Self-Doubt

I cannot afford to be lax... I cannot afford to make mistakes.

These past few days have been really trying for me at work. As it was with every new beginning, my insecurities started kicking in once again. "What if I don't get to finish my study on time? What if I get blamed for a mistake that truly is my own? What if I don't exceed HR's and everyone else's expectations? What if I faaaaaaiiiilllll???" Of course, during these times of crises, my friends will always be there to say that everything would be OK, you've been there before, you've always managed to stay on top of the game, blah-dee-blah. (No offense, guys. I do appreciate the all-out support.) Despite this, I'm always able to find reasons why this time is different from the last; despite this, I'm always able to find reasons to whine.

For instance, I can confidently say that this time is different from last time because this time it's real work. As an MA, 40% of my time was spent on creating exciting and relevant projects; 60% was spent on trying to make myself believe that these projects were actually exciting and relevant. (This changed in the latter part of the Program, but still.) This time around, every study that I write, every number that I crunch, every recommendation that I propose will have a resonating impact throughout the entire company system. I cannot afford to become lax anymore. I cannot afford to make mistakes.

Sigh. I hope that I'll get over this, given the passage of time. Or given the passing of the first study. Right now, I'll just have to be contented with the fact that I'm the slowest study sloth who ever trodded the Actuarial department.

One bullet in one day?! Three pages in three days?! Imagine that.