Numbers Are Not All That I Know

Order of the Blue Eagles

2007-04-23T22:50:00.000+08:00

...my alma mater did not disappoint.

Jel and I went back to Ateneo to "experience" the school all over again. Like I said in one of my previous posts, being in Ateneo is both refreshing and rejuvenating, a spring of fresh water amidst all the corporate murkiness. And during my second visit, my alma mater did not disappoint. Here are some pictures (yesss...) documenting this very wonderful day.

The day began with lunch at Ken Afford, one of the restaurants we frequent during our college days. Jel had stuffed squid, while I had my staple, chicken lollipops. (Warning: Diet Failure Ahead!)

Don't worry, I only had one rice. And, well, some soup. ;)

After that sumptuous lunch, we finally went inside the campus. The landscape was breathtaking, to say the least. Maybe these pictures could convince you of the beauty that is the Ateneo.

Of course, admiring the beautiful landscape wasn't our primary reason in visiting Ateneo. We then proceeded to do what we needed to do.

Oops. Not that. We studied. Unfortunately, I was informed by the receptionist in the library that I only had 3 passes for this semester. In order for me to have unlimited library visiting privileges (I feel like I'm at the losing end of a child custody case), I should avail for myself the Ateneo Alumni card, or the Order of the Blue Eagle card, whichever I preferred. I went to the Office of Alumni Relations later on, picking the Ateneo Alumni card, but in the meantime, we studied.

At the end of the day, after a chunk of loss models has been retained in my brain and a chunk of remedial law has been retained in Jel's, we decided to go back home. It would never have occurred to us that we would be taking a detour and meet up with Jack in UP.

We ate dinner at UP, dessert in McDonald's Philcoa, and chatted about life a bit before calling it a night. Jack had his curfew, and we had ours (yeah, right).

Rejuvenation in. Lights out.

A Very Bad Dream, Part II

2007-04-21T05:02:00.000+08:00

...I felt helpless; there was nothing I could do.

This is the continuation of my bad dream.

We were ushered into a carpark, similar to the ones you see in malls. I'm not very clear about this part, but we were given some kind of receptacle that contained a little ball the size of a marble. The instructions stated that we shouldn't drop that little ball, or else we're "out." To make things more difficult, we should do this while we were on a motorcycle. I believe there's a time limit on how long we should be going around the carpark.

One of my other companions, a wild girl, drove the motorcycle so recklessly that she dropped the ball after a few rounds of the carpark. I didn't see what happened next, but I felt the fear of knowing that she was "taken out." My friend from the gunfire incident earlier was with me the whole time. Unfortunately, just as the time was about to run out, she let go of the little ball. It fell to the ground with a resounding clang that drove sharp spikes into my heart. She looked at me, worried, but I felt helpless; there was nothing I could do. I, on the other hand, survived that part. But still, the day of carnage wasn't over. There was still a level 3.

This time, I was led to a corridor that looked suspiciously like the one in Gonzaga in Ateneo. There were 3 rooms, and at the entrance of each room was a lady seated behind a desk. On the wall above each person was a sign. I forget the exact words in the sign, but the general aura I felt was that I'm going to be interviewed. I didn't proceed immediately to the interviewers. I walked past them and proceeded to the comfort room to attend to a call of nature. While walking past the rooms, I peeked inside one of them. I understood right away that these were the survivors of this little game.

Inside the comfort room, I dealt with my minor emergency. When I stepped out of the toilet, I saw James emerge. He was wearing his maroon long-sleeved shirt, tucked into his black pants. (James is my officemate in real life.) He asked me some questions, but I also forget which ones they were. In any case, I don't remember what happened after our conversation. I didn't see myself going through the interview process, I didn't see myself survive the game.

But apparently, despite my dream skipping this portion of the program, I survived. And Adam did too. The next scene found us in a coffeeshop with my Mama in tow. Adam and I were discussing what we felt during "that time," taking care not to mention any of the details to my mother. My mother was curious, nonetheless, but I felt it was safe not to disclose any of it to her. She might get very upset.

And... that's the end of my very bad dream. I didn't want to go back to sleep just as yet, because I don't want to recall the face of that bald man again, so I decided to blog about this first. Among all the levels I've been through in that dream game, the first part was easily the scariest, and easily the one that's bothering me enough for me not to go back to sleepyland again. Especially that bald man. *shivers*

I think I'm going to stop now. You all might think this is just silly, but it's not. Hay. It really distressed me. The terror felt so real, you see. I wonder what all of that meant. I'm sure someone could come up with an interpretation for it.

A Very Bad Dream, Part I

2007-04-21T04:33:00.000+08:00

...the terror I felt... resonates within me until now.

I just had a very bad dream. I am still distressed over it, and the terror that I felt felt so real that it still resonates within me until now. It wasn't even a nightmare in which I couldn't move my body; it was just that-- a very bad dream.

I was in a concert hall with Adam and some other people who I don't recognize. The concert hall was huge, and yet it was filled to capacity. I don't even remember the exact event, but I believe it was a concert of sorts. In any case, on top of the stage was a very striking bald man sporting a suave tuxedo. His face looked pleasant enough. It seems that he was the host of the event.

The bald man spoke to the crowd, announcing that the next act (or the start of the concert, I'm not sure) would start in 90 seconds. I looked around the concert hall, and saw, for the first time, that the doors of the place were pulled down, save for a few, which were only partly pulled down. (These doors looked like the ones in malls, the metal sheets that you had to slide down to lock the store behind them.) At the vicinity of each partly closed door was a guard (normal-looking ones, like security guards). They looked stern. I didn't pay close attention to these details at first, because it was a concert anyway, but I felt a tingle right there and then, at the start of those freaking 90 seconds. By the time it came down to only 30 seconds left, I looked at the guards again and felt more uneasy. I suddenly felt-- no, knew-- that something bad was going to happen, and that it would involve the guards. Terror filled me, and it was cold. I whispered to Adam, "Adam, we should go. Now." However, for some reason, we didn't act on my instinct. So the 90 seconds elapsed with us still in the concert hall.

The host stepped up again and announced: "The concert that you are waiting for will not be happening. Tonight, you will be fighting. You will be fighting for your survival." The pleasant-looking host suddenly shifted to something more menacing. His face was taut, and his eyes looked vacant. It was then that pandemonium arose. Everyone was scrambling to get out of the doors. I told Adam: "We must crawl towards the exit." We started crawling. Amazingly, we didn't get hit by a rampaging stampede. It was apparent that everyone thought it would be wise to crawl, as well.

The gunfire started. The guards were idly firing at the people who were crawling on the ground. I say "idle" because it felt like they were not hitting at anyone in particular, nor did they care that they actually shot someone. They fired, then paused for a while, then fired. How long each pause took was random. Yet people were dying by the second.

Adam and I got separated because he crawled closer to where the open door was, whereas I (and this other girl I don't recognize) decided to take a long cut to the door, far from where the bullets could reach us. Miraculously, we emerged safe. It appeared that the guards don't shoot at the people who have escaped the concert hall. They just concentrated all their efforts to those still in the hall.

Outside the hall, we were met by a row of chairs that have been arranged into a semi-circle. Adam wasn't there yet, so I sat down and waited for him. After several minutes of waiting, Adam hasn't emerged from the door yet. I began to felt scared.

Fortunately, after a few more minutes, he came out, coughing and bent over like he had inhaled a can of smoke. But that wasn't the end of it. There was a level 2 to this game of terror.

[To be continued in next entry.]

Ateneo

2007-04-17T04:54:00.000+08:00

I love the Ateneo. I always will.

If someone were to ask me what the happiest moments in my life are, where they occurred, and when they happened, I would reply, without batting an eyelash, "my days in the Ateneo." I may not have explored every side of me then (God knows I have not foreseen the person that I would become now), but like they say, ignorance is bliss, and there is beauty in simplicity. I was just a young boy who enjoyed the occassional movie, endured the daily struggle against student poverty, and got excited over the prospect of a birthday treat at KFC. Back then, my life of solving math problems, sleeping countless hours in the dorm, and salivating over a bowl of spicy pancit canton was enough. It was a great life. I didn't know it then, but I was contented.

It is then of no wonder that my trip to Ateneo today felt like I was coming home to a very happy place. Each old building had a new story to tell; each new one welcomed me. The air was just as fresh and the fields were just as sprawling. I also went at a time when summer classes have barely started, so the flock of students in the campus made me feel more welcome than I already was. I actually looked like a goof if you were there with me: I was smiling the whole time. I couldn't help it; like I said, it was a very happy place.

How I got there is even an interesting story in itself. I never planned to study for my actuarial exam in the Ateneo. My mind was bent on studying in Starbucks right here in Rockwell. But somehow, I felt like I needed a change of location. I felt the weight of Makati over me, and it hung like a deadly sword. So I went out of the coffee shop, hailed the first empty cab, and told the driver to take me to Ateneo. It was an impulsive decision that I have not regretted.

My senses still feel tingly (if there is such a term) almost 15 hours after that memorable visit. I feel so much more refreshed and relaxed. I still have my problems, I still have my melancholic thoughts, but they're staying in the backseat for now. Or perhaps they'll stay there for a long, long time.

I love the Ateneo. I always will.

Just So You Know

2007-04-11T23:28:00.000+08:00

Just so you know, this feeling's taking control of me...

With the advent of my new iPod, my music library has expanded quite considerably. I am no longer content with just listening to songs that I "accidentally" encounter. Instead, I search for the newest songs out there and download them! I am definitely trying to catch up with the times.

One of the more recent songs I heard (and ultimately loved) was Jesse McCartney's Just So You Know. I've always pegged Jesse as Aaron Carter's competitor, but with this song, he proved me wrong. He is so much more mature than Aaron could ever attempt to be. You know what? The song actually touched me. The beat and the melody may be pop, but the beat and the melody betray the meaning of the song's lyrics. Listen to it, and you'll see what I mean.

You can check out the lyrics below.

I shouldn't love you but I want you
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

I shouldn't love you but I want you
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus:]
Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus]

This emptiness is killing me
And I'm wondering why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I'm waiting here...been waiting here

[Chorus]

Random Ramblings from the King

2007-04-11T01:55:00.000+08:00

I'm going back to work tomorrow.

I'm going back to work tomorrow (or today, it's already 2 AM, but whatever). It's been a fun 6 days' worth of vacation. I just hope I've learned my lessons, whatever these lessons may be.

I'm just babbling here, but please let me. I'm in that melancholic mood again. Everyone's asleep already, so I'm just here, hanging around. I'm about to sleep in awhile. Maybe that's why I'm just randomly writing. I'm making myself sleep.

This is such a pointless post. I can't even say what I have to say.

Like I said to my friend, AA, it's amazing what life throws at you. Curve balls! Or maybe boomerangs. Haha. AA, let's talk! Let's talk talk. I have a lot of things to share. Maybe you can be my psychiatrist or something.

I'm going to work tomorrow. I'm going to work tomorrow. I'm going to work tomorrow.

In every cloud, there is a silver lining
That shines at each arc
That sparkles at each curve
That scintillates at every angle

It shields us from nightmares
And guards our thoughts
So we may not be lost in them
So we may not be caught in them

Of its end and of its beginning
We know not, we see not--
And we do not care
As long as the lining is there

Ah, what mythical god
Held the world on his shoulders
And saw those clouds fly past
In silver flight?

What did he say when he was no stronger?
When he was no brighter?
"I must move faster, soar higher!
I must reach those sparkling lights."

First Entry with Picture

2007-04-10T13:49:00.000+08:00

I wonder how this looks like.

I just wanted to see how an entry would look like with a picture in it. Pictures are such interesting things, no?

In case you're wondering, this is a picture of my study clutter.

ETA: It doesn't look bad, after all. I've been avoiding placing pictures in my entries because I thought it would destroy my magazine-type lay-out, but whatdyaknow? It enhances it just fine. I guess this means more pictures in the future, eh?

E once more TA: Now that I've finished being astounded by the effect of pictures on an entry, I am now going to close the Internet Explorer and make my way to McDo, where I am going to continue studying for my actuarial exam. Ha! Haven't written that in ages!

Thoughts on American Idol: Who's Your Daddy?

2007-04-09T22:23:00.000+08:00

What's your name? Who's your daddy?

There are only a few shows that I get to watch religiously these days, given my studies and my work, both of which take so much of my entertainment time. "Few," in fact, would already be a vast exaggeration, as I fervently watch only 2: American Idol 6 and The Amazing Race All-Stars. These two programs have me in their grip. I cannot miss an episode, I cannot wait days to watch the replay, and most especially, I CANNOT BE SPOILERED. So if you guys are planning to send me a text message that contains who got booted out or who eventually won the race, please don't. If you do, I will personally reach into your gut and pull out your colon.

*fans hands towards face* HUH. Now that that's out of the way, here are my thoughts on this year's remaining contestants on American Idol. (Order matters, by the way. Personal faves are on top; hellraisers, bottom.)

1. Blake. My man Blake is my bet to win it all. While he may not be the best vocally, he is the person to beat in terms of charisma and style. He is such an appealing singer. He delivers something new week after week after week. After seasons of having winners that looked like they came from the same cookie jar (Fantasia excluded, but God, I really didn't like her), I'm now ready to root for someone different, someone preppy, someone contemporary. Blake, do me proud!

2. Melinda. Vocals: Unique. Controlled. Flawless. Technically, she is perfect in every way. The good thing about it is that she's not holding back; she really lets it loose during crunch time. This is truly an American Idol in the making. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if I want a big-voiced black girl to win this one. I guess I'm just waiting for that one jawdropping performance from her (think Katharine McPhee's Somewhere Over the Rainbow). In any case, my bet among all the females.

3. Jordin. Amazing. After all that talk about not being able to like this girl, I'm placing her in third place. I guess, among all the others, she's the next best thing after Blake and Melinda. She's young and she's not old-fashioned. There's also something very refreshing about her when she sings. But then again, she's a big-voiced black girl. I'm really getting tired of all the belting. I know that you tough girls can sing... but what else? I wish she'd do something similar to her Hey Baby performance, but one without the awkward copycatting.

4. Chris R. It's funny how I'm basing my ranking on how different the singer is as compared to the previous American Idol winners. Uniqueness is not everything (vocals also matter, Sanjaya), but it is a big something. Take, for instance, Chris R. While I've grown increasingly irritated by the way his singing sounds when he's picking the wrong type of song, I know that, given the proper song choices, he's going to make it big. He can easily be packaged as a pop star, for one, and with the Justin Timberlake resemblance, it's definitely hard to miss.

5. Haley. Give me naughty, baby! =) With this girl, it's definitely all about the packaging. If she keeps up with the Britney-esque moves and the better-than-Britney-esque vocals, I might just root for her more than Chris R!

6. Lakisha. Among the three big-voiced black girls remaining in the competition, she's the one that least appeals to me. There's nothing quite special about her, except that she has excellent range and almost-perfect vocals. After that fact... eh. Nothing else. I mean, why can't we have a big-voiced white girl in the show for once, someone like Christina Aguilera? Or a small-voiced black girl, someone like Beyonce?

7. Phil. He lacks charisma. He has very good vocals, better than Blake even, but in this show, good vocals are just not good enough. You have to be sellable and unique. Unfortunately, Phil is neither of these two.

8. Sanjaya. I'm not yet at the point where I'm throwing furniture at my television just because he's still there. Why? Because I saw Clay's season. In that season, there is a girl named Carmen Rasmussen who is even worse off in singing than Sanjaya. She's like a goat, for crying out loud, and she made it all the way to Top 6. So basically, she's my benchmark for singers who shouldn't be in the Top 12 in the first place. Once Sanjaya breaches the Top 6 mark, the computer chair will be the first to go.

That's it for now. Thoughts on The Amazing Race, next!

How Well Do You Know Me?

2007-04-09T01:50:00.000+08:00

Let's play a game...

Since the post before this is one about self-rediscovery, I want you guys to play a little Kerwin self-rediscovery game for me. This game tests how well you know me. All you need to do is to choose from the five choices listed under each question. There are 10 questions all in all, so please don't go through the answers if you haven't responded to all 10 yet.

Now, I've tried my best not to include questions that only people from a certain era in my life would know. However, this type of question may have easily slipped in. So if you get a low score, please don't blame yourself, blame me for asking the wrong questions. Hee.

So, everyone ready? Grab a pencil and a sheet of paper and let's begin! =)

1. Imagine Kerwin studying for his actuarial exam in Starbucks, hunched over his notes with a look of extreme concentration on his face. Which among the following will be the most successful in tearing his attention away from his review?

a an offer of ham and cheese croissant + venti-sized mocha frappe, all for free
b his phone ringing, Papa calling
c a lively discussion on why Heroes V is the best turn-based game EVAH
d spoiler news that his favorites in the Amazing Race have been eliminated
e what? nothing can take Kerwin away from a mathematics review

2. Kerwin's getting ready to order in Jollibee. Given that he hasn't started his diet yet, what would most likely be the food that he's going to say to the Jollibee counter person?

a YumBurger Mushroom & Cheese, large fries, large Coke
b 2-piece Burger Steak, dalandan juice, extra rice
c large Arroz Cubana Value Meal, large Coke
d Regular ChickenJoy, regular Coke, Swirly Bitz
e Spicy ChickenJoy, large Coke, Pizzamelt Pie

3. Which of the following discussion groups is Kerwin most likely to be actively participating in?

a Stephen King
b life on other planets
c the debate on evolution vs. creation
d Harry Potter
e ABS-CBN shows

4. Aside from Mathematics, what other subject in college interested Kerwin greatly?

a Biology
b Literature/English
c History
d Filipino
e Theology and Philosophy

5. Kerwin is going out with his friends to watch a movie. One friend suggests that they eat at a restaurant first, then go to the movie. Another friend suggests seeing the movie first, then eating after. Three questions: what would Kerwin do, what restaurant will he want to eat in, and what movie will he want to see?

a movie, then restaurant; movie: Titanic; restaurant: Tokyo Tokyo
b restaurant, then movie; movie: Saw III; restaurant: Chef 'd Angelo
c movie, then restaurant; movie: Fast and the Furious; restaurant: the mall's food court
d restaurant, then movie; movie: Babel; restaurant: Kamayan
e movie, then restaurant; movie: White Chicks; restaurant: Jollibee

6. Kerwin gets his bonus. What would be the first thing that he's going to do?

a shop for clothes and shoes
b remit some money to his parents
c buy some accessories for the computer
d pay the debts
e eat at a favorite restaurant with friends

7. What event in Kerwin's academic life disappointed him the most?

a not being able to place in the team division of the Philippine Math Olympiad
b not being able to graduate Salutatorian in high school
c not being able to pass the interview for a scholarship in Singapore
d not being able to write a thesis during his fourth year in college
e not being able to graduate Cum Laude in college

8. Kerwin can sometimes be unpredictable in what he wants to do, and what he is able to do. Which of the following activities will Kerwin want to probably engage in?

a bungee jumping
b skydiving
c white water rafting
d rock climbing
e ramp skateboarding

9. Kerwin is a pretty irritable person. Which of the following people will get him worked up easily?

a the obnoxious guy who couldn't stop talking bragging about himself
b the bitchy girl who would constantly ignore him
c the bully who would torment him with little acts of torture
d the freak who wouldn't stop hinting at and insinuating "facts" about Kerwin
e the friend who would use every passive-aggressive tactic to make him feel bad about himself

10. This one's pretty easy. Which of the following events NEVER happened to Kerwin?

a His father sent a love letter Kerwin wrote in high school to the Youngblood column of Inquirer.
b His brother analyzed him without his knowledge for his paper in Psychology.
c His furious mother chased him around the neighborhood with a broom in her hands.
d His father made him swear never to lie again with his right palm on the Bible, just like a witness taking oath on the stand.
e His mother accidentally poured hot oil on his thigh when he was still in grade school.

Okay, you're done! Click on the link below to see your scores for each question.

1. a = 5, b = 8, c = 10, d = 4, e = 0
2. a = 6 b = 4 c = 0, d = 8 e = 10
3. a = 9, b = 8, c = 6, d = 1, e = 10
4. a = -5, b = 9, c = 3, d = 0, e = 10
5. a = 7, b = 10, c = 0, d = 4, e = 6
6. a = 7, b = 8, c = 6, d = 10, e = 4
7. a = 1, b = 7, c = 10, d = 0, e = 5
8. a = 10, b = 7, c = 2, d = 1, e = 0
9. a = 2, b = 3, c = 6, d = 10, e = 9
10. a = 0, b = 0, c = 0, d = 0, e = 10

Add them all up, and see how you do! =) A score of 70 and above should indicate that you, dear friend, really do know me! (Or you're just really good at guessing.) Like I said, a low score shouldn't be indicative of something negative. In any case, thanks for participating, and scores in the comments, please!

To Be a Better Man

2007-04-08T23:02:00.000+08:00

I am a changed man, and I am not liking it.

I have had a hard time writing this entry. There's a point I want to say, but I just can't figure out how to do it. Then I realize I'm just trying to be grammatical and coherent again. There's really no need to create a "perfect" intro to this one. It's just as simple as this:

I am a changed man, and I am not liking it.

I am not liking the way I look at myself, the way I think of other people, the way I treat my friends and loved ones, the way I handle my problems, the way I cope with really difficult situations, the way I deal with the past, the way I approach life in general. This is not me 9 years ago. This is not me 6 years ago. Heck, this isn't even me 2 years ago.

But then, the human spirit is a resilient force. There comes a point when it gets tired of all the drama, the envy, and the pain. It learns to withstand further stress. It learns to adapt. It learns to compromise. And I am in that situation right now. I am negotiating with myself to make myself a better man. With the help of those who love me, care for me, and believe in me, I am going to get there. Like an angel with wings spread wide, I am going to soar on greater heights, in higher flight.

I am going to get there.

And with that, I'm back.

All Good Things Must Come to An End

2007-01-13T04:23:00.000+08:00

All good things must come to an end.

And of all days... today.

I'm not sure how to proceed.

Almost There

2007-01-07T22:05:00.000+08:00

...almost there.

Hey, you.

You're almost there. The first part is done and over with, and I'm happy about how things turned out. Thank you for doing what you've done. It meant a lot to me. Now, the second part is an easy one. It's all about the setting. It's all about the timing. It's all about the mood.

But I'm sure you have this covered by now, right? :)

The Start of All Things Happy

2007-01-07T21:11:00.000+08:00

2007 is shaping up to be one of my favorite years ever.

2007 is shaping up to be one of my favorite years ever. I don't know if this is just an illusion, given how much my 2006 sucked, but I would like to believe that this year is awesome as it is.

Seemingly proving my point, I received two awesome news this morning. The first news involved my brother, Kenneth. One of the reasons why Kenneth visited me this holiday break instead of me going back home to celebrate Christmas with them was because my parents wanted me to introduce Kenneth to Manila culture. Kenneth is soon to become a college freshman here in Manila, and given his "innocence" (nyakers), we wanted, as much as possible, to make his transition from Davao to Manila life as less stressful as possible. Of course, all these preparations would be for naught if Kenneth didn't pass the Ateneo or UP entrance exams. Well, guess what? The ACET results are in, and my brother passed. Yebah! Never had I doubted Kenneth's chances, but still, it's nice to see the "ACCEPTED" mark written beside his name. Wee!

The second piece of awesome news involved one of my wish list items. One of my earlier entries below had this written: And en route from the United States (I'm getting ahead of myself here, writing down what has not yet happened, but what the heck, I'm going to risk disappointment anyway) is my red iPod Nano! Again, guess what? Brian didn't disappoint. Brian soared above all expectations. My new iPod Nano is indeed on its way from New York City, and it's bound to arrive here in Manila by Wednesday or Thursday this week. Whew! Talk about having a blast! I'm so excited to see this beautiful gadget!

Life can be truly amazing sometimes. After beating me black and blue last year, it's now bringing me sunflowers in wooden little baskets, and making me ride the pink unicorns for free!

A Post About Sports? What?

2007-01-04T22:50:00.000+08:00

Sweat. Aching arms. Exhaustion and tiredness.

I'm too tired to write a long post, but I just want to say this: I just played badminton and JOGGED. For real. Sweat. Aching arms. Exhaustion and tiredness. I have more thoughts, but my body is screaming for me to get out of the MOTHERF-ING CHAIR AND TAKE THIS POOR LITTLE PIECE OF MEAT BACK ON THE BED WHERE IT BELONGS.

I'm not going to be able to work tomorrow. I can feel it.

Pity the fool.

One Final Thought for the Night

2007-01-03T01:20:00.000+08:00

*sigh*

Hay, buhay.

That is all. Bow.

Material Boy

2007-01-02T21:39:00.000+08:00

...after 21 expensive cups of coffee, I have reached the end...

Look at my wish list at the left side of this blog! One of the wishes written there has "wee!" written beside it. This means that the item is already in my possession! WEE! I'm so glad I've finally managed to complete my Starbucks Sticker Sheet. I failed to complete it last year, and it quite saddened me. This year, however, after 21 expensive cups of coffee, I have reached the end of the road! And I just love the awesome leather-bound piece of work! This is just a great way to start the new year. (I would like to thank Kenneth, Chris, Joanne, and Adam for contributing to the completion of this seemingly impossible task. I'm sure Toj would disagree, the crazy girl [lagot ka kay Kenneth-- the other Kenneth] 4 stickers away from her third planner.)

And en route from the United States (I'm getting ahead of myself here, writing down what has not yet happened, but what the heck, I'm going to risk disappointment anyway) is my red iPod Nano! I already learned how to send money to Brian in the states (Western Union rocks!), so it's only a matter of time before the amazing gadget gets here. Thanks Brian! You're the best, pal!

And in other money-down-the-drain news, I bought a Girbaud wallet. I was buying Christmas gifts for my family-- wait... there's a cockroach, I can't type yet. [few moments later] God, I just hate those nasty little critters. Anyway, just like I said, I was buying Christmas gifts for my family. Next on my shopping list was my older brother, who wanted a Girbaud wallet. I found it quite easily, but then I got distracted by how appealing their wallets looked. I was successfully enticed by the "quality" of the products, needless to say. And the discounted prices only fueled my desire to have one of those fine thingies. In the end, I bought two. My only consolation right now is that 1) the wallet is just a wonder to behold; and 2) it was on sale. Haha. Excuses, excuses.

Now I'm poor. Huhuhu! Dell's forever!

Three Kings

2007-01-02T20:21:00.000+08:00

...it's not just a coincidence, but something more.

It's amazing. I'm inclined to believe that it's not just a coincidence, but something more. But I'm also doubtful if my father actually thought of all these. The gap between the ages is just too far apart, and besides, I've been told that my godmother gave my father my name. Anyway, before anyone starts complaining they're beginning to feel out of place, here's what happened.

I was doing one of my year-end entries for my blog when my brother Kenneth mentioned that his name, Roy, actually also meant "king." I didn't believe him. Ray, from the Spanish "rey," meant "king." But he insisted. So we went to this site, and we found out, unsurprisingly, that Ray does mean "kingly" or "royal," but then we also discovered (to Kenneth's glee) that Roy does mean "king"! Amazing. We then joked that our older brother's name, Ryan, could not possibly mean "king," but what do you know? Ryan means "little king"! My brother and I stared at each other and laughed our asses off. Who would have thunk it? We couldn't believe that our parents actually meant for that to happen, so we just chalked it up to coincidence. It's just utterly surreal, though. Until now, I keep telling those who are willing to listen how great this discovery is. And it only took us 15 years to find out.

Year-End Series: Plans, Plans, Plans

2006-12-31T23:59:00.000+08:00

Year-End Series

Now, we've come to the last part of my Year-End Series. After describing some of my pet peeves and pet loves; after revealing both thankful and tactless thoughts on the most prominent people in my life during 2006; and after providing a short but comprehensive summary of the year that was, it's now time to disclose what my plans for the future are. I'll try to be specific as possible, and I'll try to write down resolutions for each aspect of my life. Here they are:

Work:

1. Never work on a Sunday again. It's only fun when you're in the company of friends. Even then, there's that nagging feeling that you guys shouldn't be having fun in the midst of work: you guys should be having fun outside it.

2. Avoid coming in on a Saturday. There are ways of not having to work on weekends, I'm pretty sure. And I'm also pretty sure that I haven't done all of these ways.

3. Be home by 8 PM. I'm not saying that I should leave the office by 8-- I should be home by 8. This means that I should be out of the office by 6 to 7. I will only stay longer if 1) there's a project that needs to be rushed, and 2) this project cannot be done at home. Like I said, there are ways of not having to extend my stay in the office.

4. Reduce chatting time. I have reason to believe that the chatroom is where much of my lost productivity goes. Cutting down on the virtual talk can very well be the key in accomplishing more during the 8 hours allotted to work.

5. Speed up on the studies. Slack not, human! Think faster, but also think better. This is the hardest part to change about work, but I will try. I will really try.

Lifestyle:

1. Eat less. Continue with the fish and seafood "diet". I have accomplished much in 2006 when I cut down my rice intake from 2 cups to 1. Unfortunately, what I lost in rice I gained in everything else. Haha. Now that I know the eating ways of the Actuarial Division, I would adapt accordingly.

2. Find a physical activity to engage in. Chris suggests badminton with Paul. Despite my limited motor skills, I can do that, I think. Jogging (like what Jel has started to do) is difficult, given my 830 schedule. Getting a gym pass will only be worth it if someone tags along. I wouldn't want to do all the exercises alone. That would probably be a ticket to embarrassment.

3. Sleep earlier. Now that I'm vowing to go home earlier, I have no excuse to sleep later. If I get my early rest, I then have no excuse of arriving late at work. I then will have ample time to prepare myself psychologically for the rest of the day.

4. Spend less, save more. I'm not sure I can cut down on the money spent on taxis. Oops. I can cut down on food, I think. And on coffee (once I get my Starbucks planner). Hay, this is such a difficult resolution. But like any other resolution, I would have to try.

5. Another reason why Lifestyle resolution #4 is so difficult to achieve. Perhaps I should strike it out now. Haha. Resolution #5: look good. This is simply a vanity thing. Buy better-fitting clothes. Buy clothes! Buy shoes that fit. Buy shoes! Smell good, look good, feel good. Toj has an idea, and perhaps I can adopt it here: risk more. Like what she says in her blog, "Trying new things everyday isn't so bad at all." I concur.

6. Read more about current events. Subscribe to Time or Newsweek or Reader's Digest. I've started this year by reading outside my usual brand of fiction (Stephen King and his posse), and I've found it to be quite satisfying. Especially the nonfiction kind. They say truth is stranger than fiction, and perhaps I can delve into those literary pieces, as well.

Personal Relationships:

1. Be nicer to others. Not in the passive sense, but in the active one. Go out of my way to make people feel better about themselves. I'm not going to plan Any Big Thing, but just little acts of kindness. Like what most self-help books would say, "A Little Deed Goes A Long Way."

2. Be meaner to others. Yes, meaner to others who deserve the meanness. This year, I have no plans of being trampled upon again. I'm sure this is quite difficult, the most difficult one to implement among all my resolutions, primarily because who I am is innate to me. I've grown this personality for 22 years, and a sudden shift to the "dark side" is going to take some time. But whatever. After all I've been through in 2006, I cannot honestly say I haven't changed.

Those are my plans for 2007. Even now, I'm sure I won't be able to accomplish all of them. But optimistic am I. This is for my own good, why shouldn't I attempt to make myself better, right?

Right.

Have a very merry 2007, everyone! :)

Year-End Series: The Year 2006 in Review

2006-12-31T20:02:00.000+08:00

Year-End Series

Let me just say it aloud, right here at the onset: 2006 sucked. But then again, I'm getting ahead of myself, and already generalizing. Here's a short summary of the year, month by month.

January: Received news that I passed Course FM after months of anticipation. I got a 17 over 25 in a test that had 18 as its previous passing mark. I was on the bubble for weeks, and when the results came, I was happy as hell. Started studying for Course M, having heard the future Actuarial Idol's performance on the exam.

Also: my phone got stolen on the 2nd of January. My 5-year old phone, my gift from my high school graduation, the phone I've learned to love, got nabbed by a thief inside our boarding house room. The freaking phone was just beside me on the bed. Tsk tsk. Maybe it was nature's way of saying, "Replace that ancient gadget." In any case, because of the kindness of Joey's mom, I got a new phone, the Sony Walkman 550i, during the last week of January.

February: Weeks of studying at work interrupted when the big guns from Hong Kong arrived. Company projects were given. I was shipped off to PELAC. Transportation became so much less of a burden. Met new friends.

March: Continued secret project in PELAC. First experienced going home beyond 6 PM because of work. Moreover, also first experienced the wonders of vomiting induced by consuming unrealistic amounts of alcohol. The pressure of MAP graduation began to be felt by everyone.

April: I am not sure if anything happened during this month. I studied more for Course M, I guess. Ah, wait. First met Mr. Centeno in a meeting with Ms. Jess, Ms. Avic, and Steve Clark. It then dawned on me that these were my future bosses. I grew more excited about the transference.

May: Everything was set. I was told I would be going to Actuarial. That was happy news. The MA Program was over. That was sad news. We were told about our final destinations: some were happy, some were satisfied, others became depressed. To keep ourselves intact, and to keep our friendship whole, we went to Ange's resthouse in Pililla. Site of the now infamous Jacuzzi. Surely, these were great times. And then, graduation. Sad times once again.

And oh. I took the Course M exam. Difficult. The PAK scores, however, pushed me to be optimistic.

June: Entered Actuarial. It was a wonderful transference, to say the least. I believe, among the 8 of us in MAP, I had the easiest time adjusting to post-MAP depression. Must be the people who were in the department. Several of them were within spitting distance from my age, and a notable few made my first few days very pleasant. Had my first videoke session. Went to Batangas with them on my first week, got drunk, and slept.

Work-wise, I suddenly felt inadequate. My Excel skills, which in MAP I thought were good enough, could not even compare to the rest. I questioned my own ability to learn what others have learned; I became quite insecure. I first became appalled at myself during the time that I accomplished only one bullet point for the day. I shared these insecurities to my other MA friends, and they felt the same way. I felt better, knowing that we were all struggling. It wasn't me, it must be the newness of the jobs.

I became fatter. At the end of the month, I have gained more than ten pounds.

I received my bonus. I invested in PAMI and saved in China Bank.

July: Such an interesting month. And perhaps the month that triggered all the other months that followed.

First worked on a Saturday. I was quite proud of it during that time. I'm sure it was not necessary to work on a Saturday at that point, but I did. Just to test the waters, so to speak.

And speaking of testing the waters... this was the month of knowing. This was the month of discovering. The discoveries were a result of a straightforward question, and a test that eventually paid off. The repercussions were extreme, to say the least, but these could be told another time. The important thing is: it all happened in July.

But wait, there's more! I learned that I passed the Course M exam. Yebah! Unfortunately, due to some pressing deadlines, I was not able to study for Course C right away. What a very bad decision.

But wait, there's more!

There was four.

August: My birthday! I turned 22. I didn't realize it at that time, chalking it up to melancholy, but I was already on the verge of the biggest depression of my entire life. The question playing on my mind right now is this: if I knew in advance what would happen, would I have been able to stop it?

September: Heartbreak. Hardships. Despair. Depression. A temporary reprieve in the form of a vacation. Karmic retribution. Kerwin, interrupted. Kerwin, lost. Bouts of self-pity. Bouts of self-hate. The worst month of my entire life. And I'm not exaggerating.

John Mayer in Comfortable: "Can't remember, what went wrong last September; though I'm sure you'd remind me, if you had to. Our love was, comfortable and... so broken in..."

Green Day in Wake Me Up When September Ends: "The innocent can never last... wake me up, when September ends."

October: The time of recovery. I learned to expand my horizons to include other people. I learned to become more conscious about myself. This, I believe, was the time when I became more vain. If I were to put an exact month on those initial moments of vanity, it would be October.

In other news, I started to fear more about my Course C exam.

November: Took the Course C exam, got a 22, one less than the usual passing mark. And with that, I returned once again to the time when I just finished the Course FM exam. I was on the bubble once again, with weeks of nail-biting anticipation ahead of me. If I pass, then I would be promoted to Actuarial Associate. If I don't pass, then I would have to endure the new exam syllabus, as well as the utter humiliation I would be taking from my own self.

On a more personal note, I learned that some people suck. Just when I was recovering, someone comes along to aggravate the wounds. It's not the person's fault, not really, but I can't help but think that it could all have been avoided. I couldn't believe I almost plunged into depression again!

December: Spent half of this month organizing the Actuarial Christmas party. It ended a little below my expectations, but I think we managed it well.

In other news, this was the month of shocking changes. The most "abrupt" month, if that even makes sense. It bothered me a little, but then I got over it. I learned to accept things as they were, and not make a big fuss over them. To help me achieve this, I adopted the mantra: "Be nice, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." This helped me in feeling happiness I haven't felt for some time. Being good is good.

-------------------------------

As you can see, 2006 was bad, but it wasn't devastatingly bad. I managed to recover from the mid-year crisis I underwent. Of course, the remnants of that time are still with me; I doubt if these embers will ever fade. I'm not one to complain, though. Perhaps it's good that I have these experiences with me, to help me become a better person, to help me become a better man. In the future, I may be able to look at that time in my life and feel, not a stinging sense of regret and sadness, but a refreshing sense of having grown as a person, of having learned from my stupid mistakes.

Here's to a happier 2007! :)

Next up in the Year-End Series: Plans, Plans, Plans.

Year-End Series: Things I Want to Say to People

2006-12-31T17:24:00.000+08:00

Year-End Series

Joey is famous for this, but what the heck, I'm going to be a copycat. The rules remain the same: below are thirteen heartfelt messages I want to say to people. I won't disclose who I'm addressing these messages to, and I won't disclose how many people are actually involved (that is, it's not necessarily one-to-one). You'll just need to figure it all out. :)

1. I don't like you that much. I feel like this space is better reserved for someone I do like, but I just have to release this venom out. Perhaps it's the condescension. Perhaps it's that fucking knowing look you have, feeling like you have something on me. Well guess what? You don't.

2. You're unique in the sense that, among all of you, you are the only one who knows. And I'm not really surprised at the way you took care of me when I was at my lowest low. You used your words. Given your power of eloquent speech, you moved me to move on. You gave me the impression that you understood. You empathized with me. For that, and for so much more, I thank you. I'm glad that you're my confidant.

3. I have mixed emotions about you. Until now, I still don't understand what it is that I truly feel. So many things have happened since we met: there was a point when I wanted to hate you, but I couldn't. There was a point when I wanted to love you, but I wouldn't. You have made things certainly more complicated. For better or for worse, I don't know. Given the way my life is going, it seems like it's for worse. But let's see in 2007. Things may change.

4. That previous entry about UPR's? I was thinking of you (and one other person) when I wrote that. If you recall, you responded to my plea of help. I should have known you are the type of person who would do things like that to your friends. You don't know how happy I was when I got to receive your messages. And you did it not only once, but twice, using different means. Rock on, my friend. Continue making a difference in people's lives.

5. I know I've written this somewhere before. My feelings about you are as tumultuous as a roaring river, and as twisted as a roller coaster. From adoration, I moved to nervousness, then to dislike, then to downright hate, then to dislike, then to "love", then to nonchalance, then to dislike, then back to nonchalance, and now... I might actually be starting to warm up again! Amazing. We might actually become friends again!

6. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve every bad thing you've experienced from me.

7. There are moments when I think that you're an unappreciative brat. But one look at the written word and I realize that maybe there's more to this "ingratitude" than meets the eye. I shouldn't be too quick to judge. Now I understand that you really do care about what we have done for you. It's a good thing my perception has changed, because I don't want to add to the misery you're currently experiencing. I'm just here if you need me, like always. Again, I'm sorry for reading too much into your indifference.

8. Office life wouldn't be the same without you. This is true in every sense. Thank you for being there for me; I appreciate the friendship. I'm sorry if I entered your life in ways that modified it to great lengths. I mean this apology, and I hope you accept it.

9. When asked what it was I thought about you, I gave a response that surprised you. I'm sure you know what I said then was true. I myself could testify to the lengths you would take to make a friend feel special. And I have been a recipient of your well-intentioned efforts. Thank you for welcoming me. Thank you for making me feel I belong. (By the way, you're the other person I thought of when I wrote the UPR entry below.)

10. At last! That is all I can say. At last! Here's to a love-laden and love-filled 2007!

11. You suck. Haha. Well, not really. Well, maybe. You suck. I don't know what it is about you that caught my attention in the first place. Admittedly, you're cute, and you're quite charming, but those shouldn't have been enough for you to affect me like that. I know you didn't lead me on, but still... couldn't you be more direct about it? I'm glad that phase of my life is over. It lasted much longer than it should. Nyakers.

12. Your concern for others is quite amazing. I can't fathom how someone could be so dedicated in helping others. But I'm not one to complain. Without you, I would have long been discovered as the dumbass I really am. With you, I have learned to grow as a person, in more ways than the professional one. There are a lot of things I still want to say about you, but I limited it to the most impressive one. The rest can be seen in your Friendster testimonial, which is soon to follow.

13. Last but not the least. Definitely not the least. You know I've always mentioned how difficult it is to write something about you. You now might think differently, given that I have actually written something about you, but the truth still stands: it's hard to describe someone who has been perfect in almost every way. How can I justify how kind, how caring, how thoughtful you have been... how selfless you remain until now? I simply cannot. Let me then just say: Thank you. I'm so lucky to have met you. I'm looking forward to many more years of friendship. :)

Thank goodness, the messages are done! That took some time. Hee. Please feel free to speculate on who these people are. It would take a very brilliant mind (or someone very, very close to me) to figure out all 13. Don't send me any messages asking who number 6 is or if you're on the list. Rules are rules, people.

Next up in the Year-End Series: The Year 2006 in Review.

Year-End Series: Good Boy/Mean Boy

2006-12-31T05:37:00.000+08:00

Year-End Series

I have decided to write a 4-part series of blog entries to mark the end of the hideous 2006, and the start of what I hope will be a better 2007. To start things off, let me begin with a list of things I loved and hated in two-oh-oh-six, and will probably still love and hate in two-oh-oh-seven.

Pet Peeves

1. People who smoke while walking in public. For some reason, it is only this year that I found this to be extremely annoying. And for some reason, it is only in UN, just after my morning commute, that this happens. Trekking the road from Taft to the office has become quite an obstacle course; in the end, I feel like I haven't showered at all. I suggest a punishment that requires using the offender's face as an ashtray.

2. Commuting. Now that I've mentioned it, it is also in 2006 that I learned to hate commuting. Why, oh why is it so hard to get a decent FX in the morning? Why, oh why is it so hard to get a cab in UN? Why, oh why do I need to squish and grind with other people in the MRT and LRT? (See Hate entry #3 below.) Why, oh why do I feel like taking a shower again when I take the jeep to work? Why, oh why isn't there a direct route from Guadalupe to UN? Why do routes have to stop at Pedro Gil? Can't they drive a little bit farther, like, one station away?

3. People invading my personal bubble. That is, people who bump and grind into me while I'm out there walking in the street or grabbing the poles in the MRT and LRT. I feel slighted everytime someone bumps me while I'm walking. I'm pretty sure it's not intentional, but can't people make a conscious effort to avoid other people? Isn't there what David Hume calls convention? Hay. Back off, people! Back off!

4. Being late. This may come as a surprise, but I hate being late. It absolutely wrecks the beginning of my day when I come in late. I am a firm believer of psychological readiness, and everytime I'm tardy, I just entirely miss preparing myself for the day ahead. Result? Grumpiness that lasts the whole morning. The weird thing about all this is that, back when I was still an MA, I had no problems with tardiness. Hmmm...

5. One-line text messages. Haha. This is a minor pet peeve that has the ability to grow into a major irritation. Please try to squeeze in more words in your messages. Please don't be satisfied with a one-line-- or worse, one-word-- SMS. First, it makes me feel as though you haven't put too much thought in composing. Second, it makes me feel as though I'm not worth the extra words. Third, sayang ang piso mo, dude. And while you're at it, please add a smiley, just so I know you're not mad at me. I'm paranoid that way.

Whew. That was easier than I thought. Now, for the hard part:

Pet Loves

1. Getting in a Crosswind FX or a cab with leather seats. At rare times like these, I feel like the world is at peace with me again. I just love the feeling of being able to ride such a wonderful and fabulous public utility vehicle. Never mind the traffic-- in the first place, it has never been a pet peeve, and in the second place, what's there to worry when you're having such a luxurious ride? Better prolong the bliss, right?

2. Chris and Nicole. And, to a lesser extent, DJ Mo. The radio programs of these two sets of personalities never fail to intrigue me or bring a smile to my face. Jologs na kung jologs. We have to take happiness whenever we can find it, no matter how embarrassing. More power to Christsuper, Nicolegiala, and the Forbidden Questions of DJ Mo! Here's to another year of suppressed laughter and surprise.

3. Unsolicited Positive Reinforcement. UPR, for short; morale boosters, in other words. By definition, UPR's are unexpected kind or encouraging words received by someone from his friends, acquaintances, or even total strangers. No matter what the intention of the sender, the effect must be the same: a sudden boost of happiness, a sudden jolt in life. Given this, it's not surprising to know how much I love these UPR's. There's nothing like an unexpected text message or Friendster testimonial to really make my day.

4. Terms of endearment. Aben, Abs, Bansy, Boks, Kelwin, Ker, Kerwinette, Kerwit, Wing, Wing-Wing. It's not called terms of "endearment" for nothing. These words silently say to me: "I like you, and I'm letting you know. I just don't want to be too obvious about it." Of course, I might be too presumptuous. At the very least, calling me by these names tells me that you still respect me enough to address me by my real identity. (Hee. It's so hard justifying such a shallow source of momentary glee.)

5. Getting that perfect picture. I'm in a quest to find the perfect picture angle. More often than not, I fail to achieve this. It's quite "fulfilling," however, when I feel like I've got it, when I feel that the picture captured one of my handsome moments. Like I said in my Friendster account, 2006 is my year for vanity, so I'm more conscious about these things. And it's nice to receive affirmation.

I'll stop now before people start throwing tomatoes at me. Hee.

Next up in the Year-End Series: Things I Want to Say to People.

Revamp

2006-12-31T05:04:00.000+08:00

It seems auspicious, somehow.

Frequent readers of this blog, viewers of my Multiply, and stalkers in Friendster will surely recognize that I have revamped almost everything about these sites. The reason for these changes is simple: it's a new year, and I want to greet it with a new interface. It just seems auspicious, somehow.

The more observant ones will notice that there is a running theme in all three web sites: the earth colors. I have adopted a color scheme that I find to be pleasant to the eyes. Before the sudden emergence of my need to expand on my clothing options (in other words, before vanity), my shirts were almost always earthy in color. They were plain and safe more often than not.

That time of safety in fashion is long gone now, but the pleasantness of the earth hues remains. Other than that, this was the only template in Blogger that I found to be reasonably attractive, so when I adopted it, I decided to use the colors present in the template to my other sites. And so we now have a running theme.

And so we now have a major revamp. Enjoy!

An Open Letter of Death

2006-12-03T02:06:00.000+08:00

This is NOT a suicide note.

Disclaimer: This is NOT a suicide note.

Given the way things are going, I think someone out there wants me dead.

I'm serious. Maybe when a certain somebody texted, "magpapakamatay na niyan si ker," she was right. Not for the reasons she might be thinking, oh no. I've already written a post about that, and I wouldn't go as far as killing myself for it. Quite the opposite, in fact. I have no intention of hanging myself on a noose just because of someone else's richly deserved good fortune. Please. But maybe the end result is the same, and everyone, not solely limited to that girl, is going to have his or her own opinion regarding the real reason for my death. And no one could really dispute anyone else's claim or opinion. I would be the only one to know, and that would be quite unfortunate, wouldn't it? So here I am blogging, just to make sure everyone understands what I'm NOT killing myself for, given that scenario wherein I do kill myself.

I AM NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF BECAUSE OF LOVE, OR LACK THEREOF. While it has been a very, very, very humbling experience to be rejected at worst or to receive lukewarm treatment at best, it is not enough of a driving force to push myself over the edge. I am not as much of a fantastic person as I once thought, and while this is hard to accept, it is to be expected. I'm too full of myself. But I love myself too much to commit suicide simply because I don't get any reciprocation. And I just combined two thoughts in a single paragraph and it utterly destroyed any semblance of coherence, but I don't care because this is the suicide note that isn't.

So everyone clear on that one? I am not going to kill myself for love, or my lack thereof.

If ever I do find time to drink cyanide or OD on sleeping pills or jump on top of a 20-storey building, I'm going to do it because I FEEL ALONE. I FEEL LONELY. I am not going to say that I AM ALONE or I AM LONELY, because, shockingly enough, despite my (1) flair for dramatics; (2) lack of sensitivity or thoughtfulness; (3) selfishness; and (4) constant regression into mood swings and self-pity, people actually do care for me. I can name a lot of people whose hearts are reaching out to me this very instant just by reading this very entry. And I thank you. I thank you very much. Without you, the thought of suicide would become so much more appealing. But then, that's that. I may not be alone, but I feel alone. I may not be lonely, but I feel lonely. I guess I have come to a point where I cannot be reached.

This brings to mind What Dreams May Come, one of my most favorite movies of all time. I bring this up because I can relate to Robin Williams's wife in that film. In that film, the wife committed suicide. As a result, her soul was banished to purgatory/hell (I can't remember which). When Robin Williams, then in a quest to reunite his family in the afterlife, went to rescue her, he immediately found out that his wife no longer recognized him. She had gone to a place so deep that no one could reach her.

Maybe I'm in that place. And what's worse, I have no Robin Williams to save me.

(Okay. So you might be thinking that I'm contradicting myself. "I'm not going to commit suicide because of love," so I say, and yet I also say that "I have no Robin Williams to save me." But I think the distinction should be clear on this one. I am NOT going to kill myself because of LACK OF LOVE; I am going to do it (if ever) because I FEEL LONELY. WHAT'S WORSE (meaning: not the primary concern, but an aggravating factor), I have no one to save me. Enough of the technicalities. Let's move on.)

I need a savior. If ever you're out there, come out, save me. I need saving these days. Dig deep into the trench I have fallen myself into and raise me up. Make me feel that I'm a better person. Don't just tell me I'm good-- make me feel that I'm good. Show me that I'm not the shit that I am right now. Make me feel loved. Teach me again to love. Rescue me partner, whoever you are.

As I've wrote somewhere before: I saved someone once. Can somebody save me now?

Hurry up. Clock's a-ticking. My time is running short.

Congratulations, Jel.

2006-12-02T16:52:00.000+08:00

I am happy for you.

Congratulations are in order. Congratulations, Jel, you deserve this. Let the singing angel lull you to bed at night with a smile pasted on your lips; let the same sweet voice rouse you in the morning.

I have prayed long and hard for this to come into your life, and it has finally happened. I am glad for you. I am happy for you. You might not believe it, given all that you're seeing at this very moment, but it's true. I have only wished for good things for you since time immemorial, and every time a blessing is bestowed upon you, I am happy. As I am now.

God bless, Jel, as you walk through another phase of your life. The choir of angels in heaven are singing their joy, as one of them has gone down to share their song with you in your journey.

Somebody Save Me

2006-12-02T15:56:00.000+08:00

I need to let something out.

I don't usually post lyrics of songs, but this is needed. I need to let something out.

I feel my wings have broken in your hands
I feel the words unspoken inside

When they pull you under
And I would give you anything you want
Well all I wanted
All my dreams have fallen down
Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I've been waiting for you

I see the world has folded in your heart
I feel the waves crash down inside

And they pull me under
I would give you anything you want
Well all I wanted
And all my dreams have fallen down
Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I've been waiting for you

And all my dreams are on the ground

Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just save me

I've made this whole world shine for
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I'm still waiting for you

Resignation

2006-11-27T00:10:00.000+08:00

As some people would put it, "That's life."

I just received news that struck me the wrong way. It shouldn't have affected me the wrong way, but it did. There is nothing I can do now to change the way I feel. Maybe in the next few days or so, it would just fade into my subconscious like everything else, but as of the moment, I feel... off. And to top it all off, this confusing state of affairs happened just about the time when I was experiencing my own confusing state of affairs. The exhilaration of having back the "shivers"; then the disappointing realization that the "shivers" may be something temporary; then back again to the exhilaration. Who knows what it will be tomorrow?

I don't know what to think, don't know what to feel. I am both happy and sad. I know what I want yet don't. Sometimes, I just don't want to think anymore. I just want to sleep and stay in bed until somebody picks me up and places me in a mental hospital.

Weird. I had a blast last night in Eastwood. I actually felt alive and hopeful and optimistic that things will finally be back on track and that I wouldn't be a stranger to myself anymore. But Sunday came and everything just kinda backtracked. So instead of sleeping at 11 PM with a smile on my face, I'm actually still up at 12 AM with my brows together and my lips pursed together in all seriousness.

I am once again a wreck. And then I'll try to hide these things again from all the people around me. And I'll succeed in deluding myself that I am OK. And everyone will think I am OK, because I feel OK. But at the end of the day, or during some really quiet time, my mind would begin to wander, and I would be faced again with the reality that I am not OK.

As some people would put it, "That's life."

Boy, did that shrug and sigh of resignation feel so apt.

Course C

2006-10-25T01:08:00.000+08:00

...a huge chasm [separates] love for the subject and actually understanding it, and that... is practice.

You just know this post was forthcoming, didn't you?

Guys, I'm panicking. Seriously. I know you've heard this a thousand times before, but I really am. My fourth actuarial exam (the exam that will catapult me to Associateship, which is, like, a very cool thing) takes place less than two weeks from now, and I feel like I'm not prepared for it. At all. Granted, the coverage of the exam is kinda fun to study (unlike that dreadful Course FM exam, which I truly loathed), but still. There's a huge chasm separating love for the subject and actually understanding it, and that chasm is practice. I don't have much time in my hands right now to engage in that vital step. And, given my skewed priorities, I'm not sure if I'm going to survive.

Hay, I shouldn't even be blogging, but here you go.

Good luck to me and my future.

Of Tags and Labels

2006-10-24T04:23:00.000+08:00

Can anyone help me find a way around this?

After playing around my labels for a bit, I realized that they weren't working the way I expected them to. By clicking on one of the tags listed on the right side of my blog, I anticipated that the page would show all entries posted under that particular tag. Unfortunately, this is not the case. What the page shows are entries that were posted under that tag only for a single month. That kind of defeats the purpose entirely. Can anyone help me find a way around this? I would NOT like to use Blogger beta at all.

P.S. And while we're at it, I just discovered that my site looks really crappy when seen in other computers that do not have the fonts that I use. I'm going to try and find out what these fonts are later (as it's 4 in the morning and I still have to study and I just feel so goddam tired), and I'll post links so you can download them. So that you'll see what the site really looks like with cool fonts and everything! :)

JSA

2006-10-24T04:19:00.000+08:00

...but when it came, I felt... used.

I expected this, and even wished for it, but when it came, I felt disappointed. And empty. And used.

Maybe I didn't wish for it, after all.

Maybe I can't live life the way I have planned it.

Christmas

2006-10-23T18:43:00.000+08:00

...something about this year's holidays [is] honestly ticking me off.

There's just something about this year's holidays that's honestly ticking me off. Every time I hear Christmas songs being played on the radio, or conversations involving the upcoming holiday season, I get immediately irritated. This is something new, given that 1) I love the Yuletide season, and 2) good things always happen during holidays. And this one is no different.

First, I'm not going home for Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I would love to spend Christmas at home, but then my parents came up with a more brilliant solution. Instead of Kerwin spending time with them in Davao (for the umpteenth time), why not send Kenneth, the younger brother who has never been to Manila ever, over? I'm so thrilled with the prospect that I'm actually planning Kenneth's "schedule" as early as now.

Second, the cool girls (AKA the MA's) and I are devouring Angela's hamon de bola all over again. It was such a fun and memorable time last year when we just ripped the box apart, shredded the meat with our bare hands, and stuffed all that fatty pork in our hungry mouths. And lapped our hands right after. Hee. Okay, so we weren't that uncouth, but still. Those were very, very good times.

Third, the Mathtenistas (AKA BS Math Batch 2005) are having our traditional 2nd Simbang Gabi gathering in the Bellarmine Field this December 16. This get-together is even more special now that Fred, like Maita before him, is leaving the country to pursue his studies, perhaps permanently. I sorely miss my blockmates, especially Joey, Sam, and Toj (who's going to be my date!), so this is something I really need and really look forward to.

So what's ticking me off? Christmas is a good thing, is a great thing even, so what's with all the negativity?

Hay, it's shallow really. My insecurity is just taking its toll on me again. Let's leave it at that.

(Hmmm... this post actually came out as more positive than negative, after all. Yay me for keeping the bullshit in.)

The Adventures of the Dark-Skinned King, Episode 2

2006-10-19T23:08:00.000+08:00

"Pink. Blue. Red." What did these colors mean?

Greetings folksmen and subjects of His Royal Highness. Here I am again, the lowly observer whose sole job is to follow the king's every step. Eons have passed since you've last witnessed the king's adventures, but it's only because he was busy attending to so many pressing matters, and I just had to follow. You must know how it is, ruling over kingdoms. Or maybe you don't know, that's why you're so eager to hear all about my chronicles.

In any case, here I am. What tidings do I bring? Not much, I fear, except for the little fact that the dark-skinned king has found himself a little obsessed over his new fascination. What has caught the eye of the young man? I'm not quite sure, either, but it has something to do with trains. Yes, trains, not the expensive chariots he frequents when he's in a hurry. Trains.

Like I said, I'm not quite sure what exactly about trains the king found so interesting. I'm not really allowed to come close to him, so I cannot ask. My curiosity reached a point, however, when I just had to approach him. One night, when he was on one of his train trips, I inched closer and closer to him until we were only a few feet apart. Thank heavens he did not see me. I then listened. I was absolutely intrigued to hear the king mutter to his courtsmen, "Pink. Blue. Red." Colors. I wondered what these colors were. What did they mean? What did they signify? I stepped out of hearing's reach almost immediately, when I saw that one of his subjects broke away from the king's circle and started walking towards me. I was able to escape, of course, but with that lingering feeling that I should have listened more.

Trains. Pink, blue, and red. What was the connection? I must say this has given some depth to the king once again. I never thought of him as someone who could be obsessed with something (or someone, come to think about it), but there you go. My chronicles never lie. I never lie. I write down what I see. I guess it's up to you, loyal subjects of the king, to figure this one out. As for me, I continue to follow the footsteps of the dark-skinned king.

Extra! Extra! Watch All About It!

2006-10-16T22:48:00.000+08:00

...the Amazing Race X rocks!

Just to kick things off. My favorite reality TV show of all time, The Amazing Race, is clearly going back to its original, hardcore roots. My favorite season of all time, Season 5, is still coming out on top (probably because of my tremendous love for Colin and Christie), but tasks-wise, rules-wise, and mechanics-wise, Season 10 is just so much more superior! No more excessive bunching and bunching that renders almost the whole leg worthless (the bane of Season 6), no more boring tasks (the bane of Seasons 6-9), no more mugging and begging during NEL's (the bane of Seasons 7-9), and as yet, no more uneventful Yields (the bane of Seasons 5-9). What are in place? A diverse cast (though the elimination of the Moslems and the Indians in the first leg watered this down a bit), really trying and well-thought-out tasks (ascenders, woohoo!), a shake in mechanics (middle-of-the-leg eliminations, east-to-west travel), a real penalty for coming in last on an NEL, and no one team dominating the entire race! (Well, Colin and Christie did come in first on almost every leg, but it was because Colin had fantastic airport skills in particular and a great grasp of race mechanics in general.) Can you scream "Hallelujah?" The season just gets better and better!

In other news, Pinoy Dream Academy. My roommate knows the disgust I felt watching the first few episodes of this show. I told him, "What is this, Pinoy Big Brother all over again?" After several weeks of watching the Expulsion and Probation Nights, though, I have come to love PDA. Which is a strange thing, given that I've sworn allegiance to Philippine Idol even before the show aired. Well, I guess those are the operative words: ...even before the show aired. When it finally did, I found that I had neither love or affection for the uninteresting finalists, the washed-out set, and the crappy sound system. Which, you know, should have been pre-requisites for a successful Idol franchise.

Anyway, back to PDA. As I've said, I have come to love the show. And while the start was a little shaky and leaning towards Big Brother, the show finally realized its mistake and started showing what viewers have been expecting for it to air all along: the classes, the performances, the songs, the rehearsals, the reviews, the teachers, the lessons, the evaluation. Of course, with Laurenti Dyogi in the commander's helm, there's bound to be a sprinkle of Yeng-RJ and Iya-JR love stories, as well as the appearance of family members to induce drama, but I simply ignore these by not watching the episodes where these romantic interludes are shown. In the greater scheme of things, these have even become bearable.

Why, you might ask. One, I believe the show is truly improving. It learns from what fans have to say, and it picks idea from them. The shift from drama-based to talent-based (it did shift, in my opinion) episodes is a clear example of this. Now we get to see more of the scholars' progress in singing and performing, rather than what kind of childhood experiences they have had. Two, the performances of some of the scholars are just awesome. Those that immediately spring to mind belong to Yvan, JR, Yeng, Panky, Emman, Ronnie, and Irish. With these handful of great acts, I can basically ignore those that suck (Kristoff, I'm looking at you.). But this brings me to my third point, which is that the show's elimination process rocks! Thus far, all those that have been eliminated do not deserve to remain in the show any longer. Sooner or later, with the 5-probation = expulsion rule, Kristoff, Michelle and Rosita are going to get the boot. I also have to say that the three-level elimination works better than depending solely on votes or solely on judges. Gone are the days when those who are popular outlast those who are good. Good job, PDA!

More power to these two shows!

After the Storm

2006-10-16T22:42:00.000+08:00

I'm back, happy(ier)...

It's been a while, guys. And trust me, I feel better. Thank you for everyone who've been there during those rough times. I appreciate all the support. Nes and Shirls, thank you for the comments below. You hit me where it mattered most. Jel, thank you for the response in your blog (although it hurt my head just figuring out how it could be a response :p). Coming from you, it means simply everything. Everything.

Well, I'm back, happy(ier). Good. Great.

Karmic Retribution

2006-09-24T22:32:00.000+08:00

...two days ago, I would have written this.

[Note: If not for the technical problems our computer faced two days ago, I would have written this. The tone of the entry does not necessarily reflect how I'm feeling now, but it sure as hell reflects how I felt two days ago.]

In Grade 4, during a class meeting, our president asked if there were issues or concerns that needed to be addressed by the class during that time. One of the members of the group I led raised her hand and told the class, "I think Kerwin is an irresponsible leader." She saved herself the trouble of sugarcoating her words. I cried in front of everyone.

In Grade 5, I experienced another issue with responsibility. Two of my groupmates drew faces and wrote "Kailan tayo pa-practice ng ating sayaw? Boo! Nye nye nye nye nye!" on my intermediate pad paper. They did this while I was away, so I did not know it was them until they told me much, much later. I cried upon seeing the anonymous messages. I was once again the elected leader of that group.

In Grade 6, I lost the P500 my parents gave me as payment for the required grade school yearbook. Knowing I would be asked about it, I stole P500 pesos from our sari-sari store just so that I would be able to present something. I was indeed asked, but I was also found out when my uncle discovered the original money inadvertently thrown in the garbage bin. My father made me vow never to do it again, with my right hand raised and my left hand pressed against the Bible, appearing as though I was a witness on the court stand. That same year, I spent the P500 playing PlayStation with my friends.

In Grade 6, one of my friends shouted at me that she did not need me in her life.

In the summer of 2000, before entering my 4th year in high school, I joined the AJSS, held here in Manila. I thoroughly enjoyed it, but in the course of that stay, I managed to alienate my friends back in Davao. Three of them were pissed at me, and another two were slightly pissed because the others were pissed. One of them came back from her trip in Italy without buying me any pasalubong, because she was pissed. When the air cleared and we were able to talk about what happened, they were pissed because I ignored them, and apparently I came across like an arrogant jerk. Pissable, indeed.

In 4th year high school, my girl best friend waged a 6-month silent war against me, the onset of which was marked by an eloquently written but nonetheless painful e-mail with the subject of: "You Are Such a Jerk." That same year, another best friend wrote me a Post-It note saying, "I don't think I can talk to you right now."

Before entering college, one of my closest guy friends told me something so heartfelt and so personal about himself that I knew he needed all the support he could get at that critical juncture in his life. I chose to stay away instead.

In 2nd year college, one of my closest friends told me that I had betrayed her. Our friendship ended at that point. That same night, someone who's been nothing but kind to me told me that I had betrayed him.

In 4th year college, I betrayed someone special again.

In my 1st year of work, during one of my infrequent vacations, my parents told me that they had the impression that I had no concern for them or for my brothers.

In my 2nd year of work, one of my officemates, perhaps the one I was closest with, got mad because she felt I did not have enough time for them. That I failed to reach out as actively as I could have. I cried once again.

And now, this.

Could four different periods in my life be wrong?

I am not a good son.
I am not a good brother.
I am not a good friend.
I am not a good lover.

Stay away from me. I will just hurt you.

Taking A Much-Needed Break

2006-09-17T00:08:00.000+08:00

...I think I deserve a very long break.

On the heels of that last entry, and on the heels of so much going on in my life, I think I deserve a very long break. I am fortunate to have planned one in advance. Of course, back in February when my Papa and I were scheduling my vacation, I had absolutely no premonition whatsoever that these events were going to happen. Back then, circumstances were different. Perhaps even I was different.

Anyway, vacation time is here. I'll be off to Davao tomorrow, and will be back Friday next week. This break is far from what I've been accustomed to back in college (with sem breaks and Christmas breaks and what-not), but I'll take what I have during these hard times. Besides, my leave couldn't have come at a better time. In Davao, I can recharge myself. In Davao, I can renew myself.

Till next Friday, guys. I will miss you.

Transference

2006-09-16T22:42:00.000+08:00

...this blog stays despite eveything...

If you look at the right side of this site, you'll notice that this is the third blog that I have created. The first two "died" because of two different reasons-- the first due to betrayal, the second due to boredom. Given recent life-changing events, it would seem like a good time to change blog sites anew. Except that I will not. Not this time.

Recovery is not easy. It never was. Up until now I cannot honestly say that I have recovered. But I can try to reach that moment when I can be happy with myself once again. I can attempt to reach that point when I don't suddenly stare into space thinking of what-ifs and suddenly fall into uncomfortable silence thinking of if-only's.

Yet in my quest of finding new meaning in the future, I have to face what I have done in the past. I have to remember, so that I may learn. Hence, this blog stays despite everything that has happened. Life is a continuous series of events, both happy and sad, both good and bad, and this blog will attempt to emulate that.

Despite the pain. Despite the sorrow.

In hopes of sunshine after the rain. In hopes for an enlightened tomorrow.

Early Mornings, Early Nights

2006-09-06T04:36:00.000+08:00

Not love lost, for that will forever remain.

The mornings are the worst. The mornings are the loneliest. Especially that moment when I have my hand on the door, that moment when I have to leave again for work. I hesitate, because I know something's missing. Something's not the same. I linger on for a while before finally stepping out of the room to leave. But my footfalls are now a little bit louder, and the closing of the door a little bit firmer. Just so I'll be noticed. Just so I can say, "I'm still here."

Work distracts me, and I feel better.

The nights are even better and I am thankful. There's still that distinct pang of pain that can only be sadness caused by a lost love. Not love lost, for that will remain. And I want it to. The nights are better, even with that pain, because the contact remains. The conversations remain. And the loving remains. The nights are better up until that point when I have to sleep, when I have to face the full force of the sadness once again. When my thoughts tell me that I have to leave in the morning a little bit earlier again, and at night, sleep a little bit earlier again.

Of Ends and Beginnings

2006-09-03T23:33:00.000+08:00

- - -

My heart bleeds.

It's so painful.

It hurts so bad.

- - -

2006-09-02T18:58:00.000+08:00

Deep Within

i'm tired.
i'm confused.
i don't want to think anymore.

that's what i've always done.
think and think and think some more.

why can't i just have fun?
why do i always have to think?

i want to be in a happy place.
i want to be blissful: in a beach, in a resthouse, in a bar.
away from everything.
away from every single thing that causes me sadness.
with a glass of juice, or a pillow, or a beer in hand.
alone, but not really alone.
talking to the sea, talking to the birds, talking to some random stranger.

no one i know is with me.
in this place, i am in a bubble.
protected. defended. secure.

i worry about nothing.
i worry about no one.

because in the end, there's just me.

i deserve to be alone. i think i'm meant to be alone.

i am terribly, terribly tired.
i am terribly, terribly sad.

just.
sad.

Post-Birthday Happy Happy

2006-08-15T23:20:00.000+08:00

Needless to say, I am a happy 22-year old.

My 22nd birthday would not have been the same if not for the people who greeted me, texted me, called me up, posted me as one of their topics in their blogs, and even thought of me and realized that it's my birthday but decided not to greet me because I didn't greet them on their birthdays. Thank you! Even when I'm in my old age and locked up in a mental asylum (a fine place to be in your last days, I think), I shall remember each of your faces.

I must especially thank my mean girls for providing me with one heck of a surprise. I love the fitting shirts and that funky belt! I have already plans of using them as weapons to flirt. But of course, of course, my loyalties are with you guys always. Thank you!

I must also thank my youngling and youngling-extension friends in the Actuarial Department! Exposing me in all my nakedness (well, not really), poking fun at my tremendous height (well, also not really), and providing with more weapons of flirtation (what's with all the flirtation, huh?) was truly an unexpected twist in what was turning out to be a very happy day. Thank you!

Finally, I'd like to thank Jel for that wonderful treat in the Spaghetti Factory! Please never leave me? Please? Haha. Thank you!

Needless to say, I am a happy 22-year-old.

(I'm sorry for that morbid image involving lunatics in caged cells-- I have no intention of being locked up during the next few decades, so there is no need to worry.)

Post-Birthday Melancholy

2006-08-15T21:17:00.000+08:00

In my vulnerability, I am light, and in my lightness, I am free.

Melancholy is a state of being that strikes me often, hard, and unexpectedly. When I get melancholic, I feel like I'm floating in limbo, at peace with myself and everyone, and yet-- and yet there's something amiss. There's something lacking about something that which I truly do not understand. I cannot pinpoint the exact reason for this melancholy. It just is.

I am melancholic right now. By definition, I do not know why. It does not distract me from work, thankfully. It's one of the better things that this state of being sends my way. I become productive in this state: I study better, I work faster, I think in clearer terms. It feels as if all my defenses-- heavy, clunky, and definitely not worth the weight-- have been put down. In my vulnerability, I am light, and in my lightness, I am free.

I am free. And yet I am not free.

Everything about this is a paradox. I am free because I feel light. But if I were truly free, then melancholy wouldn't make me feel as though I'm missing something. This nagging yet mercifully distant voice weighs me down. And if something is pulling me down, then I cannot soar, and therefore I am not free. And yet I am.

If anyone can make any sense of what I just wrote, tell me. I've been searching for answers since time immemorial, and have found none as yet. Consider this your share in promoting world peace.

Kingdom Expansion

2006-08-14T00:16:00.000+08:00

Travel on... to the land of Multiply.

The king has decided to expand his kingdom beyond the borders of Blogspot Land. Although the new land contains exactly the same letters and laws as that present in Blogspot, citizens will be surprised to see that the place is actually more visual in nature. Those clamoring for a portrait with the King can find themselves happier there. Travel on, citizens, to the land of Multiply.

August 13

2006-08-13T02:13:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday to me!

This is going to be very short: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

[Added 12:23 AM.] My birthday's over. I'm officially starting life as a 22 year old. I don't know what awaits me out there, but I'm sure it's going to be exciting. Friends, get ready for another dose of the Dark-Skinned King!

Rent-isms

2006-08-12T19:36:00.000+08:00

...don't you want your [boy] hot?

Some thoughts taken from the wonderful movie Rent (such a give-away as to how the movie review would go, hehe):

"How do you document real life when real life's getting more like fiction each day?"

"There's only us, there's only this, forget regret or life is yours to miss, no other road, no other way, no day but today..."

"Open your door, I'll be your tenant, don't got much baggage to lay at your feet. But sweet kisses I've got to spare. I'll be there, and I'll cover you."

"I think they meant it, when they said you can't buy love, now I know you can rent it, a new lease you are my love..."

"To days of inspiration, playing hookey, making something out of nothing... to communicate, to going against the grain, going insane, going mad..."

"...food of love, emotion, mathematics, isolation, rhythm, power, feeling, harmony, and heavy competition..."

"Every single day, I walk down the street, I hear people say, 'Baby's so sweet.' Ever since puberty, everybody stares at me-- boys, girls-- I can't help it baby..."

"Take me for what I am, who I was meant to be... and if you give a damn, take me baby, or leave me. No way - can I be what I'm not, but hey - don't you want your [boy] hot?"

I understand that what I wrote above are lyrics from the soundtrack rather than original thoughts, but you can be assured that each has a purpose as to why they're there. Hee.

A Tale of Two Bees

2006-08-12T10:49:00.000+08:00

...the Jollibee in Powerplant stings, while the Jollibee in Guadalupe soars...

It was the best of Bees, it was the worst of Bees. One lay at the heart of cosmopolitan grandeur, the other lay at the heart of metropolitan bourgeoisie. But alas! None has ever experienced a discrepancy as great as that which struck the two artificial Bees. The supposedly classy Bee was yet the more obnoxious, stinging its victims with helplessness and a feeling of impending loss. The supposedly un-classy Bee was yet the more hospitable, spreading its nectar far and wide with super speed and unprecedented efficiency.

The first Bee can be found, as of the moment, in a little mall called Powerplant. The second Bee can be seen hovering about Guadalupe, near the MRT station. For those who are getting annoyed with this parallel way of blogging, what I'm saying is simply this: the Jollibee in Powerplant stings, while the Jollibee in Guadalupe soars above expectations.

It would not be difficult to find the irony in this. The rich patrons frequenting the Powerplant mall would not be so keen with unresponsive waiters, wrong orders, and spilled drinks. In other words, they are less tolerant with inefficiency than those, say, frequenting the Jollibee in Guadalupe. One would expect a fantastically efficient staff in all Jollibee outlets, but even more so in places where standards are exceedingly high. Unfortunately (and how unfortunate I was, indeed), this is not the case in Jollibee Rockwell. Jittery, slow, caricatures of blunder: these are but few of the negative terms to describe the staff.

On the other hand, the people manning the Guadalupe branch of Jollibee are icons of cleanliness, friendliness, and most important, efficiency. Anyone who buys their food there would never have to wait for their food for long; will be informed if the food is going to take some time; and will be given, more or less, an accurate estimation of the time that's going to be needed for waiting. The waiters and servers themselves are courteous, quick-minded, and don't look as though their grandmothers have died last night. Without fear of stepping into the boundaries of hasty generalizations, I would have to say that they are the best staff I have ever encountered in fastfood outlets. More power to them.

Secrets

2006-07-30T21:21:00.000+08:00

Quid quid latet adparebit nil inultum remanebit.

Quid quid latet adparebit nil inultum remanebit.

No one can keep their secrets for so long. We will all be found out. We will all be discovered. But even if this were true, people are entitled to their secrets in the same way that they are entitled to keeping their dignity intact. It is just a matter of self-preservation in a world that can be harsh. In a world that can be unforgiving. In a world that will not understand.

It's just a matter of survival.

Superman Returns

2006-07-30T19:04:00.000+08:00

The revolution was not meant to be.

Jeland tells me that I should defer writing this review until I actually have the time to write it. He seems to be under the impression that I take eons to finish a single entry. Well... he's right. But that doesn't mean I can't start, anyway! One of the things I missed while I was on hiatus were my movie reviews, and now that I'm back blogging, I think it's just about time to get my thumbs dirty once again (I sincerely hope someone got that lame reference.).

Superman Returns. It's not a fact everyone knows, but I love DC more than Marvel. Marvel is but a spin-off of the once great DC. Unfortunately, the Marvel superheroes, with all their glitter and glamour and garb, managed to snatch the limelight away from the more classic features of the DC "supermen." With the recent success of Batman Begins, however, I thought that the tides were going to turn once again. DC was finally going to give Marvel a run for its money the way it used to, back in those days when the battle was fought by ink and pen and waged on glossy paper.

The revolution was not meant to be. If ever anything remotely revolutionary happened, I did not witness it, for I fell asleep three quarters of the way.

The main problem with the recent Superman was not so much as failing to give the series a fresh twist (which it also failed to do, by the way), but failing to justify its title. Yes, its title. The focus was supposed to be Superman and his return. The movie simply was not able to provide this. Of course, Superman did return, but the story did not revolve around his return. It's more like, "Superman's back. So what?" Save for a few weak scenes involving a still lovestruck Lois Lane (which wasn't all that obvious) and a still crazy Lex Luthor (which was all that pathetic), the whole movie felt like an exposition all over again. Nothing connected; everything was disjuncted.

This is not to say that the movie tanked terribly. The choice of Brandon Routh as Superman, instead of some currently famous Hollywood actor, was a fine, fine choice. Choosing an unknown actor as the Man of Steel allowed the viewers to put a face on Superman anew-- something that Christopher Reeve achieved perfectly before. The problem with this (well, it's not really not our problem but Brandon Routh's) is that, just like what happened with Christopher Reeve, the viewers will always attach Superman to the actor who plays him. Let's just say that it will be quite difficult for Brandon Routh to get a decent non-Superman-related offer after this.

Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane and Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor did their best to make their characters work, but in the end, the faulty characterization by the writers outweighed the actors' best efforts. Lois Lane was silly and Lex Luthor was weak. How pathetic was that scene where Lex was stranded in an island with his little mistress Kitty? In the TV show Smallville, and in the comic books that I've read, Lex Luthor was never, ever that helpless. He always had something up his sleeve. Depicting him as such was nothing short of a slap in the face of Superman's makers, and nothing short of an insult to those who liked Lex Luthor more than Superman (guilty as charged). And Lois Lane was silly.

I think I could say that there's really no harm in watching this movie, especially if you're a fan of the series. It's one feather in your cap to be able to say that you read all the comic magazines, collected all the toys, and watched all the movies. And not to worry-- the part about sleeping 3/4 of the way? It was true, but I did wake up 5 minutes after that little sleep spell happened. If that's any consolation.

Sleepy

2006-07-19T20:13:00.000+08:00

Everywhere I type. Everywhere I write.

Posts to follow:
1. Review of Rent, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, and Superman Returns.
2. Review of The Old Spaghetti House, Burgoo, Pizza Hut Bistro, and Jollibee Rockwell.
3. Review of Heroes of Might and Magic V.

Studies to follow:
1. Withdrawal Experience Study
2. PA Expense Study
3. Group Industry Statistics

Everywhere I type. Everywhere I write. I cannot help myself. I'll always go back to writing. Only one thing can stop me, and that is sleep. So I'll stop.

The Weekend That Was

2006-07-18T22:09:00.000+08:00

The weekend that was was one of the best I have ever had.

The weekend that was was one of the best I have ever had. I met with friends I have not seen for ages; ate in places too heavenly to be true; and enjoyed myself so much it almost seemed sinful. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

It all began Friday night when Joanne, Charline, Allan, and myself watched Pirates of the Caribbean. My review for this movie would come soon enough, so I'll reserve any specific comments then, but suffice it to say that I had enough fun to last me throughout the entire movie. It felt good watching Captain Jack Sparrow and the gang come back to life again; I have always enjoyed their presence and that has not changed one bit. [For those who cannot wait, Toj and Joanne have reviewed the movie wonderfully. Take a peek.]

Friday night gave way to Saturday morning. Saturday morning gave way to Saturday afternoon. (Let's not forget that piece of good news that occurred between Friday night and Saturday morning!)

That was when I met with Tsikee, one of the closest friends I have ever had. The last time Tsikee and I went out was during my birthday last year, and for friends this close that's just 11 months too long. However, when we finally met at The Old Spaghetti House in Katipunan last Saturday, it was as though we never left college. We talked about our lives in between scoops of seafood marinara and slices of pork in mushroom sauce, talking without any hint of awkwardness that so often befalls long-separated friends who decide to meet once again.

Saturday afternoon gave way to Saturday night.

Right after my "rendezvous" with Tsikee in Katipunan, I rushed home to meet up with Jel in Burgoo in Powerplant. It was a fitting place to treat such a wonderful and special fellow. Burgoo, with all its delicious meals and efficient service assistants, possessed the same trait as Jel has: it/he always had/has my best interests in mind. Needless to say, we enjoyed the food (grilled porkchop and seafood linguini) and the company (Jel and myself, myself and Jel) so thoroughly that time just passed us by.

Saturday night gave way to Sunday morning. Sunday morning gave way to Sunday afternoon.

Joseph and Jacques met up with me in the Pizza Hut Bistro in Gateway Sunday afternoon. Joseph and Jacques are like little brothers to me, though nowadays they sometimes seem so much more mature than I am. In any case, it was nice seeing the two of them again. As a matter of fact, it was nice seeing the three of us together again. It felt... I don't know, right? That's the closest I can come to describing whatever that feeling was. I guess I just missed those guys.

Sunday afternoon gave way to Sunday night. Sunday night gave way to Monday morning. The weekend that was was over. Not that I had a problem with the passing of this one. For one, the weekend that was would always remain with me; for another, well, there would always be another.

PASSED

2006-07-15T09:33:00.000+08:00

I PASSED!

3 AM, Saturday. In front of the computer. Circles around eyes for not being able to sleep.

Click, click, click. Heart beating wildly in my chest. Thump-thump-thump-thump-THUMP. Click, click, click. Hands feeling sweaty although it's raining and it's cold. Eyesight keen, like 20/20. There! The candidate numbers! Thump-THUMP. Thump-THUMP. Scrolling down, scrolling down. The most important candidate number is not in sight. Scrolling up, scrolling-- THERE! 32804! The magic number! I PASSED! But wait... must be sure. Must be certain. Must have absolutely no doubt. Checking, checking. The number's still there! I really passed! Wee!

The feeling's so great I'm still stunned. Hu-waw!

Flowers

2006-07-12T21:16:00.000+08:00

Roses are red, sunflowers are yellow. Sugar is sweet, and so is Jell-O.

Roses are red, sunflowers are yellow. Sugar is sweet, and so is Jell-O.

It's embarrassing to admit it, but what the heck: sunflowers are my favorite flowers. I just discovered this recently, during one of my trips to Katipunan for my then weekly SOA study sessions. Usually, I would take the MRT-LRT route; it's faster and it's cheaper. On some occasions, though, when I'm feeling melancholic, when I feel like riding on the coattails of the wind (a little melodramatic there, hee), I take the MRT-jeepney-jeepney route. The first jeepney ride drives me to UP, where I ride the second jeepney that drives me to Katipunan. It was during the first jeepney ride when I first saw those grand sunflowers, yellow as the brightest sunshine, planted in the islands lined up all the way to UP.

Everything about them captured my attention. The flowers filled me with both fascination and awe. First of all-- man, they were huge! I've always thought of sunflowers as little living creatures that little girls place in their little baskets to toss around like confetti. I was wrong. Even the black center of each flower was colossal enough to swallow me whole. Perhaps that is partly why I'm so in awe of them: sunflowers can-- and given the chance, will-- dominate me. Nonetheless, the mathematical precision of its existence and the simplicity of its beauty all give me reason to allow myself to succumb to its domination.

Roses are another story. If sunflowers fascinate and awe me, roses profoundly touch me. But it hasn't always been this way. As a matter of fact, I have never been fond of roses before. I couldn't understand what was so beautiful about these thorny flowers. I came to the conclusion, then, that roses are not beautiful by themselves; commercialism has made it so.

But people change their minds, especially when the right event or opportunity to do so come along. And I have changed mine. A memory has been attached. A stigma has been created. Roses are now very special to me. I've said earlier that they touch me, but I take that back. They don't touch me, they pierce me, like the thorns in which they are showered.

Roses are red for they bleed. For you. For me.

Six-Day Work Week

2006-07-09T09:18:00.000+08:00

...contrary to all the bravado... I thoroughly enjoyed Saturday work.

I told myself and others I would never go down that road. I told it with chest puffed out and head held high. I told it with some kind of arrogant pride. "Saturdays are days to relax and unwind," I said. "Saturdays are never, ever utilized for work."

How wrong I was. How fast I'm quickly eating the words I had just uttered.

Needless to say, I went to work yesterday. And, contrary to all the bravado that was displayed when I told people that I would never work on Saturdays, I thoroughly enjoyed Saturday work. The office seemed so peaceful-- the phones weren't ringing off the hook, the conversations were down to a negligible murmur, and the atmosphere had a dreary feel to it that I liked. The strong downpour of rain outside helped set the mood for productive work even further. Unlike in most situations where it would have induced a want for sleep, the rain made me feel as though I was its prisoner. That I was to do its bidding. That I was to work. And so I did.

I didn't finish all that I had to do, but it was a start. The push was already present, and that was all I needed in order to finish today what I had attempted to end yesterday. The good thing is, I feel great about it. I know I'll be able to do it.

All thanks to Saturday work.

4

2006-07-08T23:38:00.000+08:00

Words cannot express it enough: for this, I am grateful.

He never let go. He never shrugged. Atlas may have shifted the world from one shoulder to another, but he never thought of smashing the world beneath his mighty feet.

Because of this, I remain capable of loving.

Because of this, I remain human.

Words cannot express it enough: four this, I am grateful.

Fourever.

The Adventures of the Dark-Skinned King, Episode 1

2006-06-30T21:11:00.000+08:00

The Adventures of the Dark-Skinned King, Episode 1

The dark-skinned king just gave a nice, cute, pretty little girl a hundred bucks last night. She was of no relation to him; he just met her on the street. And as I watched through the entire spectacle (as a silent observer, of course, nothing more), I began to wonder more about the king.

When the girl first approached the king, my heart leapt to my chest. I felt that she was being too aggressive, that she was approaching the royal boy in so quick a manner. At that moment, though, she flashed her sweet smile. My heartbeat returned to normal. I decided this person was safe.

She greeted the dark-skinned king, who, as I knew all too well, did not like being surprised by strangers. The reaction I was waiting for surfaced right away. Upon seeing the smiling lass, the king stepped sideways (almost stepping on the main road itself) and gave himself considerable distance away from the girl. She wasn't deterred by this show of distrust; instead, she stepped closer. And as I knew all too well, the king was not one to shun away persistent folks. So he stopped and listened.

I had some difficulties hearing their conversation, so I was not able to pick up everything that transpired verbally. I saw everything non-verbal as clear as crystal, however. At first, I noticed that the king was just smiling at the girl with that patronizing smirk of his (I've seen him do that lots of times with the subjects long back when). I caught a little of the spiel the girl was saying beforehand, so I knew that she was asking for money in exchange for a cheap-looking pen whose only advantage over other pens was that it had a spring-back calendar attached to its innards. And judging from the smirk on the royal boy's face, he wasn't so sold on the exchange, either.

The patronizing smirk changed almost immediately. The smile became genuine-- the king was even amazed. Replaying the event over in my head, I realized that the girl had said some magic words. Those words were: "Major in Education, Specialty in Math." It must have hit the king really hard. Piecing the bits and pieces together revealed to me that the king had encountered a little girl who only wanted to finish her education and whose only way of paying for strangers' help is a cheap-looking albeit unique pen. The king, sensitive (or gullible, depending whether you're for or against the principles of his kingdom) person that he is, took pity on her and shelved out the hundred bucks for the pen. In my mind, the king was thinking: "I'm trying to show that numbers are not all that I know, but that doesn't mean that I can prevent others from knowing them." Of course, I could be wrong, but I do feel that the king was thinking exactly that.

He can be so predictable sometimes.

A Different Kind of Person

2006-06-26T23:41:00.000+08:00

...none of [this person's] beliefs repulsed me or pushed me away.

It's rare to find someone who has a different point-of-view as you have and yet not feel "different" towards that person. It's so rare, in fact, that I have only met one such person. Only one.

Let me put it this way. Consider someone you know who has a different ethnic background as you have, and therefore has a different set of beliefs. At some point during one of your conversations, that person says something that is contrary to your principles-- so utterly opposite, in fact, that all your heightened senses start picking up the same thing: a bloodbath is going to happen any second now. Well, maybe not a bloodbath-- a momentary heated exchange of words, perhaps, or a long-lasting cold shoulder-- just something that defines the radical change of perception you just had for that person.

That, I believe, is the natural course of things. To disassociate yourself with people who have a clearly defined set of beliefs different from yours.

With this singular, unique person, however, I found myself responding to no such natural urge. Whatever this person's beliefs were, none of them ever repulsed me or pushed me away. Of course, I was saddened by this difference, by this discrepancy, but none of what I felt would change things, anyway. In the end, this person's personality had already won me over; the affinity was already established even before the fateful words were said.

All That Which Adds to Mass

2006-06-25T18:25:00.000+08:00

Finally, something that beats calling fastfood hotlines.

These past few days, I have been worrying about the expansion of my midsection. My appetite has truly grown ever since I've entered Actuarial. Much of it can be attributed to the food-loving culture the department has, but somewhere deep inside my tummy, a small voice says that I'm just getting hungrier. Which is not bad in itself, but as I've said, I'm just worried at the rate at which my dreams of getting abs is fading. If this goes on, I'll be like Jeland in no time. (Just kidding, Jel.)

Since we are on the subject of my increasing appetite, we might as well talk about food. Right now, Jel and I have succumbed to the simplicity of fastfood delivery services. We've been having our dinner delivered right to our boarding house doorstep. Our personal favorite is Jollibee, since we prefer its ChickenJoy to McDonald's Chicken McDo, and besides, a stomach-filling rice-chicken combo is all that you can ever hope to have delivered to your home. Our preference changed, however, when we learned about McDonald's 8MCDO online delivery service.

Finally, something that beats calling fastfood hotlines. This is advantageous for us because 1) we don't have a landline phone, and going down to the first floor to use one is just time-consuming (haha, what lazy sloths); and 2) we have an amazing Internet connection that I just absolutely love. Needless to say, we used the delivery service like crazy. We ordered breakfast. We ordered dinner. We ordered lunch. Great food, great service, great over-all.

Now I just have to go back to worrying about this little tummy of mine.

Self-Doubt

2006-06-23T23:39:00.000+08:00

I cannot afford to be lax... I cannot afford to make mistakes.

These past few days have been really trying for me at work. As it was with every new beginning, my insecurities started kicking in once again. "What if I don't get to finish my study on time? What if I get blamed for a mistake that truly is my own? What if I don't exceed HR's and everyone else's expectations? What if I faaaaaaiiiilllll???" Of course, during these times of crises, my friends will always be there to say that everything would be OK, you've been there before, you've always managed to stay on top of the game, blah-dee-blah. (No offense, guys. I do appreciate the all-out support.) Despite this, I'm always able to find reasons why this time is different from the last; despite this, I'm always able to find reasons to whine.

For instance, I can confidently say that this time is different from last time because this time it's real work. As an MA, 40% of my time was spent on creating exciting and relevant projects; 60% was spent on trying to make myself believe that these projects were actually exciting and relevant. (This changed in the latter part of the Program, but still.) This time around, every study that I write, every number that I crunch, every recommendation that I propose will have a resonating impact throughout the entire company system. I cannot afford to become lax anymore. I cannot afford to make mistakes.

Sigh. I hope that I'll get over this, given the passage of time. Or given the passing of the first study. Right now, I'll just have to be contented with the fact that I'm the slowest study sloth who ever trodded the Actuarial department.

One bullet in one day?! Three pages in three days?! Imagine that.

Urges and Changes

2006-06-22T23:58:00.000+08:00

Unlike the first real shift in blog addresses, there is nothing notable about this one.

Every time I find myself realizing that I haven't blogged for a long time, I do the most sensible thing to do and start over. I don't even hesitate; I just move on and create another blog. I find no sense in trying to revive what is, frankly, a stale piece of online document. Reading past entries doesn't even help. All this does is to induce nostalgia within me. It does nothing to make we want to change the present; it just makes me want to return back to the past. (Of course, certain people will immediately comment that I can always change the present to return back to the past. You misunderstand. I meant that literally.)

Unlike the first real shift in blog addresses, there is nothing notable about this one.

Perhaps what is notable this time around is that I find no urge to post a "Book of Days" entry. Usually, after a lengthy period of blog inactivity, the very first entry I write is a summary, a book of days so to speak, describing in general the things that kept me busy during the time I didn't blog. In this manner, I get to update everyone on what has been going on in my life.

Right now, I am not feeling that urge.

I can't exactly pinpoint why, but maybe the reason is that it always felt forced to write such a summary. It doesn't feel natural. That's the closest explanation I can ever give, because I am sleepy and can't think clearly any further.

To those who realize that what I've been writing is nothing but fluff, congratulations. I was just testing the waters, so to speak, to see if my "writing skills" are still with me. Psyched! To those who realize that what I've been writing is nothing but fluff, and yet believe that I've been dead serious all along, congratulations. You're even better than I thought.

Book of Days to follow.

Back for Good?

2006-06-21T00:10:00.000+08:00

... the dark-skinned king has finally returned to that which he truly loves: numbers.

After days of trying to fix the brand new wreck, weeks of going against the butterfly effect, and months of self-discovery, the dark-skinned king has finally returned to that which he truly loves: numbers! Not that he will be very explicit about this love-- the title does say it all. Numbers are not all that he knows, and he is back to prove it!

And on the heels of that glaring contradiction, let me be the first to welcome you back into my kingdom. Step in, folks, and welcome to my blog.