Year-End Series: Plans, Plans, Plans

Year-End Series

Now, we've come to the last part of my Year-End Series. After describing some of my pet peeves and pet loves; after revealing both thankful and tactless thoughts on the most prominent people in my life during 2006; and after providing a short but comprehensive summary of the year that was, it's now time to disclose what my plans for the future are. I'll try to be specific as possible, and I'll try to write down resolutions for each aspect of my life. Here they are:


Work:

1. Never work on a Sunday again. It's only fun when you're in the company of friends. Even then, there's that nagging feeling that you guys shouldn't be having fun in the midst of work: you guys should be having fun outside it.

2. Avoid coming in on a Saturday. There are ways of not having to work on weekends, I'm pretty sure. And I'm also pretty sure that I haven't done all of these ways.

3. Be home by 8 PM. I'm not saying that I should leave the office by 8-- I should be home by 8. This means that I should be out of the office by 6 to 7. I will only stay longer if 1) there's a project that needs to be rushed, and 2) this project cannot be done at home. Like I said, there are ways of not having to extend my stay in the office.

4. Reduce chatting time. I have reason to believe that the chatroom is where much of my lost productivity goes. Cutting down on the virtual talk can very well be the key in accomplishing more during the 8 hours allotted to work.

5. Speed up on the studies. Slack not, human! Think faster, but also think better. This is the hardest part to change about work, but I will try. I will really try.

Lifestyle:

1. Eat less. Continue with the fish and seafood "diet". I have accomplished much in 2006 when I cut down my rice intake from 2 cups to 1. Unfortunately, what I lost in rice I gained in everything else. Haha. Now that I know the eating ways of the Actuarial Division, I would adapt accordingly.

2. Find a physical activity to engage in. Chris suggests badminton with Paul. Despite my limited motor skills, I can do that, I think. Jogging (like what Jel has started to do) is difficult, given my 830 schedule. Getting a gym pass will only be worth it if someone tags along. I wouldn't want to do all the exercises alone. That would probably be a ticket to embarrassment.

3. Sleep earlier. Now that I'm vowing to go home earlier, I have no excuse to sleep later. If I get my early rest, I then have no excuse of arriving late at work. I then will have ample time to prepare myself psychologically for the rest of the day.

4. Spend less, save more. I'm not sure I can cut down on the money spent on taxis. Oops. I can cut down on food, I think. And on coffee (once I get my Starbucks planner). Hay, this is such a difficult resolution. But like any other resolution, I would have to try.

5. Another reason why Lifestyle resolution #4 is so difficult to achieve. Perhaps I should strike it out now. Haha. Resolution #5: look good. This is simply a vanity thing. Buy better-fitting clothes. Buy clothes! Buy shoes that fit. Buy shoes! Smell good, look good, feel good. Toj has an idea, and perhaps I can adopt it here: risk more. Like what she says in her blog, "Trying new things everyday isn't so bad at all." I concur.

6. Read more about current events. Subscribe to Time or Newsweek or Reader's Digest. I've started this year by reading outside my usual brand of fiction (Stephen King and his posse), and I've found it to be quite satisfying. Especially the nonfiction kind. They say truth is stranger than fiction, and perhaps I can delve into those literary pieces, as well.

Personal Relationships:

1. Be nicer to others. Not in the passive sense, but in the active one. Go out of my way to make people feel better about themselves. I'm not going to plan Any Big Thing, but just little acts of kindness. Like what most self-help books would say, "A Little Deed Goes A Long Way."

2. Be meaner to others. Yes, meaner to others who deserve the meanness. This year, I have no plans of being trampled upon again. I'm sure this is quite difficult, the most difficult one to implement among all my resolutions, primarily because who I am is innate to me. I've grown this personality for 22 years, and a sudden shift to the "dark side" is going to take some time. But whatever. After all I've been through in 2006, I cannot honestly say I haven't changed.

Those are my plans for 2007. Even now, I'm sure I won't be able to accomplish all of them. But optimistic am I. This is for my own good, why shouldn't I attempt to make myself better, right?

Right.

Have a very merry 2007, everyone! :)

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Year-End Series: The Year 2006 in Review

Year-End Series

Let me just say it aloud, right here at the onset: 2006 sucked. But then again, I'm getting ahead of myself, and already generalizing. Here's a short summary of the year, month by month.


January: Received news that I passed Course FM after months of anticipation. I got a 17 over 25 in a test that had 18 as its previous passing mark. I was on the bubble for weeks, and when the results came, I was happy as hell. Started studying for Course M, having heard the future Actuarial Idol's performance on the exam.

Also: my phone got stolen on the 2nd of January. My 5-year old phone, my gift from my high school graduation, the phone I've learned to love, got nabbed by a thief inside our boarding house room. The freaking phone was just beside me on the bed. Tsk tsk. Maybe it was nature's way of saying, "Replace that ancient gadget." In any case, because of the kindness of Joey's mom, I got a new phone, the Sony Walkman 550i, during the last week of January.

February: Weeks of studying at work interrupted when the big guns from Hong Kong arrived. Company projects were given. I was shipped off to PELAC. Transportation became so much less of a burden. Met new friends.

March: Continued secret project in PELAC. First experienced going home beyond 6 PM because of work. Moreover, also first experienced the wonders of vomiting induced by consuming unrealistic amounts of alcohol. The pressure of MAP graduation began to be felt by everyone.

April: I am not sure if anything happened during this month. I studied more for Course M, I guess. Ah, wait. First met Mr. Centeno in a meeting with Ms. Jess, Ms. Avic, and Steve Clark. It then dawned on me that these were my future bosses. I grew more excited about the transference.

May: Everything was set. I was told I would be going to Actuarial. That was happy news. The MA Program was over. That was sad news. We were told about our final destinations: some were happy, some were satisfied, others became depressed. To keep ourselves intact, and to keep our friendship whole, we went to Ange's resthouse in Pililla. Site of the now infamous Jacuzzi. Surely, these were great times. And then, graduation. Sad times once again.

And oh. I took the Course M exam. Difficult. The PAK scores, however, pushed me to be optimistic.

June: Entered Actuarial. It was a wonderful transference, to say the least. I believe, among the 8 of us in MAP, I had the easiest time adjusting to post-MAP depression. Must be the people who were in the department. Several of them were within spitting distance from my age, and a notable few made my first few days very pleasant. Had my first videoke session. Went to Batangas with them on my first week, got drunk, and slept.

Work-wise, I suddenly felt inadequate. My Excel skills, which in MAP I thought were good enough, could not even compare to the rest. I questioned my own ability to learn what others have learned; I became quite insecure. I first became appalled at myself during the time that I accomplished only one bullet point for the day. I shared these insecurities to my other MA friends, and they felt the same way. I felt better, knowing that we were all struggling. It wasn't me, it must be the newness of the jobs.

I became fatter. At the end of the month, I have gained more than ten pounds.

I received my bonus. I invested in PAMI and saved in China Bank.

July: Such an interesting month. And perhaps the month that triggered all the other months that followed.

First worked on a Saturday. I was quite proud of it during that time. I'm sure it was not necessary to work on a Saturday at that point, but I did. Just to test the waters, so to speak.

And speaking of testing the waters... this was the month of knowing. This was the month of discovering. The discoveries were a result of a straightforward question, and a test that eventually paid off. The repercussions were extreme, to say the least, but these could be told another time. The important thing is: it all happened in July.

But wait, there's more! I learned that I passed the Course M exam. Yebah! Unfortunately, due to some pressing deadlines, I was not able to study for Course C right away. What a very bad decision.

But wait, there's more!

There was four.

August: My birthday! I turned 22. I didn't realize it at that time, chalking it up to melancholy, but I was already on the verge of the biggest depression of my entire life. The question playing on my mind right now is this: if I knew in advance what would happen, would I have been able to stop it?

September: Heartbreak. Hardships. Despair. Depression. A temporary reprieve in the form of a vacation. Karmic retribution. Kerwin, interrupted. Kerwin, lost. Bouts of self-pity. Bouts of self-hate. The worst month of my entire life. And I'm not exaggerating.

John Mayer in Comfortable: "Can't remember, what went wrong last September; though I'm sure you'd remind me, if you had to. Our love was, comfortable and... so broken in..."

Green Day in Wake Me Up When September Ends: "The innocent can never last... wake me up, when September ends."

October: The time of recovery. I learned to expand my horizons to include other people. I learned to become more conscious about myself. This, I believe, was the time when I became more vain. If I were to put an exact month on those initial moments of vanity, it would be October.

In other news, I started to fear more about my Course C exam.

November: Took the Course C exam, got a 22, one less than the usual passing mark. And with that, I returned once again to the time when I just finished the Course FM exam. I was on the bubble once again, with weeks of nail-biting anticipation ahead of me. If I pass, then I would be promoted to Actuarial Associate. If I don't pass, then I would have to endure the new exam syllabus, as well as the utter humiliation I would be taking from my own self.

On a more personal note, I learned that some people suck. Just when I was recovering, someone comes along to aggravate the wounds. It's not the person's fault, not really, but I can't help but think that it could all have been avoided. I couldn't believe I almost plunged into depression again!

December: Spent half of this month organizing the Actuarial Christmas party. It ended a little below my expectations, but I think we managed it well.

In other news, this was the month of shocking changes. The most "abrupt" month, if that even makes sense. It bothered me a little, but then I got over it. I learned to accept things as they were, and not make a big fuss over them. To help me achieve this, I adopted the mantra: "Be nice, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." This helped me in feeling happiness I haven't felt for some time. Being good is good.

-------------------------------

As you can see, 2006 was bad, but it wasn't devastatingly bad. I managed to recover from the mid-year crisis I underwent. Of course, the remnants of that time are still with me; I doubt if these embers will ever fade. I'm not one to complain, though. Perhaps it's good that I have these experiences with me, to help me become a better person, to help me become a better man. In the future, I may be able to look at that time in my life and feel, not a stinging sense of regret and sadness, but a refreshing sense of having grown as a person, of having learned from my stupid mistakes.

Here's to a happier 2007! :)

Next up in the Year-End Series: Plans, Plans, Plans.

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Year-End Series: Things I Want to Say to People

Year-End Series

Joey is famous for this, but what the heck, I'm going to be a copycat. The rules remain the same: below are thirteen heartfelt messages I want to say to people. I won't disclose who I'm addressing these messages to, and I won't disclose how many people are actually involved (that is, it's not necessarily one-to-one). You'll just need to figure it all out. :)


1. I don't like you that much. I feel like this space is better reserved for someone I do like, but I just have to release this venom out. Perhaps it's the condescension. Perhaps it's that fucking knowing look you have, feeling like you have something on me. Well guess what? You don't.

2. You're unique in the sense that, among all of you, you are the only one who knows. And I'm not really surprised at the way you took care of me when I was at my lowest low. You used your words. Given your power of eloquent speech, you moved me to move on. You gave me the impression that you understood. You empathized with me. For that, and for so much more, I thank you. I'm glad that you're my confidant.

3. I have mixed emotions about you. Until now, I still don't understand what it is that I truly feel. So many things have happened since we met: there was a point when I wanted to hate you, but I couldn't. There was a point when I wanted to love you, but I wouldn't. You have made things certainly more complicated. For better or for worse, I don't know. Given the way my life is going, it seems like it's for worse. But let's see in 2007. Things may change.

4. That previous entry about UPR's? I was thinking of you (and one other person) when I wrote that. If you recall, you responded to my plea of help. I should have known you are the type of person who would do things like that to your friends. You don't know how happy I was when I got to receive your messages. And you did it not only once, but twice, using different means. Rock on, my friend. Continue making a difference in people's lives.

5. I know I've written this somewhere before. My feelings about you are as tumultuous as a roaring river, and as twisted as a roller coaster. From adoration, I moved to nervousness, then to dislike, then to downright hate, then to dislike, then to "love", then to nonchalance, then to dislike, then back to nonchalance, and now... I might actually be starting to warm up again! Amazing. We might actually become friends again!

6. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve every bad thing you've experienced from me.

7. There are moments when I think that you're an unappreciative brat. But one look at the written word and I realize that maybe there's more to this "ingratitude" than meets the eye. I shouldn't be too quick to judge. Now I understand that you really do care about what we have done for you. It's a good thing my perception has changed, because I don't want to add to the misery you're currently experiencing. I'm just here if you need me, like always. Again, I'm sorry for reading too much into your indifference.

8. Office life wouldn't be the same without you. This is true in every sense. Thank you for being there for me; I appreciate the friendship. I'm sorry if I entered your life in ways that modified it to great lengths. I mean this apology, and I hope you accept it.

9. When asked what it was I thought about you, I gave a response that surprised you. I'm sure you know what I said then was true. I myself could testify to the lengths you would take to make a friend feel special. And I have been a recipient of your well-intentioned efforts. Thank you for welcoming me. Thank you for making me feel I belong. (By the way, you're the other person I thought of when I wrote the UPR entry below.)

10. At last! That is all I can say. At last! Here's to a love-laden and love-filled 2007!

11. You suck. Haha. Well, not really. Well, maybe. You suck. I don't know what it is about you that caught my attention in the first place. Admittedly, you're cute, and you're quite charming, but those shouldn't have been enough for you to affect me like that. I know you didn't lead me on, but still... couldn't you be more direct about it? I'm glad that phase of my life is over. It lasted much longer than it should. Nyakers.

12. Your concern for others is quite amazing. I can't fathom how someone could be so dedicated in helping others. But I'm not one to complain. Without you, I would have long been discovered as the dumbass I really am. With you, I have learned to grow as a person, in more ways than the professional one. There are a lot of things I still want to say about you, but I limited it to the most impressive one. The rest can be seen in your Friendster testimonial, which is soon to follow.

13. Last but not the least. Definitely not the least. You know I've always mentioned how difficult it is to write something about you. You now might think differently, given that I have actually written something about you, but the truth still stands: it's hard to describe someone who has been perfect in almost every way. How can I justify how kind, how caring, how thoughtful you have been... how selfless you remain until now? I simply cannot. Let me then just say: Thank you. I'm so lucky to have met you. I'm looking forward to many more years of friendship. :)

Thank goodness, the messages are done! That took some time. Hee. Please feel free to speculate on who these people are. It would take a very brilliant mind (or someone very, very close to me) to figure out all 13. Don't send me any messages asking who number 6 is or if you're on the list. Rules are rules, people.

Next up in the Year-End Series: The Year 2006 in Review.

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Year-End Series: Good Boy/Mean Boy

Year-End Series

I have decided to write a 4-part series of blog entries to mark the end of the hideous 2006, and the start of what I hope will be a better 2007. To start things off, let me begin with a list of things I loved and hated in two-oh-oh-six, and will probably still love and hate in two-oh-oh-seven.


Pet Peeves

1. People who smoke while walking in public. For some reason, it is only this year that I found this to be extremely annoying. And for some reason, it is only in UN, just after my morning commute, that this happens. Trekking the road from Taft to the office has become quite an obstacle course; in the end, I feel like I haven't showered at all. I suggest a punishment that requires using the offender's face as an ashtray.

2. Commuting. Now that I've mentioned it, it is also in 2006 that I learned to hate commuting. Why, oh why is it so hard to get a decent FX in the morning? Why, oh why is it so hard to get a cab in UN? Why, oh why do I need to squish and grind with other people in the MRT and LRT? (See Hate entry #3 below.) Why, oh why do I feel like taking a shower again when I take the jeep to work? Why, oh why isn't there a direct route from Guadalupe to UN? Why do routes have to stop at Pedro Gil? Can't they drive a little bit farther, like, one station away?

3. People invading my personal bubble. That is, people who bump and grind into me while I'm out there walking in the street or grabbing the poles in the MRT and LRT. I feel slighted everytime someone bumps me while I'm walking. I'm pretty sure it's not intentional, but can't people make a conscious effort to avoid other people? Isn't there what David Hume calls convention? Hay. Back off, people! Back off!

4. Being late. This may come as a surprise, but I hate being late. It absolutely wrecks the beginning of my day when I come in late. I am a firm believer of psychological readiness, and everytime I'm tardy, I just entirely miss preparing myself for the day ahead. Result? Grumpiness that lasts the whole morning. The weird thing about all this is that, back when I was still an MA, I had no problems with tardiness. Hmmm...

5. One-line text messages. Haha. This is a minor pet peeve that has the ability to grow into a major irritation. Please try to squeeze in more words in your messages. Please don't be satisfied with a one-line-- or worse, one-word-- SMS. First, it makes me feel as though you haven't put too much thought in composing. Second, it makes me feel as though I'm not worth the extra words. Third, sayang ang piso mo, dude. And while you're at it, please add a smiley, just so I know you're not mad at me. I'm paranoid that way.


Whew. That was easier than I thought. Now, for the hard part:

Pet Loves

1. Getting in a Crosswind FX or a cab with leather seats. At rare times like these, I feel like the world is at peace with me again. I just love the feeling of being able to ride such a wonderful and fabulous public utility vehicle. Never mind the traffic-- in the first place, it has never been a pet peeve, and in the second place, what's there to worry when you're having such a luxurious ride? Better prolong the bliss, right?

2. Chris and Nicole. And, to a lesser extent, DJ Mo. The radio programs of these two sets of personalities never fail to intrigue me or bring a smile to my face. Jologs na kung jologs. We have to take happiness whenever we can find it, no matter how embarrassing. More power to Christsuper, Nicolegiala, and the Forbidden Questions of DJ Mo! Here's to another year of suppressed laughter and surprise.

3. Unsolicited Positive Reinforcement. UPR, for short; morale boosters, in other words. By definition, UPR's are unexpected kind or encouraging words received by someone from his friends, acquaintances, or even total strangers. No matter what the intention of the sender, the effect must be the same: a sudden boost of happiness, a sudden jolt in life. Given this, it's not surprising to know how much I love these UPR's. There's nothing like an unexpected text message or Friendster testimonial to really make my day.

4. Terms of endearment. Aben, Abs, Bansy, Boks, Kelwin, Ker, Kerwinette, Kerwit, Wing, Wing-Wing. It's not called terms of "endearment" for nothing. These words silently say to me: "I like you, and I'm letting you know. I just don't want to be too obvious about it." Of course, I might be too presumptuous. At the very least, calling me by these names tells me that you still respect me enough to address me by my real identity. (Hee. It's so hard justifying such a shallow source of momentary glee.)

5. Getting that perfect picture. I'm in a quest to find the perfect picture angle. More often than not, I fail to achieve this. It's quite "fulfilling," however, when I feel like I've got it, when I feel that the picture captured one of my handsome moments. Like I said in my Friendster account, 2006 is my year for vanity, so I'm more conscious about these things. And it's nice to receive affirmation.

I'll stop now before people start throwing tomatoes at me. Hee.

Next up in the Year-End Series: Things I Want to Say to People.

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Revamp

It seems auspicious, somehow.

Frequent readers of this blog, viewers of my Multiply, and stalkers in Friendster will surely recognize that I have revamped almost everything about these sites. The reason for these changes is simple: it's a new year, and I want to greet it with a new interface. It just seems auspicious, somehow.

The more observant ones will notice that there is a running theme in all three web sites: the earth colors. I have adopted a color scheme that I find to be pleasant to the eyes. Before the sudden emergence of my need to expand on my clothing options (in other words, before vanity), my shirts were almost always earthy in color. They were plain and safe more often than not.

That time of safety in fashion is long gone now, but the pleasantness of the earth hues remains. Other than that, this was the only template in Blogger that I found to be reasonably attractive, so when I adopted it, I decided to use the colors present in the template to my other sites. And so we now have a running theme.

And so we now have a major revamp. Enjoy!

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An Open Letter of Death

This is NOT a suicide note.

Disclaimer: This is NOT a suicide note.

Given the way things are going, I think someone out there wants me dead.

I'm serious. Maybe when a certain somebody texted, "magpapakamatay na niyan si ker," she was right. Not for the reasons she might be thinking, oh no. I've already written a post about that, and I wouldn't go as far as killing myself for it. Quite the opposite, in fact. I have no intention of hanging myself on a noose just because of someone else's richly deserved good fortune. Please. But maybe the end result is the same, and everyone, not solely limited to that girl, is going to have his or her own opinion regarding the real reason for my death. And no one could really dispute anyone else's claim or opinion. I would be the only one to know, and that would be quite unfortunate, wouldn't it? So here I am blogging, just to make sure everyone understands what I'm NOT killing myself for, given that scenario wherein I do kill myself.

I AM NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF BECAUSE OF LOVE, OR LACK THEREOF. While it has been a very, very, very humbling experience to be rejected at worst or to receive lukewarm treatment at best, it is not enough of a driving force to push myself over the edge. I am not as much of a fantastic person as I once thought, and while this is hard to accept, it is to be expected. I'm too full of myself. But I love myself too much to commit suicide simply because I don't get any reciprocation. And I just combined two thoughts in a single paragraph and it utterly destroyed any semblance of coherence, but I don't care because this is the suicide note that isn't.

So everyone clear on that one? I am not going to kill myself for love, or my lack thereof.

If ever I do find time to drink cyanide or OD on sleeping pills or jump on top of a 20-storey building, I'm going to do it because I FEEL ALONE. I FEEL LONELY. I am not going to say that I AM ALONE or I AM LONELY, because, shockingly enough, despite my (1) flair for dramatics; (2) lack of sensitivity or thoughtfulness; (3) selfishness; and (4) constant regression into mood swings and self-pity, people actually do care for me. I can name a lot of people whose hearts are reaching out to me this very instant just by reading this very entry. And I thank you. I thank you very much. Without you, the thought of suicide would become so much more appealing. But then, that's that. I may not be alone, but I feel alone. I may not be lonely, but I feel lonely. I guess I have come to a point where I cannot be reached.

This brings to mind What Dreams May Come, one of my most favorite movies of all time. I bring this up because I can relate to Robin Williams's wife in that film. In that film, the wife committed suicide. As a result, her soul was banished to purgatory/hell (I can't remember which). When Robin Williams, then in a quest to reunite his family in the afterlife, went to rescue her, he immediately found out that his wife no longer recognized him. She had gone to a place so deep that no one could reach her.

Maybe I'm in that place. And what's worse, I have no Robin Williams to save me.

(Okay. So you might be thinking that I'm contradicting myself. "I'm not going to commit suicide because of love," so I say, and yet I also say that "I have no Robin Williams to save me." But I think the distinction should be clear on this one. I am NOT going to kill myself because of LACK OF LOVE; I am going to do it (if ever) because I FEEL LONELY. WHAT'S WORSE (meaning: not the primary concern, but an aggravating factor), I have no one to save me. Enough of the technicalities. Let's move on.)

I need a savior. If ever you're out there, come out, save me. I need saving these days. Dig deep into the trench I have fallen myself into and raise me up. Make me feel that I'm a better person. Don't just tell me I'm good-- make me feel that I'm good. Show me that I'm not the shit that I am right now. Make me feel loved. Teach me again to love. Rescue me partner, whoever you are.

As I've wrote somewhere before: I saved someone once. Can somebody save me now?

Hurry up. Clock's a-ticking. My time is running short.

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Congratulations, Jel.

I am happy for you.

Congratulations are in order. Congratulations, Jel, you deserve this. Let the singing angel lull you to bed at night with a smile pasted on your lips; let the same sweet voice rouse you in the morning.

I have prayed long and hard for this to come into your life, and it has finally happened. I am glad for you. I am happy for you. You might not believe it, given all that you're seeing at this very moment, but it's true. I have only wished for good things for you since time immemorial, and every time a blessing is bestowed upon you, I am happy. As I am now.

God bless, Jel, as you walk through another phase of your life. The choir of angels in heaven are singing their joy, as one of them has gone down to share their song with you in your journey.

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Somebody Save Me

I need to let something out.

I don't usually post lyrics of songs, but this is needed. I need to let something out.

I feel my wings have broken in your hands
I feel the words unspoken inside

When they pull you under
And I would give you anything you want
Well all I wanted
All my dreams have fallen down
Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I've been waiting for you

I see the world has folded in your heart
I feel the waves crash down inside

And they pull me under
I would give you anything you want
Well all I wanted
And all my dreams have fallen down
Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I've been waiting for you

And all my dreams are on the ground

Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just save me

I've made this whole world shine for
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I'm still waiting for you

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