrow. I'm going to work tomorrow.


In every cloud, there is a silver lining
That shines at each arc
That sparkles at each curve
That scintillates at every angle

It shields us from nightmares
And guards our thoughts
So we may not be lost in them
So we may not be caught in them

Of its end and of its beginning
We know not, we see not--
And we do not care
As long as the lining is there

Ah, what mythical god
Held the world on his shoulders
And saw those clouds fly past
In silver flight?

What did he say when he was no stronger?
When he was no brighter?
"I must move faster, soar higher!
I must reach those sparkling lights."

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To Be a Better Man

I am a changed man, and I am not liking it.

I have had a hard time writing this entry. There's a point I want to say, but I just can't figure out how to do it. Then I realize I'm just trying to be grammatical and coherent again. There's really no need to create a "perfect" intro to this one. It's just as simple as this:

I am a changed man, and I am not liking it.


I am not liking the way I look at myself, the way I think of other people, the way I treat my friends and loved ones, the way I handle my problems, the way I cope with really difficult situations, the way I deal with the past, the way I approach life in general. This is not me 9 years ago. This is not me 6 years ago. Heck, this isn't even me 2 years ago.

But then, the human spirit is a resilient force. There comes a point when it gets tired of all the drama, the envy, and the pain. It learns to withstand further stress. It learns to adapt. It learns to compromise. And I am in that situation right now. I am negotiating with myself to make myself a better man. With the help of those who love me, care for me, and believe in me, I am going to get there. Like an angel with wings spread wide, I am going to soar on greater heights, in higher flight.

I am going to get there.

And with that, I'm back.

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One Final Thought for the Night

*sigh*

Hay, buhay.

That is all. Bow.

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Year-End Series: Plans, Plans, Plans

Year-End Series

Now, we've come to the last part of my Year-End Series. After describing some of my pet peeves and pet loves; after revealing both thankful and tactless thoughts on the most prominent people in my life during 2006; and after providing a short but comprehensive summary of the year that was, it's now time to disclose what my plans for the future are. I'll try to be specific as possible, and I'll try to write down resolutions for each aspect of my life. Here they are:


Work:

1. Never work on a Sunday again. It's only fun when you're in the company of friends. Even then, there's that nagging feeling that you guys shouldn't be having fun in the midst of work: you guys should be having fun outside it.

2. Avoid coming in on a Saturday. There are ways of not having to work on weekends, I'm pretty sure. And I'm also pretty sure that I haven't done all of these ways.

3. Be home by 8 PM. I'm not saying that I should leave the office by 8-- I should be home by 8. This means that I should be out of the office by 6 to 7. I will only stay longer if 1) there's a project that needs to be rushed, and 2) this project cannot be done at home. Like I said, there are ways of not having to extend my stay in the office.

4. Reduce chatting time. I have reason to believe that the chatroom is where much of my lost productivity goes. Cutting down on the virtual talk can very well be the key in accomplishing more during the 8 hours allotted to work.

5. Speed up on the studies. Slack not, human! Think faster, but also think better. This is the hardest part to change about work, but I will try. I will really try.

Lifestyle:

1. Eat less. Continue with the fish and seafood "diet". I have accomplished much in 2006 when I cut down my rice intake from 2 cups to 1. Unfortunately, what I lost in rice I gained in everything else. Haha. Now that I know the eating ways of the Actuarial Division, I would adapt accordingly.

2. Find a physical activity to engage in. Chris suggests badminton with Paul. Despite my limited motor skills, I can do that, I think. Jogging (like what Jel has started to do) is difficult, given my 830 schedule. Getting a gym pass will only be worth it if someone tags along. I wouldn't want to do all the exercises alone. That would probably be a ticket to embarrassment.

3. Sleep earlier. Now that I'm vowing to go home earlier, I have no excuse to sleep later. If I get my early rest, I then have no excuse of arriving late at work. I then will have ample time to prepare myself psychologically for the rest of the day.

4. Spend less, save more. I'm not sure I can cut down on the money spent on taxis. Oops. I can cut down on food, I think. And on coffee (once I get my Starbucks planner). Hay, this is such a difficult resolution. But like any other resolution, I would have to try.

5. Another reason why Lifestyle resolution #4 is so difficult to achieve. Perhaps I should strike it out now. Haha. Resolution #5: look good. This is simply a vanity thing. Buy better-fitting clothes. Buy clothes! Buy shoes that fit. Buy shoes! Smell good, look good, feel good. Toj has an idea, and perhaps I can adopt it here: risk more. Like what she says in her blog, "Trying new things everyday isn't so bad at all." I concur.

6. Read more about current events. Subscribe to Time or Newsweek or Reader's Digest. I've started this year by reading outside my usual brand of fiction (Stephen King and his posse), and I've found it to be quite satisfying. Especially the nonfiction kind. They say truth is stranger than fiction, and perhaps I can delve into those literary pieces, as well.

Personal Relationships:

1. Be nicer to others. Not in the passive sense, but in the active one. Go out of my way to make people feel better about themselves. I'm not going to plan Any Big Thing, but just little acts of kindness. Like what most self-help books would say, "A Little Deed Goes A Long Way."

2. Be meaner to others. Yes, meaner to others who deserve the meanness. This year, I have no plans of being trampled upon again. I'm sure this is quite difficult, the most difficult one to implement among all my resolutions, primarily because who I am is innate to me. I've grown this personality for 22 years, and a sudden shift to the "dark side" is going to take some time. But whatever. After all I've been through in 2006, I cannot honestly say I haven't changed.

Those are my plans for 2007. Even now, I'm sure I won't be able to accomplish all of them. But optimistic am I. This is for my own good, why shouldn't I attempt to make myself better, right?

Right.

Have a very merry 2007, everyone! :)

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Year-End Series: The Year 2006 in Review

Year-End Series

Let me just say it aloud, right here at the onset: 2006 sucked. But then again, I'm getting ahead of myself, and already generalizing. Here's a short summary of the year, month by month.


January: Received news that I passed Course FM after months of anticipation. I got a 17 over 25 in a test that had 18 as its previous passing mark. I was on the bubble for weeks, and when the results came, I was happy as hell. Started studying for Course M, having heard the future Actuarial Idol's performance on the exam.

Also: my phone got stolen on the 2nd of January. My 5-year old phone, my gift from my high school graduation, the phone I've learned to love, got nabbed by a thief inside our boarding house room. The freaking phone was just beside me on the bed. Tsk tsk. Maybe it was nature's way of saying, "Replace that ancient gadget." In any case, because of the kindness of Joey's mom, I got a new phone, the Sony Walkman 550i, during the last week of January.

February: Weeks of studying at work interrupted when the big guns from Hong Kong arrived. Company projects were given. I was shipped off to PELAC. Transportation became so much less of a burden. Met new friends.

March: Continued secret project in PELAC. First experienced going home beyond 6 PM because of work. Moreover, also first experienced the wonders of vomiting induced by consuming unrealistic amounts of alcohol. The pressure of MAP graduation began to be felt by everyone.

April: I am not sure if anything happened during this month. I studied more for Course M, I guess. Ah, wait. First met Mr. Centeno in a meeting with Ms. Jess, Ms. Avic, and Steve Clark. It then dawned on me that these were my future bosses. I grew more excited about the transference.

May: Everything was set. I was told I would be going to Actuarial. That was happy news. The MA Program was over. That was sad news. We were told about our final destinations: some were happy, some were satisfied, others became depressed. To keep ourselves intact, and to keep our friendship whole, we went to Ange's resthouse in Pililla. Site of the now infamous Jacuzzi. Surely, these were great times. And then, graduation. Sad times once again.

And oh. I took the Course M exam. Difficult. The PAK scores, however, pushed me to be optimistic.

June: Entered Actuarial. It was a wonderful transference, to say the least. I believe, among the 8 of us in MAP, I had the easiest time adjusting to post-MAP depression. Must be the people who were in the department. Several of them were within spitting distance from my age, and a notable few made my first few days very pleasant. Had my first videoke session. Went to Batangas with them on my first week, got drunk, and slept.

Work-wise, I suddenly felt inadequate. My Excel skills, which in MAP I thought were good enough, could not even compare to the rest. I questioned my own ability to learn what others have learned; I became quite insecure. I first became appalled at myself during the time that I accomplished only one bullet point for the day. I shared these insecurities to my other MA friends, and they felt the same way. I felt better, knowing that we were all struggling. It wasn't me, it must be the newness of the jobs.

I became fatter. At the end of the month, I have gained more than ten pounds.

I received my bonus. I invested in PAMI and saved in China Bank.

July: Such an interesting month. And perhaps the month that triggered all the other months that followed.

First worked on a Saturday. I was quite proud of it during that time. I'm sure it was not necessary to work on a Saturday at that point, but I did. Just to test the waters, so to speak.

And speaking of testing the waters... this was the month of knowing. This was the month of discovering. The discoveries were a result of a straightforward question, and a test that eventually paid off. The repercussions were extreme, to say the least, but these could be told another time. The important thing is: it all happened in July.

But wait, there's more! I learned that I passed the Course M exam. Yebah! Unfortunately, due to some pressing deadlines, I was not able to study for Course C right away. What a very bad decision.

But wait, there's more!

There was four.

August: My birthday! I turned 22. I didn't realize it at that time, chalking it up to melancholy, but I was already on the verge of the biggest depression of my entire life. The question playing on my mind right now is this: if I knew in advance what would happen, would I have been able to stop it?

September: Heartbreak. Hardships. Despair. Depression. A temporary reprieve in the form of a vacation. Karmic retribution. Kerwin, interrupted. Kerwin, lost. Bouts of self-pity. Bouts of self-hate. The worst month of my entire life. And I'm not exaggerating.

John Mayer in Comfortable: "Can't remember, what went wrong last September; though I'm sure you'd remind me, if you had to. Our love was, comfortable and... so broken in..."

Green Day in Wake Me Up When September Ends: "The innocent can never last... wake me up, when September ends."

October: The time of recovery. I learned to expand my horizons to include other people. I learned to become more conscious about myself. This, I believe, was the time when I became more vain. If I were to put an exact month on those initial moments of vanity, it would be October.

In other news, I started to fear more about my Course C exam.

November: Took the Course C exam, got a 22, one less than the usual passing mark. And with that, I returned once again to the time when I just finished the Course FM exam. I was on the bubble once again, with weeks of nail-biting anticipation ahead of me. If I pass, then I would be promoted to Actuarial Associate. If I don't pass, then I would have to endure the new exam syllabus, as well as the utter humiliation I would be taking from my own self.

On a more personal note, I learned that some people suck. Just when I was recovering, someone comes along to aggravate the wounds. It's not the person's fault, not really, but I can't help but think that it could all have been avoided. I couldn't believe I almost plunged into depression again!

December: Spent half of this month organizing the Actuarial Christmas party. It ended a little below my expectations, but I think we managed it well.

In other news, this was the month of shocking changes. The most "abrupt" month, if that even makes sense. It bothered me a little, but then I got over it. I learned to accept things as they were, and not make a big fuss over them. To help me achieve this, I adopted the mantra: "Be nice, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." This helped me in feeling happiness I haven't felt for some time. Being good is good.

-------------------------------

As you can see, 2006 was bad, but it wasn't devastatingly bad. I managed to recover from the mid-year crisis I underwent. Of course, the remnants of that time are still with me; I doubt if these embers will ever fade. I'm not one to complain, though. Perhaps it's good that I have these experiences with me, to help me become a better person, to help me become a better man. In the future, I may be able to look at that time in my life and feel, not a stinging sense of regret and sadness, but a refreshing sense of having grown as a person, of having learned from my stupid mistakes.

Here's to a happier 2007! :)

Next up in the Year-End Series: Plans, Plans, Plans.

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Congratulations, Jel.

I am happy for you.

Congratulations are in order. Congratulations, Jel, you deserve this. Let the singing angel lull you to bed at night with a smile pasted on your lips; let the same sweet voice rouse you in the morning.

I have prayed long and hard for this to come into your life, and it has finally happened. I am glad for you. I am happy for you. You might not believe it, given all that you're seeing at this very moment, but it's true. I have only wished for good things for you since time immemorial, and every time a blessing is bestowed upon you, I am happy. As I am now.

God bless, Jel, as you walk through another phase of your life. The choir of angels in heaven are singing their joy, as one of them has gone down to share their song with you in your journey.

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Somebody Save Me

I need to let something out.

I don't usually post lyrics of songs, but this is needed. I need to let something out.

I feel my wings have broken in your hands
I feel the words unspoken inside

When they pull you under
And I would give you anything you want
Well all I wanted
All my dreams have fallen down
Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I've been waiting for you

I see the world has folded in your heart
I feel the waves crash down inside

And they pull me under
I would give you anything you want
Well all I wanted
And all my dreams have fallen down
Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I've been waiting for you

And all my dreams are on the ground

Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just save me

I've made this whole world shine for
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I'm still waiting for you

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Resignation

As some people would put it, "That's life."

I just received news that struck me the wrong way. It shouldn't have affected me the wrong way, but it did. There is nothing I can do now to change the way I feel. Maybe in the next few days or so, it would just fade into my subconscious like everything else, but as of the moment, I feel... off. And to top it all off, this confusing state of affairs happened just about the time when I was experiencing my own confusing state of affairs. The exhilaration of having back the "shivers"; then the disappointing realization that the "shivers" may be something temporary; then back again to the exhilaration. Who knows what it will be tomorrow?

I don't know what to think, don't know what to feel. I am both happy and sad. I know what I want yet don't. Sometimes, I just don't want to think anymore. I just want to sleep and stay in bed until somebody picks me up and places me in a mental hospital.

Weird. I had a blast last night in Eastwood. I actually felt alive and hopeful and optimistic that things will finally be back on track and that I wouldn't be a stranger to myself anymore. But Sunday came and everything just kinda backtracked. So instead of sleeping at 11 PM with a smile on my face, I'm actually still up at 12 AM with my brows together and my lips pursed together in all seriousness.

I am once again a wreck. And then I'll try to hide these things again from all the people around me. And I'll succeed in deluding myself that I am OK. And everyone will think I am OK, because I feel OK. But at the end of the day, or during some really quiet time, my mind would begin to wander, and I would be faced again with the reality that I am not OK.

As some people would put it, "That's life."

Boy, did that shrug and sigh of resignation feel so apt.

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After the Storm

I'm back, happy(ier)...

It's been a while, guys. And trust me, I feel better. Thank you for everyone who've been there during those rough times. I appreciate all the support. Nes and Shirls, thank you for the comments below. You hit me where it mattered most. Jel, thank you for the response in your blog (although it hurt my head just figuring out how it could be a response :p). Coming from you, it means simply everything. Everything.

Well, I'm back, happy(ier). Good. Great.

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Transference

...this blog stays despite eveything...

If you look at the right side of this site, you'll notice that this is the third blog that I have created. The first two "died" because of two different reasons-- the first due to betrayal, the second due to boredom. Given recent life-changing events, it would seem like a good time to change blog sites anew. Except that I will not. Not this time.

Recovery is not easy. It never was. Up until now I cannot honestly say that I have recovered. But I can try to reach that moment when I can be happy with myself once again. I can attempt to reach that point when I don't suddenly stare into space thinking of what-ifs and suddenly fall into uncomfortable silence thinking of if-only's.

Yet in my quest of finding new meaning in the future, I have to face what I have done in the past. I have to remember, so that I may learn. Hence, this blog stays despite everything that has happened. Life is a continuous series of events, both happy and sad, both good and bad, and this blog will attempt to emulate that.

Despite the pain. Despite the sorrow.

In hopes of sunshine after the rain. In hopes for an enlightened tomorrow.

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Early Mornings, Early Nights

Not love lost, for that will forever remain.

The mornings are the worst. The mornings are the loneliest. Especially that moment when I have my hand on the door, that moment when I have to leave again for work. I hesitate, because I know something's missing. Something's not the same. I linger on for a while before finally stepping out of the room to leave. But my footfalls are now a little bit louder, and the closing of the door a little bit firmer. Just so I'll be noticed. Just so I can say, "I'm still here."

Work distracts me, and I feel better.

The nights are even better and I am thankful. There's still that distinct pang of pain that can only be sadness caused by a lost love. Not love lost, for that will remain. And I want it to. The nights are better, even with that pain, because the contact remains. The conversations remain. And the loving remains. The nights are better up until that point when I have to sleep, when I have to face the full force of the sadness once again. When my thoughts tell me that I have to leave in the morning a little bit earlier again, and at night, sleep a little bit earlier again.

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Of Ends and Beginnings

- - -

My heart bleeds.

It's so painful.

It hurts so bad.

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- - -

Deep Within

i'm tired.
i'm confused.
i don't want to think anymore.

that's what i've always done.
think and think and think some more.

why can't i just have fun?
why do i always have to think?

i want to be in a happy place.
i want to be blissful: in a beach, in a resthouse, in a bar.
away from everything.
away from every single thing that causes me sadness.
with a glass of juice, or a pillow, or a beer in hand.
alone, but not really alone.
talking to the sea, talking to the birds, talking to some random stranger.

no one i know is with me.
in this place, i am in a bubble.
protected. defended. secure.

i worry about nothing.
i worry about no one.

because in the end, there's just me.

i deserve to be alone. i think i'm meant to be alone.

i am terribly, terribly tired.
i am terribly, terribly sad.

just.
sad.

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Post-Birthday Happy Happy

Needless to say, I am a happy 22-year old.

My 22nd birthday would not have been the same if not for the people who greeted me, texted me, called me up, posted me as one of their topics in their blogs, and even thought of me and realized that it's my birthday but decided not to greet me because I didn't greet them on their birthdays. Thank you! Even when I'm in my old age and locked up in a mental asylum (a fine place to be in your last days, I think), I shall remember each of your faces.

I must especially thank my mean girls for providing me with one heck of a surprise. I love the fitting shirts and that funky belt! I have already plans of using them as weapons to flirt. But of course, of course, my loyalties are with you guys always. Thank you!

I must also thank my youngling and youngling-extension friends in the Actuarial Department! Exposing me in all my nakedness (well, not really), poking fun at my tremendous height (well, also not really), and providing with more weapons of flirtation (what's with all the flirtation, huh?) was truly an unexpected twist in what was turning out to be a very happy day. Thank you!

Finally, I'd like to thank Jel for that wonderful treat in the Spaghetti Factory! Please never leave me? Please? Haha. Thank you!

Needless to say, I am a happy 22-year-old.

(I'm sorry for that morbid image involving lunatics in caged cells-- I have no intention of being locked up during the next few decades, so there is no need to worry.)

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Post-Birthday Melancholy

In my vulnerability, I am light, and in my lightness, I am free.

Melancholy is a state of being that strikes me often, hard, and unexpectedly. When I get melancholic, I feel like I'm floating in limbo, at peace with myself and everyone, and yet-- and yet there's something amiss. There's something lacking about something that which I truly do not understand. I cannot pinpoint the exact reason for this melancholy. It just is.

I am melancholic right now. By definition, I do not know why. It does not distract me from work, thankfully. It's one of the better things that this state of being sends my way. I become productive in this state: I study better, I work faster, I think in clearer terms. It feels as if all my defenses-- heavy, clunky, and definitely not worth the weight-- have been put down. In my vulnerability, I am light, and in my lightness, I am free.

I am free. And yet I am not free.

Everything about this is a paradox. I am free because I feel light. But if I were truly free, then melancholy wouldn't make me feel as though I'm missing something. This nagging yet mercifully distant voice weighs me down. And if something is pulling me down, then I cannot soar, and therefore I am not free. And yet I am.

If anyone can make any sense of what I just wrote, tell me. I've been searching for answers since time immemorial, and have found none as yet. Consider this your share in promoting world peace.

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August 13

Happy birthday to me!

This is going to be very short: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

[Added 12:23 AM.] My birthday's over. I'm officially starting life as a 22 year old. I don't know what awaits me out there, but I'm sure it's going to be exciting. Friends, get ready for another dose of the Dark-Skinned King!

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Secrets

Quid quid latet adparebit nil inultum remanebit.

Quid quid latet adparebit nil inultum remanebit.

No one can keep their secrets for so long. We will all be found out. We will all be discovered. But even if this were true, people are entitled to their secrets in the same way that they are entitled to keeping their dignity intact. It is just a matter of self-preservation in a world that can be harsh. In a world that can be unforgiving. In a world that will not understand.

It's just a matter of survival.

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Flowers

Roses are red, sunflowers are yellow. Sugar is sweet, and so is Jell-O.

Roses are red, sunflowers are yellow. Sugar is sweet, and so is Jell-O.

It's embarrassing to admit it, but what the heck: sunflowers are my favorite flowers. I just discovered this recently, during one of my trips to Katipunan for my then weekly SOA study sessions. Usually, I would take the MRT-LRT route; it's faster and it's cheaper. On some occasions, though, when I'm feeling melancholic, when I feel like riding on the coattails of the wind (a little melodramatic there, hee), I take the MRT-jeepney-jeepney route. The first jeepney ride drives me to UP, where I ride the second jeepney that drives me to Katipunan. It was during the first jeepney ride when I first saw those grand sunflowers, yellow as the brightest sunshine, planted in the islands lined up all the way to UP.

Everything about them captured my attention. The flowers filled me with both fascination and awe. First of all-- man, they were huge! I've always thought of sunflowers as little living creatures that little girls place in their little baskets to toss around like confetti. I was wrong. Even the black center of each flower was colossal enough to swallow me whole. Perhaps that is partly why I'm so in awe of them: sunflowers can-- and given the chance, will-- dominate me. Nonetheless, the mathematical precision of its existence and the simplicity of its beauty all give me reason to allow myself to succumb to its domination.

Roses are another story. If sunflowers fascinate and awe me, roses profoundly touch me. But it hasn't always been this way. As a matter of fact, I have never been fond of roses before. I couldn't understand what was so beautiful about these thorny flowers. I came to the conclusion, then, that roses are not beautiful by themselves; commercialism has made it so.

But people change their minds, especially when the right event or opportunity to do so come along. And I have changed mine. A memory has been attached. A stigma has been created. Roses are now very special to me. I've said earlier that they touch me, but I take that back. They don't touch me, they pierce me, like the thorns in which they are showered.

Roses are red for they bleed. For you. For me.

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4

Words cannot express it enough: for this, I am grateful.

He never let go. He never shrugged. Atlas may have shifted the world from one shoulder to another, but he never thought of smashing the world beneath his mighty feet.

Because of this, I remain capable of loving.

Because of this, I remain human.

Words cannot express it enough: four this, I am grateful.

Fourever.

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