Karmic Retribution

...two days ago, I would have written this.

[Note: If not for the technical problems our computer faced two days ago, I would have written this. The tone of the entry does not necessarily reflect how I'm feeling now, but it sure as hell reflects how I felt two days ago.]

In Grade 4, during a class meeting, our president asked if there were issues or concerns that needed to be addressed by the class during that time. One of the members of the group I led raised her hand and told the class, "I think Kerwin is an irresponsible leader." She saved herself the trouble of sugarcoating her words. I cried in front of everyone.

In Grade 5, I experienced another issue with responsibility. Two of my groupmates drew faces and wrote "Kailan tayo pa-practice ng ating sayaw? Boo! Nye nye nye nye nye!" on my intermediate pad paper. They did this while I was away, so I did not know it was them until they told me much, much later. I cried upon seeing the anonymous messages. I was once again the elected leader of that group.

In Grade 6, I lost the P500 my parents gave me as payment for the required grade school yearbook. Knowing I would be asked about it, I stole P500 pesos from our sari-sari store just so that I would be able to present something. I was indeed asked, but I was also found out when my uncle discovered the original money inadvertently thrown in the garbage bin. My father made me vow never to do it again, with my right hand raised and my left hand pressed against the Bible, appearing as though I was a witness on the court stand. That same year, I spent the P500 playing PlayStation with my friends.

In Grade 6, one of my friends shouted at me that she did not need me in her life.

In the summer of 2000, before entering my 4th year in high school, I joined the AJSS, held here in Manila. I thoroughly enjoyed it, but in the course of that stay, I managed to alienate my friends back in Davao. Three of them were pissed at me, and another two were slightly pissed because the others were pissed. One of them came back from her trip in Italy without buying me any pasalubong, because she was pissed. When the air cleared and we were able to talk about what happened, they were pissed because I ignored them, and apparently I came across like an arrogant jerk. Pissable, indeed.

In 4th year high school, my girl best friend waged a 6-month silent war against me, the onset of which was marked by an eloquently written but nonetheless painful e-mail with the subject of: "You Are Such a Jerk." That same year, another best friend wrote me a Post-It note saying, "I don't think I can talk to you right now."

Before entering college, one of my closest guy friends told me something so heartfelt and so personal about himself that I knew he needed all the support he could get at that critical juncture in his life. I chose to stay away instead.

In 2nd year college, one of my closest friends told me that I had betrayed her. Our friendship ended at that point. That same night, someone who's been nothing but kind to me told me that I had betrayed him.

In 4th year college, I betrayed someone special again.

In my 1st year of work, during one of my infrequent vacations, my parents told me that they had the impression that I had no concern for them or for my brothers.

In my 2nd year of work, one of my officemates, perhaps the one I was closest with, got mad because she felt I did not have enough time for them. That I failed to reach out as actively as I could have. I cried once again.

And now, this.

Could four different periods in my life be wrong?

I am not a good son.
I am not a good brother.
I am not a good friend.
I am not a good lover.

Stay away from me. I will just hurt you.