To Be a Better Man

I am a changed man, and I am not liking it.

I have had a hard time writing this entry. There's a point I want to say, but I just can't figure out how to do it. Then I realize I'm just trying to be grammatical and coherent again. There's really no need to create a "perfect" intro to this one. It's just as simple as this:

I am a changed man, and I am not liking it.


I am not liking the way I look at myself, the way I think of other people, the way I treat my friends and loved ones, the way I handle my problems, the way I cope with really difficult situations, the way I deal with the past, the way I approach life in general. This is not me 9 years ago. This is not me 6 years ago. Heck, this isn't even me 2 years ago.

But then, the human spirit is a resilient force. There comes a point when it gets tired of all the drama, the envy, and the pain. It learns to withstand further stress. It learns to adapt. It learns to compromise. And I am in that situation right now. I am negotiating with myself to make myself a better man. With the help of those who love me, care for me, and believe in me, I am going to get there. Like an angel with wings spread wide, I am going to soar on greater heights, in higher flight.

I am going to get there.

And with that, I'm back.

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Almost There

...almost there.

Hey, you.

You're almost there. The first part is done and over with, and I'm happy about how things turned out. Thank you for doing what you've done. It meant a lot to me. Now, the second part is an easy one. It's all about the setting. It's all about the timing. It's all about the mood.

But I'm sure you have this covered by now, right? :)

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One Final Thought for the Night

*sigh*

Hay, buhay.

That is all. Bow.

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Year-End Series: Things I Want to Say to People

Year-End Series

Joey is famous for this, but what the heck, I'm going to be a copycat. The rules remain the same: below are thirteen heartfelt messages I want to say to people. I won't disclose who I'm addressing these messages to, and I won't disclose how many people are actually involved (that is, it's not necessarily one-to-one). You'll just need to figure it all out. :)


1. I don't like you that much. I feel like this space is better reserved for someone I do like, but I just have to release this venom out. Perhaps it's the condescension. Perhaps it's that fucking knowing look you have, feeling like you have something on me. Well guess what? You don't.

2. You're unique in the sense that, among all of you, you are the only one who knows. And I'm not really surprised at the way you took care of me when I was at my lowest low. You used your words. Given your power of eloquent speech, you moved me to move on. You gave me the impression that you understood. You empathized with me. For that, and for so much more, I thank you. I'm glad that you're my confidant.

3. I have mixed emotions about you. Until now, I still don't understand what it is that I truly feel. So many things have happened since we met: there was a point when I wanted to hate you, but I couldn't. There was a point when I wanted to love you, but I wouldn't. You have made things certainly more complicated. For better or for worse, I don't know. Given the way my life is going, it seems like it's for worse. But let's see in 2007. Things may change.

4. That previous entry about UPR's? I was thinking of you (and one other person) when I wrote that. If you recall, you responded to my plea of help. I should have known you are the type of person who would do things like that to your friends. You don't know how happy I was when I got to receive your messages. And you did it not only once, but twice, using different means. Rock on, my friend. Continue making a difference in people's lives.

5. I know I've written this somewhere before. My feelings about you are as tumultuous as a roaring river, and as twisted as a roller coaster. From adoration, I moved to nervousness, then to dislike, then to downright hate, then to dislike, then to "love", then to nonchalance, then to dislike, then back to nonchalance, and now... I might actually be starting to warm up again! Amazing. We might actually become friends again!

6. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve every bad thing you've experienced from me.

7. There are moments when I think that you're an unappreciative brat. But one look at the written word and I realize that maybe there's more to this "ingratitude" than meets the eye. I shouldn't be too quick to judge. Now I understand that you really do care about what we have done for you. It's a good thing my perception has changed, because I don't want to add to the misery you're currently experiencing. I'm just here if you need me, like always. Again, I'm sorry for reading too much into your indifference.

8. Office life wouldn't be the same without you. This is true in every sense. Thank you for being there for me; I appreciate the friendship. I'm sorry if I entered your life in ways that modified it to great lengths. I mean this apology, and I hope you accept it.

9. When asked what it was I thought about you, I gave a response that surprised you. I'm sure you know what I said then was true. I myself could testify to the lengths you would take to make a friend feel special. And I have been a recipient of your well-intentioned efforts. Thank you for welcoming me. Thank you for making me feel I belong. (By the way, you're the other person I thought of when I wrote the UPR entry below.)

10. At last! That is all I can say. At last! Here's to a love-laden and love-filled 2007!

11. You suck. Haha. Well, not really. Well, maybe. You suck. I don't know what it is about you that caught my attention in the first place. Admittedly, you're cute, and you're quite charming, but those shouldn't have been enough for you to affect me like that. I know you didn't lead me on, but still... couldn't you be more direct about it? I'm glad that phase of my life is over. It lasted much longer than it should. Nyakers.

12. Your concern for others is quite amazing. I can't fathom how someone could be so dedicated in helping others. But I'm not one to complain. Without you, I would have long been discovered as the dumbass I really am. With you, I have learned to grow as a person, in more ways than the professional one. There are a lot of things I still want to say about you, but I limited it to the most impressive one. The rest can be seen in your Friendster testimonial, which is soon to follow.

13. Last but not the least. Definitely not the least. You know I've always mentioned how difficult it is to write something about you. You now might think differently, given that I have actually written something about you, but the truth still stands: it's hard to describe someone who has been perfect in almost every way. How can I justify how kind, how caring, how thoughtful you have been... how selfless you remain until now? I simply cannot. Let me then just say: Thank you. I'm so lucky to have met you. I'm looking forward to many more years of friendship. :)

Thank goodness, the messages are done! That took some time. Hee. Please feel free to speculate on who these people are. It would take a very brilliant mind (or someone very, very close to me) to figure out all 13. Don't send me any messages asking who number 6 is or if you're on the list. Rules are rules, people.

Next up in the Year-End Series: The Year 2006 in Review.

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Somebody Save Me

I need to let something out.

I don't usually post lyrics of songs, but this is needed. I need to let something out.

I feel my wings have broken in your hands
I feel the words unspoken inside

When they pull you under
And I would give you anything you want
Well all I wanted
All my dreams have fallen down
Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I've been waiting for you

I see the world has folded in your heart
I feel the waves crash down inside

And they pull me under
I would give you anything you want
Well all I wanted
And all my dreams have fallen down
Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I've been waiting for you

And all my dreams are on the ground

Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just save me

I've made this whole world shine for
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I'm still waiting for you

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JSA

...but when it came, I felt... used.

I expected this, and even wished for it, but when it came, I felt disappointed. And empty. And used.

Maybe I didn't wish for it, after all.

Maybe I can't live life the way I have planned it.

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Secrets

Quid quid latet adparebit nil inultum remanebit.

Quid quid latet adparebit nil inultum remanebit.

No one can keep their secrets for so long. We will all be found out. We will all be discovered. But even if this were true, people are entitled to their secrets in the same way that they are entitled to keeping their dignity intact. It is just a matter of self-preservation in a world that can be harsh. In a world that can be unforgiving. In a world that will not understand.

It's just a matter of survival.

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A Different Kind of Person

...none of [this person's] beliefs repulsed me or pushed me away.

It's rare to find someone who has a different point-of-view as you have and yet not feel "different" towards that person. It's so rare, in fact, that I have only met one such person. Only one.

Let me put it this way. Consider someone you know who has a different ethnic background as you have, and therefore has a different set of beliefs. At some point during one of your conversations, that person says something that is contrary to your principles-- so utterly opposite, in fact, that all your heightened senses start picking up the same thing: a bloodbath is going to happen any second now. Well, maybe not a bloodbath-- a momentary heated exchange of words, perhaps, or a long-lasting cold shoulder-- just something that defines the radical change of perception you just had for that person.

That, I believe, is the natural course of things. To disassociate yourself with people who have a clearly defined set of beliefs different from yours.

With this singular, unique person, however, I found myself responding to no such natural urge. Whatever this person's beliefs were, none of them ever repulsed me or pushed me away. Of course, I was saddened by this difference, by this discrepancy, but none of what I felt would change things, anyway. In the end, this person's personality had already won me over; the affinity was already established even before the fateful words were said.

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