Order of the Blue Eagles

...my alma mater did not disappoint.

Jel and I went back to Ateneo to "experience" the school all over again. Like I said in one of my previous posts, being in Ateneo is both refreshing and rejuvenating, a spring of fresh water amidst all the corporate murkiness. And during my second visit, my alma mater did not disappoint. Here are some pictures (yesss...) documenting this very wonderful day.


The day began with lunch at Ken Afford, one of the restaurants we frequent during our college days. Jel had stuffed squid, while I had my staple, chicken lollipops. (Warning: Diet Failure Ahead!)



Don't worry, I only had one rice. And, well, some soup. ;)



After that sumptuous lunch, we finally went inside the campus. The landscape was breathtaking, to say the least. Maybe these pictures could convince you of the beauty that is the Ateneo.





Of course, admiring the beautiful landscape wasn't our primary reason in visiting Ateneo. We then proceeded to do what we needed to do.





Oops. Not that. We studied. Unfortunately, I was informed by the receptionist in the library that I only had 3 passes for this semester. In order for me to have unlimited library visiting privileges (I feel like I'm at the losing end of a child custody case), I should avail for myself the Ateneo Alumni card, or the Order of the Blue Eagle card, whichever I preferred. I went to the Office of Alumni Relations later on, picking the Ateneo Alumni card, but in the meantime, we studied.




At the end of the day, after a chunk of loss models has been retained in my brain and a chunk of remedial law has been retained in Jel's, we decided to go back home. It would never have occurred to us that we would be taking a detour and meet up with Jack in UP.



We ate dinner at UP, dessert in McDonald's Philcoa, and chatted about life a bit before calling it a night. Jack had his curfew, and we had ours (yeah, right).




Rejuvenation in. Lights out.

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A Very Bad Dream, Part II

...I felt helpless; there was nothing I could do.

This is the continuation of my bad dream.


We were ushered into a carpark, similar to the ones you see in malls. I'm not very clear about this part, but we were given some kind of receptacle that contained a little ball the size of a marble. The instructions stated that we shouldn't drop that little ball, or else we're "out." To make things more difficult, we should do this while we were on a motorcycle. I believe there's a time limit on how long we should be going around the carpark.

One of my other companions, a wild girl, drove the motorcycle so recklessly that she dropped the ball after a few rounds of the carpark. I didn't see what happened next, but I felt the fear of knowing that she was "taken out." My friend from the gunfire incident earlier was with me the whole time. Unfortunately, just as the time was about to run out, she let go of the little ball. It fell to the ground with a resounding clang that drove sharp spikes into my heart. She looked at me, worried, but I felt helpless; there was nothing I could do. I, on the other hand, survived that part. But still, the day of carnage wasn't over. There was still a level 3.

This time, I was led to a corridor that looked suspiciously like the one in Gonzaga in Ateneo. There were 3 rooms, and at the entrance of each room was a lady seated behind a desk. On the wall above each person was a sign. I forget the exact words in the sign, but the general aura I felt was that I'm going to be interviewed. I didn't proceed immediately to the interviewers. I walked past them and proceeded to the comfort room to attend to a call of nature. While walking past the rooms, I peeked inside one of them. I understood right away that these were the survivors of this little game.

Inside the comfort room, I dealt with my minor emergency. When I stepped out of the toilet, I saw James emerge. He was wearing his maroon long-sleeved shirt, tucked into his black pants. (James is my officemate in real life.) He asked me some questions, but I also forget which ones they were. In any case, I don't remember what happened after our conversation. I didn't see myself going through the interview process, I didn't see myself survive the game.

But apparently, despite my dream skipping this portion of the program, I survived. And Adam did too. The next scene found us in a coffeeshop with my Mama in tow. Adam and I were discussing what we felt during "that time," taking care not to mention any of the details to my mother. My mother was curious, nonetheless, but I felt it was safe not to disclose any of it to her. She might get very upset.

And... that's the end of my very bad dream. I didn't want to go back to sleep just as yet, because I don't want to recall the face of that bald man again, so I decided to blog about this first. Among all the levels I've been through in that dream game, the first part was easily the scariest, and easily the one that's bothering me enough for me not to go back to sleepyland again. Especially that bald man. *shivers*

I think I'm going to stop now. You all might think this is just silly, but it's not. Hay. It really distressed me. The terror felt so real, you see. I wonder what all of that meant. I'm sure someone could come up with an interpretation for it.

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A Very Bad Dream, Part I

...the terror I felt... resonates within me until now.

I just had a very bad dream. I am still distressed over it, and the terror that I felt felt so real that it still resonates within me until now. It wasn't even a nightmare in which I couldn't move my body; it was just that-- a very bad dream.


I was in a concert hall with Adam and some other people who I don't recognize. The concert hall was huge, and yet it was filled to capacity. I don't even remember the exact event, but I believe it was a concert of sorts. In any case, on top of the stage was a very striking bald man sporting a suave tuxedo. His face looked pleasant enough. It seems that he was the host of the event.

The bald man spoke to the crowd, announcing that the next act (or the start of the concert, I'm not sure) would start in 90 seconds. I looked around the concert hall, and saw, for the first time, that the doors of the place were pulled down, save for a few, which were only partly pulled down. (These doors looked like the ones in malls, the metal sheets that you had to slide down to lock the store behind them.) At the vicinity of each partly closed door was a guard (normal-looking ones, like security guards). They looked stern. I didn't pay close attention to these details at first, because it was a concert anyway, but I felt a tingle right there and then, at the start of those freaking 90 seconds. By the time it came down to only 30 seconds left, I looked at the guards again and felt more uneasy. I suddenly felt-- no, knew-- that something bad was going to happen, and that it would involve the guards. Terror filled me, and it was cold. I whispered to Adam, "Adam, we should go. Now." However, for some reason, we didn't act on my instinct. So the 90 seconds elapsed with us still in the concert hall.

The host stepped up again and announced: "The concert that you are waiting for will not be happening. Tonight, you will be fighting. You will be fighting for your survival." The pleasant-looking host suddenly shifted to something more menacing. His face was taut, and his eyes looked vacant. It was then that pandemonium arose. Everyone was scrambling to get out of the doors. I told Adam: "We must crawl towards the exit." We started crawling. Amazingly, we didn't get hit by a rampaging stampede. It was apparent that everyone thought it would be wise to crawl, as well.

The gunfire started. The guards were idly firing at the people who were crawling on the ground. I say "idle" because it felt like they were not hitting at anyone in particular, nor did they care that they actually shot someone. They fired, then paused for a while, then fired. How long each pause took was random. Yet people were dying by the second.

Adam and I got separated because he crawled closer to where the open door was, whereas I (and this other girl I don't recognize) decided to take a long cut to the door, far from where the bullets could reach us. Miraculously, we emerged safe. It appeared that the guards don't shoot at the people who have escaped the concert hall. They just concentrated all their efforts to those still in the hall.

Outside the hall, we were met by a row of chairs that have been arranged into a semi-circle. Adam wasn't there yet, so I sat down and waited for him. After several minutes of waiting, Adam hasn't emerged from the door yet. I began to felt scared.

Fortunately, after a few more minutes, he came out, coughing and bent over like he had inhaled a can of smoke. But that wasn't the end of it. There was a level 2 to this game of terror.

[To be continued in next entry.]

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Ateneo

I love the Ateneo. I always will.

If someone were to ask me what the happiest moments in my life are, where they occurred, and when they happened, I would reply, without batting an eyelash, "my days in the Ateneo." I may not have explored every side of me then (God knows I have not foreseen the person that I would become now), but like they say, ignorance is bliss, and there is beauty in simplicity. I was just a young boy who enjoyed the occassional movie, endured the daily struggle against student poverty, and got excited over the prospect of a birthday treat at KFC. Back then, my life of solving math problems, sleeping countless hours in the dorm, and salivating over a bowl of spicy pancit canton was enough. It was a great life. I didn't know it then, but I was contented.

It is then of no wonder that my trip to Ateneo today felt like I was coming home to a very happy place. Each old building had a new story to tell; each new one welcomed me. The air was just as fresh and the fields were just as sprawling. I also went at a time when summer classes have barely started, so the flock of students in the campus made me feel more welcome than I already was. I actually looked like a goof if you were there with me: I was smiling the whole time. I couldn't help it; like I said, it was a very happy place.

How I got there is even an interesting story in itself. I never planned to study for my actuarial exam in the Ateneo. My mind was bent on studying in Starbucks right here in Rockwell. But somehow, I felt like I needed a change of location. I felt the weight of Makati over me, and it hung like a deadly sword. So I went out of the coffee shop, hailed the first empty cab, and told the driver to take me to Ateneo. It was an impulsive decision that I have not regretted.

My senses still feel tingly (if there is such a term) almost 15 hours after that memorable visit. I feel so much more refreshed and relaxed. I still have my problems, I still have my melancholic thoughts, but they're staying in the backseat for now. Or perhaps they'll stay there for a long, long time.

I love the Ateneo. I always will.

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Just So You Know

Just so you know, this feeling's taking control of me...

With the advent of my new iPod, my music library has expanded quite considerably. I am no longer content with just listening to songs that I "accidentally" encounter. Instead, I search for the newest songs out there and download them! I am definitely trying to catch up with the times.

One of the more recent songs I heard (and ultimately loved) was Jesse McCartney's Just So You Know. I've always pegged Jesse as Aaron Carter's competitor, but with this song, he proved me wrong. He is so much more mature than Aaron could ever attempt to be. You know what? The song actually touched me. The beat and the melody may be pop, but the beat and the melody betray the meaning of the song's lyrics. Listen to it, and you'll see what I mean.

You can check out the lyrics below.



I shouldn't love you but I want you
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

I shouldn't love you but I want you
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus:]
Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus]

This emptiness is killing me
And I'm wondering why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I'm waiting here...been waiting here

[Chorus]

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Random Ramblings from the King

I'm going back to work tomorrow.

I'm going back to work tomorrow (or today, it's already 2 AM, but whatever). It's been a fun 6 days' worth of vacation. I just hope I've learned my lessons, whatever these lessons may be.

I'm just babbling here, but please let me. I'm in that melancholic mood again. Everyone's asleep already, so I'm just here, hanging around. I'm about to sleep in awhile. Maybe that's why I'm just randomly writing. I'm making myself sleep.

This is such a pointless post. I can't even say what I have to say.

Like I said to my friend, AA, it's amazing what life throws at you. Curve balls! Or maybe boomerangs. Haha. AA, let's talk! Let's talk talk. I have a lot of things to share. Maybe you can be my psychiatrist or something.

I'm going to work tomorrow. I'm going to work tomorrow. I'm going to work tomorrow.


In every cloud, there is a silver lining
That shines at each arc
That sparkles at each curve
That scintillates at every angle

It shields us from nightmares
And guards our thoughts
So we may not be lost in them
So we may not be caught in them

Of its end and of its beginning
We know not, we see not--
And we do not care
As long as the lining is there

Ah, what mythical god
Held the world on his shoulders
And saw those clouds fly past
In silver flight?

What did he say when he was no stronger?
When he was no brighter?
"I must move faster, soar higher!
I must reach those sparkling lights."

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First Entry with Picture

I wonder how this looks like.

I just wanted to see how an entry would look like with a picture in it. Pictures are such interesting things, no?



In case you're wondering, this is a picture of my study clutter.

ETA: It doesn't look bad, after all. I've been avoiding placing pictures in my entries because I thought it would destroy my magazine-type lay-out, but whatdyaknow? It enhances it just fine. I guess this means more pictures in the future, eh?

E once more TA: Now that I've finished being astounded by the effect of pictures on an entry, I am now going to close the Internet Explorer and make my way to McDo, where I am going to continue studying for my actuarial exam. Ha! Haven't written that in ages!

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Thoughts on American Idol: Who's Your Daddy?

What's your name? Who's your daddy?

There are only a few shows that I get to watch religiously these days, given my studies and my work, both of which take so much of my entertainment time. "Few," in fact, would already be a vast exaggeration, as I fervently watch only 2: American Idol 6 and The Amazing Race All-Stars. These two programs have me in their grip. I cannot miss an episode, I cannot wait days to watch the replay, and most especially, I CANNOT BE SPOILERED. So if you guys are planning to send me a text message that contains who got booted out or who eventually won the race, please don't. If you do, I will personally reach into your gut and pull out your colon.


*fans hands towards face* HUH. Now that that's out of the way, here are my thoughts on this year's remaining contestants on American Idol. (Order matters, by the way. Personal faves are on top; hellraisers, bottom.)

1. Blake. My man Blake is my bet to win it all. While he may not be the best vocally, he is the person to beat in terms of charisma and style. He is such an appealing singer. He delivers something new week after week after week. After seasons of having winners that looked like they came from the same cookie jar (Fantasia excluded, but God, I really didn't like her), I'm now ready to root for someone different, someone preppy, someone contemporary. Blake, do me proud!

2. Melinda. Vocals: Unique. Controlled. Flawless. Technically, she is perfect in every way. The good thing about it is that she's not holding back; she really lets it loose during crunch time. This is truly an American Idol in the making. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if I want a big-voiced black girl to win this one. I guess I'm just waiting for that one jawdropping performance from her (think Katharine McPhee's Somewhere Over the Rainbow). In any case, my bet among all the females.

3. Jordin. Amazing. After all that talk about not being able to like this girl, I'm placing her in third place. I guess, among all the others, she's the next best thing after Blake and Melinda. She's young and she's not old-fashioned. There's also something very refreshing about her when she sings. But then again, she's a big-voiced black girl. I'm really getting tired of all the belting. I know that you tough girls can sing... but what else? I wish she'd do something similar to her Hey Baby performance, but one without the awkward copycatting.

4. Chris R. It's funny how I'm basing my ranking on how different the singer is as compared to the previous American Idol winners. Uniqueness is not everything (vocals also matter, Sanjaya), but it is a big something. Take, for instance, Chris R. While I've grown increasingly irritated by the way his singing sounds when he's picking the wrong type of song, I know that, given the proper song choices, he's going to make it big. He can easily be packaged as a pop star, for one, and with the Justin Timberlake resemblance, it's definitely hard to miss.

5. Haley. Give me naughty, baby! =) With this girl, it's definitely all about the packaging. If she keeps up with the Britney-esque moves and the better-than-Britney-esque vocals, I might just root for her more than Chris R!

6. Lakisha. Among the three big-voiced black girls remaining in the competition, she's the one that least appeals to me. There's nothing quite special about her, except that she has excellent range and almost-perfect vocals. After that fact... eh. Nothing else. I mean, why can't we have a big-voiced white girl in the show for once, someone like Christina Aguilera? Or a small-voiced black girl, someone like Beyonce?

7. Phil. He lacks charisma. He has very good vocals, better than Blake even, but in this show, good vocals are just not good enough. You have to be sellable and unique. Unfortunately, Phil is neither of these two.

8. Sanjaya. I'm not yet at the point where I'm throwing furniture at my television just because he's still there. Why? Because I saw Clay's season. In that season, there is a girl named Carmen Rasmussen who is even worse off in singing than Sanjaya. She's like a goat, for crying out loud, and she made it all the way to Top 6. So basically, she's my benchmark for singers who shouldn't be in the Top 12 in the first place. Once Sanjaya breaches the Top 6 mark, the computer chair will be the first to go.

That's it for now. Thoughts on The Amazing Race, next!

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How Well Do You Know Me?

Let's play a game...

Since the post before this is one about self-rediscovery, I want you guys to play a little Kerwin self-rediscovery game for me. This game tests how well you know me. All you need to do is to choose from the five choices listed under each question. There are 10 questions all in all, so please don't go through the answers if you haven't responded to all 10 yet.

Now, I've tried my best not to include questions that only people from a certain era in my life would know. However, this type of question may have easily slipped in. So if you get a low score, please don't blame yourself, blame me for asking the wrong questions. Hee.

So, everyone ready? Grab a pencil and a sheet of paper and let's begin! =)

1. Imagine Kerwin studying for his actuarial exam in Starbucks, hunched over his notes with a look of extreme concentration on his face. Which among the following will be the most successful in tearing his attention away from his review?

a an offer of ham and cheese croissant + venti-sized mocha frappe, all for free
b his phone ringing, Papa calling
c a lively discussion on why Heroes V is the best turn-based game EVAH
d spoiler news that his favorites in the Amazing Race have been eliminated
e what? nothing can take Kerwin away from a mathematics review

2. Kerwin's getting ready to order in Jollibee. Given that he hasn't started his diet yet, what would most likely be the food that he's going to say to the Jollibee counter person?

a YumBurger Mushroom & Cheese, large fries, large Coke
b 2-piece Burger Steak, dalandan juice, extra rice
c large Arroz Cubana Value Meal, large Coke
d Regular ChickenJoy, regular Coke, Swirly Bitz
e Spicy ChickenJoy, large Coke, Pizzamelt Pie

3. Which of the following discussion groups is Kerwin most likely to be actively participating in?

a Stephen King
b life on other planets
c the debate on evolution vs. creation
d Harry Potter
e ABS-CBN shows

4. Aside from Mathematics, what other subject in college interested Kerwin greatly?

a Biology
b Literature/English
c History
d Filipino
e Theology and Philosophy

5. Kerwin is going out with his friends to watch a movie. One friend suggests that they eat at a restaurant first, then go to the movie. Another friend suggests seeing the movie first, then eating after. Three questions: what would Kerwin do, what restaurant will he want to eat in, and what movie will he want to see?

a movie, then restaurant; movie: Titanic; restaurant: Tokyo Tokyo
b restaurant, then movie; movie: Saw III; restaurant: Chef 'd Angelo
c movie, then restaurant; movie: Fast and the Furious; restaurant: the mall's food court
d restaurant, then movie; movie: Babel; restaurant: Kamayan
e movie, then restaurant; movie: White Chicks; restaurant: Jollibee

6. Kerwin gets his bonus. What would be the first thing that he's going to do?

a shop for clothes and shoes
b remit some money to his parents
c buy some accessories for the computer
d pay the debts
e eat at a favorite restaurant with friends

7. What event in Kerwin's academic life disappointed him the most?

a not being able to place in the team division of the Philippine Math Olympiad
b not being able to graduate Salutatorian in high school
c not being able to pass the interview for a scholarship in Singapore
d not being able to write a thesis during his fourth year in college
e not being able to graduate Cum Laude in college

8. Kerwin can sometimes be unpredictable in what he wants to do, and what he is able to do. Which of the following activities will Kerwin want to probably engage in?

a bungee jumping
b skydiving
c white water rafting
d rock climbing
e ramp skateboarding

9. Kerwin is a pretty irritable person. Which of the following people will get him worked up easily?

a the obnoxious guy who couldn't stop talking bragging about himself
b the bitchy girl who would constantly ignore him
c the bully who would torment him with little acts of torture
d the freak who wouldn't stop hinting at and insinuating "facts" about Kerwin
e the friend who would use every passive-aggressive tactic to make him feel bad about himself

10. This one's pretty easy. Which of the following events NEVER happened to Kerwin?

a His father sent a love letter Kerwin wrote in high school to the Youngblood column of Inquirer.
b His brother analyzed him without his knowledge for his paper in Psychology.
c His furious mother chased him around the neighborhood with a broom in her hands.
d His father made him swear never to lie again with his right palm on the Bible, just like a witness taking oath on the stand.
e His mother accidentally poured hot oil on his thigh when he was still in grade school.

Okay, you're done! Click on the link below to see your scores for each question.



1. a = 5, b = 8, c = 10, d = 4, e = 0
2. a = 6 b = 4 c = 0, d = 8 e = 10
3. a = 9, b = 8, c = 6, d = 1, e = 10
4. a = -5, b = 9, c = 3, d = 0, e = 10
5. a = 7, b = 10, c = 0, d = 4, e = 6
6. a = 7, b = 8, c = 6, d = 10, e = 4
7. a = 1, b = 7, c = 10, d = 0, e = 5
8. a = 10, b = 7, c = 2, d = 1, e = 0
9. a = 2, b = 3, c = 6, d = 10, e = 9
10. a = 0, b = 0, c = 0, d = 0, e = 10

Add them all up, and see how you do! =) A score of 70 and above should indicate that you, dear friend, really do know me! (Or you're just really good at guessing.) Like I said, a low score shouldn't be indicative of something negative. In any case, thanks for participating, and scores in the comments, please!

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To Be a Better Man

I am a changed man, and I am not liking it.

I have had a hard time writing this entry. There's a point I want to say, but I just can't figure out how to do it. Then I realize I'm just trying to be grammatical and coherent again. There's really no need to create a "perfect" intro to this one. It's just as simple as this:

I am a changed man, and I am not liking it.


I am not liking the way I look at myself, the way I think of other people, the way I treat my friends and loved ones, the way I handle my problems, the way I cope with really difficult situations, the way I deal with the past, the way I approach life in general. This is not me 9 years ago. This is not me 6 years ago. Heck, this isn't even me 2 years ago.

But then, the human spirit is a resilient force. There comes a point when it gets tired of all the drama, the envy, and the pain. It learns to withstand further stress. It learns to adapt. It learns to compromise. And I am in that situation right now. I am negotiating with myself to make myself a better man. With the help of those who love me, care for me, and believe in me, I am going to get there. Like an angel with wings spread wide, I am going to soar on greater heights, in higher flight.

I am going to get there.

And with that, I'm back.

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