Random Ramblings from the King

I'm going back to work tomorrow.

I'm going back to work tomorrow (or today, it's already 2 AM, but whatever). It's been a fun 6 days' worth of vacation. I just hope I've learned my lessons, whatever these lessons may be.

I'm just babbling here, but please let me. I'm in that melancholic mood again. Everyone's asleep already, so I'm just here, hanging around. I'm about to sleep in awhile. Maybe that's why I'm just randomly writing. I'm making myself sleep.

This is such a pointless post. I can't even say what I have to say.

Like I said to my friend, AA, it's amazing what life throws at you. Curve balls! Or maybe boomerangs. Haha. AA, let's talk! Let's talk talk. I have a lot of things to share. Maybe you can be my psychiatrist or something.

I'm going to work tomorrow. I'm going to work tomorrow. I'm going to work tomorrow.


In every cloud, there is a silver lining
That shines at each arc
That sparkles at each curve
That scintillates at every angle

It shields us from nightmares
And guards our thoughts
So we may not be lost in them
So we may not be caught in them

Of its end and of its beginning
We know not, we see not--
And we do not care
As long as the lining is there

Ah, what mythical god
Held the world on his shoulders
And saw those clouds fly past
In silver flight?

What did he say when he was no stronger?
When he was no brighter?
"I must move faster, soar higher!
I must reach those sparkling lights."

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First Entry with Picture

I wonder how this looks like.

I just wanted to see how an entry would look like with a picture in it. Pictures are such interesting things, no?



In case you're wondering, this is a picture of my study clutter.

ETA: It doesn't look bad, after all. I've been avoiding placing pictures in my entries because I thought it would destroy my magazine-type lay-out, but whatdyaknow? It enhances it just fine. I guess this means more pictures in the future, eh?

E once more TA: Now that I've finished being astounded by the effect of pictures on an entry, I am now going to close the Internet Explorer and make my way to McDo, where I am going to continue studying for my actuarial exam. Ha! Haven't written that in ages!

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Thoughts on American Idol: Who's Your Daddy?

What's your name? Who's your daddy?

There are only a few shows that I get to watch religiously these days, given my studies and my work, both of which take so much of my entertainment time. "Few," in fact, would already be a vast exaggeration, as I fervently watch only 2: American Idol 6 and The Amazing Race All-Stars. These two programs have me in their grip. I cannot miss an episode, I cannot wait days to watch the replay, and most especially, I CANNOT BE SPOILERED. So if you guys are planning to send me a text message that contains who got booted out or who eventually won the race, please don't. If you do, I will personally reach into your gut and pull out your colon.


*fans hands towards face* HUH. Now that that's out of the way, here are my thoughts on this year's remaining contestants on American Idol. (Order matters, by the way. Personal faves are on top; hellraisers, bottom.)

1. Blake. My man Blake is my bet to win it all. While he may not be the best vocally, he is the person to beat in terms of charisma and style. He is such an appealing singer. He delivers something new week after week after week. After seasons of having winners that looked like they came from the same cookie jar (Fantasia excluded, but God, I really didn't like her), I'm now ready to root for someone different, someone preppy, someone contemporary. Blake, do me proud!

2. Melinda. Vocals: Unique. Controlled. Flawless. Technically, she is perfect in every way. The good thing about it is that she's not holding back; she really lets it loose during crunch time. This is truly an American Idol in the making. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if I want a big-voiced black girl to win this one. I guess I'm just waiting for that one jawdropping performance from her (think Katharine McPhee's Somewhere Over the Rainbow). In any case, my bet among all the females.

3. Jordin. Amazing. After all that talk about not being able to like this girl, I'm placing her in third place. I guess, among all the others, she's the next best thing after Blake and Melinda. She's young and she's not old-fashioned. There's also something very refreshing about her when she sings. But then again, she's a big-voiced black girl. I'm really getting tired of all the belting. I know that you tough girls can sing... but what else? I wish she'd do something similar to her Hey Baby performance, but one without the awkward copycatting.

4. Chris R. It's funny how I'm basing my ranking on how different the singer is as compared to the previous American Idol winners. Uniqueness is not everything (vocals also matter, Sanjaya), but it is a big something. Take, for instance, Chris R. While I've grown increasingly irritated by the way his singing sounds when he's picking the wrong type of song, I know that, given the proper song choices, he's going to make it big. He can easily be packaged as a pop star, for one, and with the Justin Timberlake resemblance, it's definitely hard to miss.

5. Haley. Give me naughty, baby! =) With this girl, it's definitely all about the packaging. If she keeps up with the Britney-esque moves and the better-than-Britney-esque vocals, I might just root for her more than Chris R!

6. Lakisha. Among the three big-voiced black girls remaining in the competition, she's the one that least appeals to me. There's nothing quite special about her, except that she has excellent range and almost-perfect vocals. After that fact... eh. Nothing else. I mean, why can't we have a big-voiced white girl in the show for once, someone like Christina Aguilera? Or a small-voiced black girl, someone like Beyonce?

7. Phil. He lacks charisma. He has very good vocals, better than Blake even, but in this show, good vocals are just not good enough. You have to be sellable and unique. Unfortunately, Phil is neither of these two.

8. Sanjaya. I'm not yet at the point where I'm throwing furniture at my television just because he's still there. Why? Because I saw Clay's season. In that season, there is a girl named Carmen Rasmussen who is even worse off in singing than Sanjaya. She's like a goat, for crying out loud, and she made it all the way to Top 6. So basically, she's my benchmark for singers who shouldn't be in the Top 12 in the first place. Once Sanjaya breaches the Top 6 mark, the computer chair will be the first to go.

That's it for now. Thoughts on The Amazing Race, next!

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How Well Do You Know Me?

Let's play a game...

Since the post before this is one about self-rediscovery, I want you guys to play a little Kerwin self-rediscovery game for me. This game tests how well you know me. All you need to do is to choose from the five choices listed under each question. There are 10 questions all in all, so please don't go through the answers if you haven't responded to all 10 yet.

Now, I've tried my best not to include questions that only people from a certain era in my life would know. However, this type of question may have easily slipped in. So if you get a low score, please don't blame yourself, blame me for asking the wrong questions. Hee.

So, everyone ready? Grab a pencil and a sheet of paper and let's begin! =)

1. Imagine Kerwin studying for his actuarial exam in Starbucks, hunched over his notes with a look of extreme concentration on his face. Which among the following will be the most successful in tearing his attention away from his review?

a an offer of ham and cheese croissant + venti-sized mocha frappe, all for free
b his phone ringing, Papa calling
c a lively discussion on why Heroes V is the best turn-based game EVAH
d spoiler news that his favorites in the Amazing Race have been eliminated
e what? nothing can take Kerwin away from a mathematics review

2. Kerwin's getting ready to order in Jollibee. Given that he hasn't started his diet yet, what would most likely be the food that he's going to say to the Jollibee counter person?

a YumBurger Mushroom & Cheese, large fries, large Coke
b 2-piece Burger Steak, dalandan juice, extra rice
c large Arroz Cubana Value Meal, large Coke
d Regular ChickenJoy, regular Coke, Swirly Bitz
e Spicy ChickenJoy, large Coke, Pizzamelt Pie

3. Which of the following discussion groups is Kerwin most likely to be actively participating in?

a Stephen King
b life on other planets
c the debate on evolution vs. creation
d Harry Potter
e ABS-CBN shows

4. Aside from Mathematics, what other subject in college interested Kerwin greatly?

a Biology
b Literature/English
c History
d Filipino
e Theology and Philosophy

5. Kerwin is going out with his friends to watch a movie. One friend suggests that they eat at a restaurant first, then go to the movie. Another friend suggests seeing the movie first, then eating after. Three questions: what would Kerwin do, what restaurant will he want to eat in, and what movie will he want to see?

a movie, then restaurant; movie: Titanic; restaurant: Tokyo Tokyo
b restaurant, then movie; movie: Saw III; restaurant: Chef 'd Angelo
c movie, then restaurant; movie: Fast and the Furious; restaurant: the mall's food court
d restaurant, then movie; movie: Babel; restaurant: Kamayan
e movie, then restaurant; movie: White Chicks; restaurant: Jollibee

6. Kerwin gets his bonus. What would be the first thing that he's going to do?

a shop for clothes and shoes
b remit some money to his parents
c buy some accessories for the computer
d pay the debts
e eat at a favorite restaurant with friends

7. What event in Kerwin's academic life disappointed him the most?

a not being able to place in the team division of the Philippine Math Olympiad
b not being able to graduate Salutatorian in high school
c not being able to pass the interview for a scholarship in Singapore
d not being able to write a thesis during his fourth year in college
e not being able to graduate Cum Laude in college

8. Kerwin can sometimes be unpredictable in what he wants to do, and what he is able to do. Which of the following activities will Kerwin want to probably engage in?

a bungee jumping
b skydiving
c white water rafting
d rock climbing
e ramp skateboarding

9. Kerwin is a pretty irritable person. Which of the following people will get him worked up easily?

a the obnoxious guy who couldn't stop talking bragging about himself
b the bitchy girl who would constantly ignore him
c the bully who would torment him with little acts of torture
d the freak who wouldn't stop hinting at and insinuating "facts" about Kerwin
e the friend who would use every passive-aggressive tactic to make him feel bad about himself

10. This one's pretty easy. Which of the following events NEVER happened to Kerwin?

a His father sent a love letter Kerwin wrote in high school to the Youngblood column of Inquirer.
b His brother analyzed him without his knowledge for his paper in Psychology.
c His furious mother chased him around the neighborhood with a broom in her hands.
d His father made him swear never to lie again with his right palm on the Bible, just like a witness taking oath on the stand.
e His mother accidentally poured hot oil on his thigh when he was still in grade school.

Okay, you're done! Click on the link below to see your scores for each question.



1. a = 5, b = 8, c = 10, d = 4, e = 0
2. a = 6 b = 4 c = 0, d = 8 e = 10
3. a = 9, b = 8, c = 6, d = 1, e = 10
4. a = -5, b = 9, c = 3, d = 0, e = 10
5. a = 7, b = 10, c = 0, d = 4, e = 6
6. a = 7, b = 8, c = 6, d = 10, e = 4
7. a = 1, b = 7, c = 10, d = 0, e = 5
8. a = 10, b = 7, c = 2, d = 1, e = 0
9. a = 2, b = 3, c = 6, d = 10, e = 9
10. a = 0, b = 0, c = 0, d = 0, e = 10

Add them all up, and see how you do! =) A score of 70 and above should indicate that you, dear friend, really do know me! (Or you're just really good at guessing.) Like I said, a low score shouldn't be indicative of something negative. In any case, thanks for participating, and scores in the comments, please!

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To Be a Better Man

I am a changed man, and I am not liking it.

I have had a hard time writing this entry. There's a point I want to say, but I just can't figure out how to do it. Then I realize I'm just trying to be grammatical and coherent again. There's really no need to create a "perfect" intro to this one. It's just as simple as this:

I am a changed man, and I am not liking it.


I am not liking the way I look at myself, the way I think of other people, the way I treat my friends and loved ones, the way I handle my problems, the way I cope with really difficult situations, the way I deal with the past, the way I approach life in general. This is not me 9 years ago. This is not me 6 years ago. Heck, this isn't even me 2 years ago.

But then, the human spirit is a resilient force. There comes a point when it gets tired of all the drama, the envy, and the pain. It learns to withstand further stress. It learns to adapt. It learns to compromise. And I am in that situation right now. I am negotiating with myself to make myself a better man. With the help of those who love me, care for me, and believe in me, I am going to get there. Like an angel with wings spread wide, I am going to soar on greater heights, in higher flight.

I am going to get there.

And with that, I'm back.

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All Good Things Must Come to An End

22

All good things must come to an end.

And of all days... today.

I'm not sure how to proceed.

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Almost There

...almost there.

Hey, you.

You're almost there. The first part is done and over with, and I'm happy about how things turned out. Thank you for doing what you've done. It meant a lot to me. Now, the second part is an easy one. It's all about the setting. It's all about the timing. It's all about the mood.

But I'm sure you have this covered by now, right? :)

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The Start of All Things Happy

2007 is shaping up to be one of my favorite years ever.

2007 is shaping up to be one of my favorite years ever. I don't know if this is just an illusion, given how much my 2006 sucked, but I would like to believe that this year is awesome as it is.


Seemingly proving my point, I received two awesome news this morning. The first news involved my brother, Kenneth. One of the reasons why Kenneth visited me this holiday break instead of me going back home to celebrate Christmas with them was because my parents wanted me to introduce Kenneth to Manila culture. Kenneth is soon to become a college freshman here in Manila, and given his "innocence" (nyakers), we wanted, as much as possible, to make his transition from Davao to Manila life as less stressful as possible. Of course, all these preparations would be for naught if Kenneth didn't pass the Ateneo or UP entrance exams. Well, guess what? The ACET results are in, and my brother passed. Yebah! Never had I doubted Kenneth's chances, but still, it's nice to see the "ACCEPTED" mark written beside his name. Wee!

The second piece of awesome news involved one of my wish list items. One of my earlier entries below had this written: And en route from the United States (I'm getting ahead of myself here, writing down what has not yet happened, but what the heck, I'm going to risk disappointment anyway) is my red iPod Nano! Again, guess what? Brian didn't disappoint. Brian soared above all expectations. My new iPod Nano is indeed on its way from New York City, and it's bound to arrive here in Manila by Wednesday or Thursday this week. Whew! Talk about having a blast! I'm so excited to see this beautiful gadget!

Life can be truly amazing sometimes. After beating me black and blue last year, it's now bringing me sunflowers in wooden little baskets, and making me ride the pink unicorns for free!

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A Post About Sports? What?

Sweat. Aching arms. Exhaustion and tiredness.

I'm too tired to write a long post, but I just want to say this: I just played badminton and JOGGED. For real. Sweat. Aching arms. Exhaustion and tiredness. I have more thoughts, but my body is screaming for me to get out of the MOTHERF-ING CHAIR AND TAKE THIS POOR LITTLE PIECE OF MEAT BACK ON THE BED WHERE IT BELONGS.

I'm not going to be able to work tomorrow. I can feel it.

Pity the fool.

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One Final Thought for the Night

*sigh*

Hay, buhay.

That is all. Bow.

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Material Boy

...after 21 expensive cups of coffee, I have reached the end...

Look at my wish list at the left side of this blog! One of the wishes written there has "wee!" written beside it. This means that the item is already in my possession! WEE! I'm so glad I've finally managed to complete my Starbucks Sticker Sheet. I failed to complete it last year, and it quite saddened me. This year, however, after 21 expensive cups of coffee, I have reached the end of the road! And I just love the awesome leather-bound piece of work! This is just a great way to start the new year. (I would like to thank Kenneth, Chris, Joanne, and Adam for contributing to the completion of this seemingly impossible task. I'm sure Toj would disagree, the crazy girl [lagot ka kay Kenneth-- the other Kenneth] 4 stickers away from her third planner.)

And en route from the United States (I'm getting ahead of myself here, writing down what has not yet happened, but what the heck, I'm going to risk disappointment anyway) is my red iPod Nano! I already learned how to send money to Brian in the states (Western Union rocks!), so it's only a matter of time before the amazing gadget gets here. Thanks Brian! You're the best, pal!

And in other money-down-the-drain news, I bought a Girbaud wallet. I was buying Christmas gifts for my family-- wait... there's a cockroach, I can't type yet. [few moments later] God, I just hate those nasty little critters. Anyway, just like I said, I was buying Christmas gifts for my family. Next on my shopping list was my older brother, who wanted a Girbaud wallet. I found it quite easily, but then I got distracted by how appealing their wallets looked. I was successfully enticed by the "quality" of the products, needless to say. And the discounted prices only fueled my desire to have one of those fine thingies. In the end, I bought two. My only consolation right now is that 1) the wallet is just a wonder to behold; and 2) it was on sale. Haha. Excuses, excuses.

Now I'm poor. Huhuhu! Dell's forever!

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Three Kings

...it's not just a coincidence, but something more.

It's amazing. I'm inclined to believe that it's not just a coincidence, but something more. But I'm also doubtful if my father actually thought of all these. The gap between the ages is just too far apart, and besides, I've been told that my godmother gave my father my name. Anyway, before anyone starts complaining they're beginning to feel out of place, here's what happened.

I was doing one of my year-end entries for my blog when my brother Kenneth mentioned that his name, Roy, actually also meant "king." I didn't believe him. Ray, from the Spanish "rey," meant "king." But he insisted. So we went to this site, and we found out, unsurprisingly, that Ray does mean "kingly" or "royal," but then we also discovered (to Kenneth's glee) that Roy does mean "king"! Amazing. We then joked that our older brother's name, Ryan, could not possibly mean "king," but what do you know? Ryan means "little king"! My brother and I stared at each other and laughed our asses off. Who would have thunk it? We couldn't believe that our parents actually meant for that to happen, so we just chalked it up to coincidence. It's just utterly surreal, though. Until now, I keep telling those who are willing to listen how great this discovery is. And it only took us 15 years to find out.

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Year-End Series: Plans, Plans, Plans

Year-End Series

Now, we've come to the last part of my Year-End Series. After describing some of my pet peeves and pet loves; after revealing both thankful and tactless thoughts on the most prominent people in my life during 2006; and after providing a short but comprehensive summary of the year that was, it's now time to disclose what my plans for the future are. I'll try to be specific as possible, and I'll try to write down resolutions for each aspect of my life. Here they are:


Work:

1. Never work on a Sunday again. It's only fun when you're in the company of friends. Even then, there's that nagging feeling that you guys shouldn't be having fun in the midst of work: you guys should be having fun outside it.

2. Avoid coming in on a Saturday. There are ways of not having to work on weekends, I'm pretty sure. And I'm also pretty sure that I haven't done all of these ways.

3. Be home by 8 PM. I'm not saying that I should leave the office by 8-- I should be home by 8. This means that I should be out of the office by 6 to 7. I will only stay longer if 1) there's a project that needs to be rushed, and 2) this project cannot be done at home. Like I said, there are ways of not having to extend my stay in the office.

4. Reduce chatting time. I have reason to believe that the chatroom is where much of my lost productivity goes. Cutting down on the virtual talk can very well be the key in accomplishing more during the 8 hours allotted to work.

5. Speed up on the studies. Slack not, human! Think faster, but also think better. This is the hardest part to change about work, but I will try. I will really try.

Lifestyle:

1. Eat less. Continue with the fish and seafood "diet". I have accomplished much in 2006 when I cut down my rice intake from 2 cups to 1. Unfortunately, what I lost in rice I gained in everything else. Haha. Now that I know the eating ways of the Actuarial Division, I would adapt accordingly.

2. Find a physical activity to engage in. Chris suggests badminton with Paul. Despite my limited motor skills, I can do that, I think. Jogging (like what Jel has started to do) is difficult, given my 830 schedule. Getting a gym pass will only be worth it if someone tags along. I wouldn't want to do all the exercises alone. That would probably be a ticket to embarrassment.

3. Sleep earlier. Now that I'm vowing to go home earlier, I have no excuse to sleep later. If I get my early rest, I then have no excuse of arriving late at work. I then will have ample time to prepare myself psychologically for the rest of the day.

4. Spend less, save more. I'm not sure I can cut down on the money spent on taxis. Oops. I can cut down on food, I think. And on coffee (once I get my Starbucks planner). Hay, this is such a difficult resolution. But like any other resolution, I would have to try.

5. Another reason why Lifestyle resolution #4 is so difficult to achieve. Perhaps I should strike it out now. Haha. Resolution #5: look good. This is simply a vanity thing. Buy better-fitting clothes. Buy clothes! Buy shoes that fit. Buy shoes! Smell good, look good, feel good. Toj has an idea, and perhaps I can adopt it here: risk more. Like what she says in her blog, "Trying new things everyday isn't so bad at all." I concur.

6. Read more about current events. Subscribe to Time or Newsweek or Reader's Digest. I've started this year by reading outside my usual brand of fiction (Stephen King and his posse), and I've found it to be quite satisfying. Especially the nonfiction kind. They say truth is stranger than fiction, and perhaps I can delve into those literary pieces, as well.

Personal Relationships:

1. Be nicer to others. Not in the passive sense, but in the active one. Go out of my way to make people feel better about themselves. I'm not going to plan Any Big Thing, but just little acts of kindness. Like what most self-help books would say, "A Little Deed Goes A Long Way."

2. Be meaner to others. Yes, meaner to others who deserve the meanness. This year, I have no plans of being trampled upon again. I'm sure this is quite difficult, the most difficult one to implement among all my resolutions, primarily because who I am is innate to me. I've grown this personality for 22 years, and a sudden shift to the "dark side" is going to take some time. But whatever. After all I've been through in 2006, I cannot honestly say I haven't changed.

Those are my plans for 2007. Even now, I'm sure I won't be able to accomplish all of them. But optimistic am I. This is for my own good, why shouldn't I attempt to make myself better, right?

Right.

Have a very merry 2007, everyone! :)

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Year-End Series: The Year 2006 in Review

Year-End Series

Let me just say it aloud, right here at the onset: 2006 sucked. But then again, I'm getting ahead of myself, and already generalizing. Here's a short summary of the year, month by month.


January: Received news that I passed Course FM after months of anticipation. I got a 17 over 25 in a test that had 18 as its previous passing mark. I was on the bubble for weeks, and when the results came, I was happy as hell. Started studying for Course M, having heard the future Actuarial Idol's performance on the exam.

Also: my phone got stolen on the 2nd of January. My 5-year old phone, my gift from my high school graduation, the phone I've learned to love, got nabbed by a thief inside our boarding house room. The freaking phone was just beside me on the bed. Tsk tsk. Maybe it was nature's way of saying, "Replace that ancient gadget." In any case, because of the kindness of Joey's mom, I got a new phone, the Sony Walkman 550i, during the last week of January.

February: Weeks of studying at work interrupted when the big guns from Hong Kong arrived. Company projects were given. I was shipped off to PELAC. Transportation became so much less of a burden. Met new friends.

March: Continued secret project in PELAC. First experienced going home beyond 6 PM because of work. Moreover, also first experienced the wonders of vomiting induced by consuming unrealistic amounts of alcohol. The pressure of MAP graduation began to be felt by everyone.

April: I am not sure if anything happened during this month. I studied more for Course M, I guess. Ah, wait. First met Mr. Centeno in a meeting with Ms. Jess, Ms. Avic, and Steve Clark. It then dawned on me that these were my future bosses. I grew more excited about the transference.

May: Everything was set. I was told I would be going to Actuarial. That was happy news. The MA Program was over. That was sad news. We were told about our final destinations: some were happy, some were satisfied, others became depressed. To keep ourselves intact, and to keep our friendship whole, we went to Ange's resthouse in Pililla. Site of the now infamous Jacuzzi. Surely, these were great times. And then, graduation. Sad times once again.

And oh. I took the Course M exam. Difficult. The PAK scores, however, pushed me to be optimistic.

June: Entered Actuarial. It was a wonderful transference, to say the least. I believe, among the 8 of us in MAP, I had the easiest time adjusting to post-MAP depression. Must be the people who were in the department. Several of them were within spitting distance from my age, and a notable few made my first few days very pleasant. Had my first videoke session. Went to Batangas with them on my first week, got drunk, and slept.

Work-wise, I suddenly felt inadequate. My Excel skills, which in MAP I thought were good enough, could not even compare to the rest. I questioned my own ability to learn what others have learned; I became quite insecure. I first became appalled at myself during the time that I accomplished only one bullet point for the day. I shared these insecurities to my other MA friends, and they felt the same way. I felt better, knowing that we were all struggling. It wasn't me, it must be the newness of the jobs.

I became fatter. At the end of the month, I have gained more than ten pounds.

I received my bonus. I invested in PAMI and saved in China Bank.

July: Such an interesting month. And perhaps the month that triggered all the other months that followed.

First worked on a Saturday. I was quite proud of it during that time. I'm sure it was not necessary to work on a Saturday at that point, but I did. Just to test the waters, so to speak.

And speaking of testing the waters... this was the month of knowing. This was the month of discovering. The discoveries were a result of a straightforward question, and a test that eventually paid off. The repercussions were extreme, to say the least, but these could be told another time. The important thing is: it all happened in July.

But wait, there's more! I learned that I passed the Course M exam. Yebah! Unfortunately, due to some pressing deadlines, I was not able to study for Course C right away. What a very bad decision.

But wait, there's more!

There was four.

August: My birthday! I turned 22. I didn't realize it at that time, chalking it up to melancholy, but I was already on the verge of the biggest depression of my entire life. The question playing on my mind right now is this: if I knew in advance what would happen, would I have been able to stop it?

September: Heartbreak. Hardships. Despair. Depression. A temporary reprieve in the form of a vacation. Karmic retribution. Kerwin, interrupted. Kerwin, lost. Bouts of self-pity. Bouts of self-hate. The worst month of my entire life. And I'm not exaggerating.

John Mayer in Comfortable: "Can't remember, what went wrong last September; though I'm sure you'd remind me, if you had to. Our love was, comfortable and... so broken in..."

Green Day in Wake Me Up When September Ends: "The innocent can never last... wake me up, when September ends."

October: The time of recovery. I learned to expand my horizons to include other people. I learned to become more conscious about myself. This, I believe, was the time when I became more vain. If I were to put an exact month on those initial moments of vanity, it would be October.

In other news, I started to fear more about my Course C exam.

November: Took the Course C exam, got a 22, one less than the usual passing mark. And with that, I returned once again to the time when I just finished the Course FM exam. I was on the bubble once again, with weeks of nail-biting anticipation ahead of me. If I pass, then I would be promoted to Actuarial Associate. If I don't pass, then I would have to endure the new exam syllabus, as well as the utter humiliation I would be taking from my own self.

On a more personal note, I learned that some people suck. Just when I was recovering, someone comes along to aggravate the wounds. It's not the person's fault, not really, but I can't help but think that it could all have been avoided. I couldn't believe I almost plunged into depression again!

December: Spent half of this month organizing the Actuarial Christmas party. It ended a little below my expectations, but I think we managed it well.

In other news, this was the month of shocking changes. The most "abrupt" month, if that even makes sense. It bothered me a little, but then I got over it. I learned to accept things as they were, and not make a big fuss over them. To help me achieve this, I adopted the mantra: "Be nice, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." This helped me in feeling happiness I haven't felt for some time. Being good is good.

-------------------------------

As you can see, 2006 was bad, but it wasn't devastatingly bad. I managed to recover from the mid-year crisis I underwent. Of course, the remnants of that time are still with me; I doubt if these embers will ever fade. I'm not one to complain, though. Perhaps it's good that I have these experiences with me, to help me become a better person, to help me become a better man. In the future, I may be able to look at that time in my life and feel, not a stinging sense of regret and sadness, but a refreshing sense of having grown as a person, of having learned from my stupid mistakes.

Here's to a happier 2007! :)

Next up in the Year-End Series: Plans, Plans, Plans.

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Year-End Series: Things I Want to Say to People

Year-End Series

Joey is famous for this, but what the heck, I'm going to be a copycat. The rules remain the same: below are thirteen heartfelt messages I want to say to people. I won't disclose who I'm addressing these messages to, and I won't disclose how many people are actually involved (that is, it's not necessarily one-to-one). You'll just need to figure it all out. :)


1. I don't like you that much. I feel like this space is better reserved for someone I do like, but I just have to release this venom out. Perhaps it's the condescension. Perhaps it's that fucking knowing look you have, feeling like you have something on me. Well guess what? You don't.

2. You're unique in the sense that, among all of you, you are the only one who knows. And I'm not really surprised at the way you took care of me when I was at my lowest low. You used your words. Given your power of eloquent speech, you moved me to move on. You gave me the impression that you understood. You empathized with me. For that, and for so much more, I thank you. I'm glad that you're my confidant.

3. I have mixed emotions about you. Until now, I still don't understand what it is that I truly feel. So many things have happened since we met: there was a point when I wanted to hate you, but I couldn't. There was a point when I wanted to love you, but I wouldn't. You have made things certainly more complicated. For better or for worse, I don't know. Given the way my life is going, it seems like it's for worse. But let's see in 2007. Things may change.

4. That previous entry about UPR's? I was thinking of you (and one other person) when I wrote that. If you recall, you responded to my plea of help. I should have known you are the type of person who would do things like that to your friends. You don't know how happy I was when I got to receive your messages. And you did it not only once, but twice, using different means. Rock on, my friend. Continue making a difference in people's lives.

5. I know I've written this somewhere before. My feelings about you are as tumultuous as a roaring river, and as twisted as a roller coaster. From adoration, I moved to nervousness, then to dislike, then to downright hate, then to dislike, then to "love", then to nonchalance, then to dislike, then back to nonchalance, and now... I might actually be starting to warm up again! Amazing. We might actually become friends again!

6. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve every bad thing you've experienced from me.

7. There are moments when I think that you're an unappreciative brat. But one look at the written word and I realize that maybe there's more to this "ingratitude" than meets the eye. I shouldn't be too quick to judge. Now I understand that you really do care about what we have done for you. It's a good thing my perception has changed, because I don't want to add to the misery you're currently experiencing. I'm just here if you need me, like always. Again, I'm sorry for reading too much into your indifference.

8. Office life wouldn't be the same without you. This is true in every sense. Thank you for being there for me; I appreciate the friendship. I'm sorry if I entered your life in ways that modified it to great lengths. I mean this apology, and I hope you accept it.

9. When asked what it was I thought about you, I gave a response that surprised you. I'm sure you know what I said then was true. I myself could testify to the lengths you would take to make a friend feel special. And I have been a recipient of your well-intentioned efforts. Thank you for welcoming me. Thank you for making me feel I belong. (By the way, you're the other person I thought of when I wrote the UPR entry below.)

10. At last! That is all I can say. At last! Here's to a love-laden and love-filled 2007!

11. You suck. Haha. Well, not really. Well, maybe. You suck. I don't know what it is about you that caught my attention in the first place. Admittedly, you're cute, and you're quite charming, but those shouldn't have been enough for you to affect me like that. I know you didn't lead me on, but still... couldn't you be more direct about it? I'm glad that phase of my life is over. It lasted much longer than it should. Nyakers.

12. Your concern for others is quite amazing. I can't fathom how someone could be so dedicated in helping others. But I'm not one to complain. Without you, I would have long been discovered as the dumbass I really am. With you, I have learned to grow as a person, in more ways than the professional one. There are a lot of things I still want to say about you, but I limited it to the most impressive one. The rest can be seen in your Friendster testimonial, which is soon to follow.

13. Last but not the least. Definitely not the least. You know I've always mentioned how difficult it is to write something about you. You now might think differently, given that I have actually written something about you, but the truth still stands: it's hard to describe someone who has been perfect in almost every way. How can I justify how kind, how caring, how thoughtful you have been... how selfless you remain until now? I simply cannot. Let me then just say: Thank you. I'm so lucky to have met you. I'm looking forward to many more years of friendship. :)

Thank goodness, the messages are done! That took some time. Hee. Please feel free to speculate on who these people are. It would take a very brilliant mind (or someone very, very close to me) to figure out all 13. Don't send me any messages asking who number 6 is or if you're on the list. Rules are rules, people.

Next up in the Year-End Series: The Year 2006 in Review.

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Year-End Series: Good Boy/Mean Boy

Year-End Series

I have decided to write a 4-part series of blog entries to mark the end of the hideous 2006, and the start of what I hope will be a better 2007. To start things off, let me begin with a list of things I loved and hated in two-oh-oh-six, and will probably still love and hate in two-oh-oh-seven.


Pet Peeves

1. People who smoke while walking in public. For some reason, it is only this year that I found this to be extremely annoying. And for some reason, it is only in UN, just after my morning commute, that this happens. Trekking the road from Taft to the office has become quite an obstacle course; in the end, I feel like I haven't showered at all. I suggest a punishment that requires using the offender's face as an ashtray.

2. Commuting. Now that I've mentioned it, it is also in 2006 that I learned to hate commuting. Why, oh why is it so hard to get a decent FX in the morning? Why, oh why is it so hard to get a cab in UN? Why, oh why do I need to squish and grind with other people in the MRT and LRT? (See Hate entry #3 below.) Why, oh why do I feel like taking a shower again when I take the jeep to work? Why, oh why isn't there a direct route from Guadalupe to UN? Why do routes have to stop at Pedro Gil? Can't they drive a little bit farther, like, one station away?

3. People invading my personal bubble. That is, people who bump and grind into me while I'm out there walking in the street or grabbing the poles in the MRT and LRT. I feel slighted everytime someone bumps me while I'm walking. I'm pretty sure it's not intentional, but can't people make a conscious effort to avoid other people? Isn't there what David Hume calls convention? Hay. Back off, people! Back off!

4. Being late. This may come as a surprise, but I hate being late. It absolutely wrecks the beginning of my day when I come in late. I am a firm believer of psychological readiness, and everytime I'm tardy, I just entirely miss preparing myself for the day ahead. Result? Grumpiness that lasts the whole morning. The weird thing about all this is that, back when I was still an MA, I had no problems with tardiness. Hmmm...

5. One-line text messages. Haha. This is a minor pet peeve that has the ability to grow into a major irritation. Please try to squeeze in more words in your messages. Please don't be satisfied with a one-line-- or worse, one-word-- SMS. First, it makes me feel as though you haven't put too much thought in composing. Second, it makes me feel as though I'm not worth the extra words. Third, sayang ang piso mo, dude. And while you're at it, please add a smiley, just so I know you're not mad at me. I'm paranoid that way.


Whew. That was easier than I thought. Now, for the hard part:

Pet Loves

1. Getting in a Crosswind FX or a cab with leather seats. At rare times like these, I feel like the world is at peace with me again. I just love the feeling of being able to ride such a wonderful and fabulous public utility vehicle. Never mind the traffic-- in the first place, it has never been a pet peeve, and in the second place, what's there to worry when you're having such a luxurious ride? Better prolong the bliss, right?

2. Chris and Nicole. And, to a lesser extent, DJ Mo. The radio programs of these two sets of personalities never fail to intrigue me or bring a smile to my face. Jologs na kung jologs. We have to take happiness whenever we can find it, no matter how embarrassing. More power to Christsuper, Nicolegiala, and the Forbidden Questions of DJ Mo! Here's to another year of suppressed laughter and surprise.

3. Unsolicited Positive Reinforcement. UPR, for short; morale boosters, in other words. By definition, UPR's are unexpected kind or encouraging words received by someone from his friends, acquaintances, or even total strangers. No matter what the intention of the sender, the effect must be the same: a sudden boost of happiness, a sudden jolt in life. Given this, it's not surprising to know how much I love these UPR's. There's nothing like an unexpected text message or Friendster testimonial to really make my day.

4. Terms of endearment. Aben, Abs, Bansy, Boks, Kelwin, Ker, Kerwinette, Kerwit, Wing, Wing-Wing. It's not called terms of "endearment" for nothing. These words silently say to me: "I like you, and I'm letting you know. I just don't want to be too obvious about it." Of course, I might be too presumptuous. At the very least, calling me by these names tells me that you still respect me enough to address me by my real identity. (Hee. It's so hard justifying such a shallow source of momentary glee.)

5. Getting that perfect picture. I'm in a quest to find the perfect picture angle. More often than not, I fail to achieve this. It's quite "fulfilling," however, when I feel like I've got it, when I feel that the picture captured one of my handsome moments. Like I said in my Friendster account, 2006 is my year for vanity, so I'm more conscious about these things. And it's nice to receive affirmation.

I'll stop now before people start throwing tomatoes at me. Hee.

Next up in the Year-End Series: Things I Want to Say to People.

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Revamp

It seems auspicious, somehow.

Frequent readers of this blog, viewers of my Multiply, and stalkers in Friendster will surely recognize that I have revamped almost everything about these sites. The reason for these changes is simple: it's a new year, and I want to greet it with a new interface. It just seems auspicious, somehow.

The more observant ones will notice that there is a running theme in all three web sites: the earth colors. I have adopted a color scheme that I find to be pleasant to the eyes. Before the sudden emergence of my need to expand on my clothing options (in other words, before vanity), my shirts were almost always earthy in color. They were plain and safe more often than not.

That time of safety in fashion is long gone now, but the pleasantness of the earth hues remains. Other than that, this was the only template in Blogger that I found to be reasonably attractive, so when I adopted it, I decided to use the colors present in the template to my other sites. And so we now have a running theme.

And so we now have a major revamp. Enjoy!

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An Open Letter of Death

This is NOT a suicide note.

Disclaimer: This is NOT a suicide note.

Given the way things are going, I think someone out there wants me dead.

I'm serious. Maybe when a certain somebody texted, "magpapakamatay na niyan si ker," she was right. Not for the reasons she might be thinking, oh no. I've already written a post about that, and I wouldn't go as far as killing myself for it. Quite the opposite, in fact. I have no intention of hanging myself on a noose just because of someone else's richly deserved good fortune. Please. But maybe the end result is the same, and everyone, not solely limited to that girl, is going to have his or her own opinion regarding the real reason for my death. And no one could really dispute anyone else's claim or opinion. I would be the only one to know, and that would be quite unfortunate, wouldn't it? So here I am blogging, just to make sure everyone understands what I'm NOT killing myself for, given that scenario wherein I do kill myself.

I AM NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF BECAUSE OF LOVE, OR LACK THEREOF. While it has been a very, very, very humbling experience to be rejected at worst or to receive lukewarm treatment at best, it is not enough of a driving force to push myself over the edge. I am not as much of a fantastic person as I once thought, and while this is hard to accept, it is to be expected. I'm too full of myself. But I love myself too much to commit suicide simply because I don't get any reciprocation. And I just combined two thoughts in a single paragraph and it utterly destroyed any semblance of coherence, but I don't care because this is the suicide note that isn't.

So everyone clear on that one? I am not going to kill myself for love, or my lack thereof.

If ever I do find time to drink cyanide or OD on sleeping pills or jump on top of a 20-storey building, I'm going to do it because I FEEL ALONE. I FEEL LONELY. I am not going to say that I AM ALONE or I AM LONELY, because, shockingly enough, despite my (1) flair for dramatics; (2) lack of sensitivity or thoughtfulness; (3) selfishness; and (4) constant regression into mood swings and self-pity, people actually do care for me. I can name a lot of people whose hearts are reaching out to me this very instant just by reading this very entry. And I thank you. I thank you very much. Without you, the thought of suicide would become so much more appealing. But then, that's that. I may not be alone, but I feel alone. I may not be lonely, but I feel lonely. I guess I have come to a point where I cannot be reached.

This brings to mind What Dreams May Come, one of my most favorite movies of all time. I bring this up because I can relate to Robin Williams's wife in that film. In that film, the wife committed suicide. As a result, her soul was banished to purgatory/hell (I can't remember which). When Robin Williams, then in a quest to reunite his family in the afterlife, went to rescue her, he immediately found out that his wife no longer recognized him. She had gone to a place so deep that no one could reach her.

Maybe I'm in that place. And what's worse, I have no Robin Williams to save me.

(Okay. So you might be thinking that I'm contradicting myself. "I'm not going to commit suicide because of love," so I say, and yet I also say that "I have no Robin Williams to save me." But I think the distinction should be clear on this one. I am NOT going to kill myself because of LACK OF LOVE; I am going to do it (if ever) because I FEEL LONELY. WHAT'S WORSE (meaning: not the primary concern, but an aggravating factor), I have no one to save me. Enough of the technicalities. Let's move on.)

I need a savior. If ever you're out there, come out, save me. I need saving these days. Dig deep into the trench I have fallen myself into and raise me up. Make me feel that I'm a better person. Don't just tell me I'm good-- make me feel that I'm good. Show me that I'm not the shit that I am right now. Make me feel loved. Teach me again to love. Rescue me partner, whoever you are.

As I've wrote somewhere before: I saved someone once. Can somebody save me now?

Hurry up. Clock's a-ticking. My time is running short.

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Congratulations, Jel.

I am happy for you.

Congratulations are in order. Congratulations, Jel, you deserve this. Let the singing angel lull you to bed at night with a smile pasted on your lips; let the same sweet voice rouse you in the morning.

I have prayed long and hard for this to come into your life, and it has finally happened. I am glad for you. I am happy for you. You might not believe it, given all that you're seeing at this very moment, but it's true. I have only wished for good things for you since time immemorial, and every time a blessing is bestowed upon you, I am happy. As I am now.

God bless, Jel, as you walk through another phase of your life. The choir of angels in heaven are singing their joy, as one of them has gone down to share their song with you in your journey.

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Somebody Save Me

I need to let something out.

I don't usually post lyrics of songs, but this is needed. I need to let something out.

I feel my wings have broken in your hands
I feel the words unspoken inside

When they pull you under
And I would give you anything you want
Well all I wanted
All my dreams have fallen down
Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I've been waiting for you

I see the world has folded in your heart
I feel the waves crash down inside

And they pull me under
I would give you anything you want
Well all I wanted
And all my dreams have fallen down
Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I've been waiting for you

And all my dreams are on the ground

Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just save me

I've made this whole world shine for
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I'm still waiting for you

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